“The Lords of Salem” or “Satanic Naked Ass Witches In Salem” my fuckin review.

Here is my review for “The Lords of Salem” and a surprise reviewer guest star SHANE MORTON (Under Fact Letter N.). The movie starts off in 1696 and there is a coven of nasty ass witches around a fire talking about Satan and how much they love his ass. The witches hate babies and lick and spit on one of them. Babies are overrated anyway. Then it cuts to 2013, but it looks like 1996. Sheri Moon Zombie is a DJ at a local Salem radio station and she lives in this creepy ass Salem apartment house. Shit gets crazy when she receives a record in the mail in a wooden box. The record says it by “The Lords” on it. She decides to play that shit and then Satanic and witchy shit starts to pop off. The song ain’t bad, I could make out to it. Anyway Satan and witches start coming for her and she is seeing fucked up evil shit and doing all kinds of fucked up shit. In the end you learn Salem is real happening place. Okay so I dig Rob zombie movies. Is he the best Director ever? No, but his shit is interesting to watch and while this movie looks like a Rob Zombie film, it’s a quieter and more moody version of his films. I wonder if fans of his other films will like this movie? Probably not. So If you love his louder and more over-the-top characters and dialogue then you are not going to get it here. Things are slower paced and the dialogue is subtle. Which really is a breath of fresh horror air. This movie is also very Satanicy and witchy. They aren’t playing around, and its Satan talk all the way through it. I loved that, if you are doing a movie about Satanic ass witches then they better be Satanic ass witches. They were even naked a lot and that shit was not pretty. These are no sexy witches. They got that saggy ass and floppy teets. Which I loved. If you didn’t know who Rob Zombie is while watching this film you would have thought you were watching an Indie art house movie about creepy ass Satan shit. I loved that also. Directors need to try new shit and keep it real. Even if fans are let down at first. Later they will love it. Humans hate change, but then love shit later. There were so many shots that could have been framed pictures on a wall, and honestly beautiful (in a horror way).  If you are looking for scares or a typical A to Z horror film you are not going to get it here. If you love creepy ass imagery and weird ass Satanic scenes then you will dig it. I liked it a lot and I really thought about what I just watched later and I do want to see it again. I even like how a song can fuck people up and make them do evil shit. Clearly he is poking fun of how people view his own music and how critics or parents thought/think it’s evil or could make you kill. Also all the ladies that played the witches were amazing. I love them all. You should give this film a chance and try to not think about it being a Rob Zombie film. Unfortunately I think people will pre-judge this film before they even see it because his name is on it. Shit people will even post-judge it because of his name. Just judge it as a film. Anyway so if you love ugly naked witches, Satanic talk, weird ass imagery, Sherri Moon Zombie, goats, priests getting blow jobs, babies getting spit upon, and Salem then this movie is for you. It was for me because I dug all that shit. I will buy this jam on BLU RAY.

The Trailer: (I LOVE THIS TRAILER)

The Facts:

A. This ain’t no HOCUS POCUS! It is dreary, dark, depressing, creepy, unnerving and hot.

B. Sheri Moon Zombie is gold to me in everything. Is she the best actor? No, but I love to watch her and she seems real to me. This looks like a fun ass ride.

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C. I have been to Salem on Halloween. It was nutz. I want to go back.

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D. These three witches were amazing. Patricia Quinn (The Rocky Horror Picture Show- Magenta), Dee Wallace (E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial),Judy Geeson (Gilmore Girls).

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E. Don’t play a record that comes out of a Satanicy wooden box. Shit, I would have I guess though. FUCK!

F. This guy was jerking off and you saw his weird ass wee-wee.

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G. Goats are fun to watch.

H. Meg Foster was amazing as lead the witch bitch.

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I. I made Satanic Panic: Band Out of Hell in 2011, mine is not as Satanic, and is a comedy. Haha

J. I was an extra in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II, dressed as a ghost character I made up. Here is a pic from the set.

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K. I love this shot. WARNING: This movie will scare Christians and they will think they are going to hell after watching it.

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L. I wish the song that made people into witches was this song by Ke$ha. I love this song and would have joined after hearing it.

Here is the real jam that fucked people up in the movie.

