“Dark Shadows” or “Johnny Depp Plays A Vampire and I LIKED IT?” – my fucking review

Posted by eddieray66 on May 15, 2012

Here is my movie review for “Dark Shadows“, enjoy bitch! OK let me first start off by saying that I have NOT enjoyed the last few Tim Burton films (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Planet of the Apes, and Alice in Wonderland all bored me). His films since 2001, except for Big Fish, have been forced and it almost seems like he is making fun of his own directing style. It’s like the studio says to him “Can you Burtonize this film?”, even though he is fuckin Tim Burton. That being said here we go. OK so the story starts off in the 1700′s and shows Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) living with his parents, there he starts banging this witch maid, and she falls in love with him. He falls in love with some other chick and the witch is pissed, so she curses him to be a vampire and locks his ass in a box. Now in 1972 there is a new Collins family and they are broke as shit and depressed. Barnabas is accidentally dug up and heads back to his old crib. There he hooks up with the new Collins family to help them restore their family name and make some money again on tuna sales. Along the way crazy shit happens and it feels like an over dramatic soap opera. Which I didn’t mind. In the end Alice Cooper shows up to a ball, and there is a big fight scene with crazy shit popping off. OK so surprisingly I liked this movie. Maybe because I thought it was going to be a complete mess, so I was surprised. Maybe because there were ghosts, vampires, witches, and Alice Coopers in it. Maybe because there were giant creepy mansions with secret passage ways. Maybe because I finally liked Johnny Depp’s hair in a movie, lately he and his hair irritate me in movies. I can’t recommend this movie to people because there are some forced 70′s jokes here and there in it that I rolled my eyes at, but the movie is more serious than the trailer lead you to believe. It really is like watching this weird soap opera with over-the-top characters, so that is why I enjoyed watching it. I really had written this movie off before I had even watched it, but I can’t lie I had fun watching this over-the-top shit. I think this movie is just insane enough for me to like. It’s a good, Halloweeny, Horror, Soap Operay, Comedy. Not Tim’s best, but entertaining and fun.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I love montages, especially ones that play a song by The Carpenters.

B. Ghosts, Witches, Vampires, Werewolves, Creepy Mansions, Secret Passage Ways, 70′s clothing, and Alice Cooper. These are a few of my favorite things.

C. There is one blow job, a sex scene, and a witch puts her panties on someones face in this film.

D. This is the worst trailer I have seen in a while.

E. The entire score is dark and moody. Not light-hearted. Which surprised me. This is one of the few newer Danny Elfman scores that I have liked in a while. Take a listen.

F. I love Alice Cooper, putting him in your movie will earn you points. Even if his face is CGI’ed to look 1970′s.

G. I loved how Barnabas kept talked about Satan coming to get his soul. It made me laugh.

H. This is the best Johnny Depp has looked since “A Nightmare on Elm Street“. Maybe cuz he was dead and had a nice haircut and didn’t look like a god damn pirate.

I. Don’t misunderstand me this movie is not edgy or inventive at all, and Tim Burton may have lost his originality for sure, but at least he can make something entertaining still. I doubted that for a while.

J. I have seen episodes of the old show, but I remember it being slow and quiet. I probably would have went an over-the-top route with it too, but not so jokey.

K. I love Chloë Grace Moretz.

L. Michelle Pfeiffer is good in any role.

M. I want to live by the ocean in an old mansion NOW!

N. I am not sure that if you liked the original “Dark Shadows” you will like the new movie.

O. I do like this poster, maybe because it looks like half the photos I take.

Did Pee-Wee Herman Make the World a Better Place? YES BITCH!

Posted by eddieray66 on May 10, 2012

OK I was watching “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure” the other day and I thought to myself Pee-wee Herman really makes the world a better a place. He has taught us to be tolerant and to be ourselves no matter what. At times the world may have looked at him like he was crazy or weird but he didn’t give two shits! He danced and he sang. He laughed and he cried. He even dressed up as a girl at one point and it was never an issue for him. He is happy. He isn’t gay or straight, black or white, male or female, old or young. He is just being himself. Just being happy. YOU GO PEE-WEE. He taught me that it was okay to like the shit I like, and to be cool with the world around me. Pee-Wee isn’t just a character he is a fuckin life lesson. He has taught us all something important about each other and the world. To do what makes you happy and fuck anyone who shits on your life party. Pee-Wee has always made sense to me since the moment I saw him, and since then I have thought “If he can be himself, then so can I bitch”. Anyway this shout out goes to Pee-Wee Herman you really do teach the world something, whether they know it or not. Thanks Pee-Wee you are the shit! You being you, helped us all be us. You are a global treasure! Now Make more movies and show! ASAP!