M. Maria Conchita Alonso is in this movie and I love her.

N. ALERT! ALERT! In a surprise movie review twist I asked my good friend Shane Morton to give you another opinion, we both love horror and have worked together on films, and haunted attractions. Now just because we both love horror it doesn’t mean we like the same type of horror. So I thought it was important to get another opinion on this film. Here is what Shane thought:

After the awesome successful screening of  Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell last night, I still hadn’t had enough Satan in my life, so this morning I woke up bright and early to catch a Beelzebub breakfast with Rob Zombie’s Lords of Salem at a 10am screening. I was really looking forward to this movie as I have some personal insights to the road to getting this movie made. I really hit it off with Rob when he hired me to oversee a big part of the production of Halloween 2’s ‘Phantom Jam’ party scene. Every production head signed off at his request so I could paint, build props, do wardrobe, hair and makeup and he even insisted I cast the 270 actors required for it! I ended up doing almost every painting in the movie, almost every sign and billboard and he kept giving me more work throughout my 3 months on the show because we share a lot of the same sensibilities. I found him to be somewhat of a sensitive artist type and saw firsthand why his movies have fallen short of his vision. I was there the day Weinstein screamed at him and ripped 25 pages out of his script. I saw him pulling his hair out over assigned designers that wouldn’t give him what he needed to make his movie look cool. I came to understand that you can’t make art (or a good movie) by committee, and I told him so after we wrapped and expressed the hope that he would one day make a movie he wanted to make without having to answer to money men and other idiots and assholes that he was surrounded by. I always believed that he was capable of truly delivering the goods…and I think he finally has, with Lords of Salem. I think people will hate this movie for the some of the same reasons I love it, so here goes (get ready for run on sentences!)… He made his art film for under 3 mil and under the radar of major studios, if I’m not mistaken, the Paranormal Activity producers (responsible for faves like Insidious) let him do what he wanted, (I’m really tight with his art director/Lori Mazuer and she kept me updated as we were both working on satanic projects at the same time and we would swap stories of our productions) and it shows, as this film has love in it, you can see the care taken in almost every shot, there’s some beautiful stuff going on in here and I hope Lori gets an award for her wonderful design work on this show (which many will say is overblown and pretentious, but keep in mind, he’s trying to make a somewhat experimental art film here).

John 5 kills it with an amazing score that made my spine tingle and perfectly captured the sound of dread (if that’s possible) this guy needs to do more film scoring as he’s really good at it! (Others will probably bitch about the lack of rock, fuck em who says Goblin doesnt rock?) Usually Sheri Moon annoys me but here she gives a real performance that I didn’t think her capable of. Rob had the balls to shoot her warts and all and I applaud him overall for his unusual portrayals of women in this. I mean really, she’s sagging and he’s zeroing in on it, and that made it feel very real to me and unglamorous. All the witches are awesome in this and I haven’t seen anything like these rituals since Christensen’s Häxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages, it’s really great stuff! (But people will probably say it’s not sexy enough!)  Wayne Toth destroys again with some VERY different approaches to devil/demon/incubus designs…there is some seriously weird shit going down in this one! I could go on and on about the look of this show (it’s so different that horror fans may not be able to accept something so out of the range of what they’re used to!)…So how do you make me happy? You make a satanic horror movie (which I usually hate, especially when a catholic hero flies in and saves the day, which usually happens, and damn sure doesn’t here!) seeped in terror and dread, (referencing the greatest one, Rosemary’s Baby) almost devoid of cheap shots and jump scares,with characters I care about because their back stories are so well-played, and give it the psychedelia of Russell’s The Lair of the White Worm and Kenneth Anger’s Lucifer Rising ritual magic films,then you process it thru a Jodorowsky filter to really amp up the strange, then grease it up with euro trash sleaze ala Dossorio and  Naschy to get it good and filthy and you are giving me what I want! Hail Rob Zombie for finally making the movie he wanted to make! I’m sorry, because I think the public, the critics and most of his Neanderthal fans are gonna hate this movie, but I loved it and can’t wait to see it again as there’s alot of deep stuff going on here and I wanna revisit it so I can figure it out! Anyhoo, give this a chance, if you like psychotronic cinema, I haven’t seen a movie deliver like this in a long time! Hail Satan! Hail Eddie Ray!!!

O. This poster is hot.

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One response to ““The Lords of Salem” or “Satanic Naked Ass Witches In Salem” my fuckin review.

  1. Pingback: My Top Ten Movies Of 2013 You Bitch! | EDDIE RAY BREAKS THAT SHIT DOWN!

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