The Facts:

A. Pee-Wee is a friend to us all.

B. He doesn’t scare easy.

C. Here is Pee-Wee even being friends with a fuckin biker gang!

D. I wish my morning was like this every day!

E. If there was no Pee-Wee the world would have probably torn itself apart in the 90′s.

F. If you don’t dig Pee-Wee Herman go fuck yourself in a cubby hole bitch!

G. He laughs the way he wants to.

H. He is friends with Elvira.

I. He was in the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer“ movie.

J. This poster is incredible.

“Stake Land” or “Vampire Apocalypse”- my fuckin review

Posted by eddieray66 on May 9, 2012

I watched “Stake Land” last night and here is the mother fuckin review. OK so the movie starts off and the shit has already hit the fan. The apocalypse has popped off but this time it isn’t zombies, it’s VAMPIRES! The disease that has infected the planet has turned people into these blood sucking zombie looking vampire things. So now the world is an apocalyptic shit hole like in the movie “The Road“. Now this dude called Mister and this kid he saved from vampires named Martin live in this new world shit pit. Mister has trained Martin on how to survive in a world full of blood sucking assholes. Along the way they run into vamps, Kelly McGillis, religious creeps, and Danielle Harris. They are all trying to find food, survive the night and make their way to Canada for some reason. Ok I liked this movie, it was interested to see vampires in this setting and not zombies and I liked the characters and their fucked up journey. The Vampires didn’t fly or anything kooky, they just had teeth and were hungry and ape shit so that was cool. I really enjoy stories about the apocalypse and this one was quiet at times and I dug that. So if you love apocalyptic themes, vampires, Danielle Harris, and The Road then you will enjoy watching this jam. This is not your typical vampire story so if you are look for vampires to love you or fly or some shit, then your are ass is out of luck. It was not amazing but interesting and fun to watch.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Stake Land could also be a restaurant called Steak Land.

B. Vampires run fast and bite hard.

C. If you are pregnant during the apocalypse then you are fucked.

D. Connor Paolo did a good job as Martin. Not to scared, not to brave. Just trying to stay alive in a fucked world. He is also on the TV show “Revenge” as Declan Porter.

Here he is as Declan Porter.

E. They should have played this song in the movie somewhere. The Bee Gee’s “Night Fever”.

F. I love Danielle Harris, She is horror gold and was in “Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers“, “Halloween 5“ , “Urban Legend“, “Halloween“, and “Halloween II“.

G. Crosses didn’t work.

H. Vampires are hard to kill.

I. You can’t have friends in the apocalypse.

J. I would have been afraid Mister was going to rape me if I was Martin. Rape is a big thing in the apocalypse.

K.. This poster is weird.

“The Avengers” or “Superhero Gang Bang”- my fuckin review

Posted by eddieray66 on May 7, 2012

Here is my new movie review for “The Avengers“, I hope you enjoy that shit. Ok so we start off where “Iron Man“, “Iron Man 2“, ”Thor“, “The Incredible Hulk“, and “Captain America: The First Avenger” left off. Which for the life of me I could not remember at all. Anyway there are these space aliens/demons talking to the big bad guy of this story, Loki. He wants to destroy the earth with some kind of blue glowing rubix cube. The space scenes reminded me of the “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers”, which I was okay with. Then Gwyneth Paltrow shows up in Iron Mans crib looking like Daisy Dukes from “The Dukes of Hazzard” with no shoes on. She looked like a fuckin trash can. Put some shoes on Gwyneth P. fuck! Now Loki is on the loose, like weird horned caboose, and Samuel L. Jackson calls in The Avengers to party, but they don’t get along at all. They are like “fuck you” and “fuck that”, but in a PG way. Eventually shit pops off and they start getting along and have to fight Loki and the bad guys from the Power Rangers. In the end heroes rises and bad guys asses fall. Stay through the credits for 2 extra scenes. OK so I did like this movie a lot. At first I thought I hated all the character developement, but then it got into the fight scenes and I realized that the film needed all the development so that we cared about them when they got hurt and shit. The director Joss Whedon did a great job balancing all these fucking characters and you never felt like they focused on one more than the other. I even got sad in one scene. Fuck you, I didn’t cry bitch! The action scenes were fun and exciting to watch and I dug that shit. There were a few hokey moments in it, but I mean fuck there is a dude running around named Thor who is a god. So I guess you gotta get passed that, because the film is hokey before we even walked in. Anyway if you are looking for a superhero movie that made sense with great character development, interesting dialogue and amazing fight scenes then this go see this mega jam. The only thing missing was a superhero orgy. Go see this cut in the theatre for sure, cuz the bigger the better will always get the gay guys and ladies wetter. I would see this movie again for sure.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Nobody makes out or has sex in this movie.

B. There were a lot of Whedon-esque moments in this movie.

C. The score was a little generic, and it was composed by Alan Silvestri, who I love.

D. I like the THE HULK the most. I get his shit, but I wish they would have shown his green ass though. I would definitely go see a movie about the Hulk starring Mark Ruffalo now.

E. This film is now the biggest opening weekend movie ever. I guess that means they will be making “Thor 2″, “Iron Man 3″, “Captain America 2″, “Hulk 2″, and another “Avengers” movie. Get ready for a bunch of shitty movies to come out that will be nowhere near as cohesive as this one.

F. Joss Whedon you make me happy.

G. I understand Agent Phil Coulson the most. I have liked his character in all these fucking movies.

H. They really focused on Captain America’s (Chris Evans) ass a lot in this movie, and by ass I mean his ass literally. If you click on this pic you will see his ass jiggle.