“Nightmare on Elm Street” (2010) or “Kermit on Elm Street”-my fucking review

AHHHHHHHHH Freddy Krueger almost killed me last night in my sleep!!!! Cuz I almost feel asleep in the remake of “A Nightmare on Elm Street“. Let me first start off by saying I don’t hate remakes, re-do’s, remixes or whatever. Read this shit I wrote  a week before I watched this new Nightmare movie.

https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2010/04/24/horror-remakes-and-remakes-in-general-my-fuckin-thoughts/

I liked the remake of “Friday the 13th” and “Dawn of the Dead“, but this new Nightmare is really just “so what, who cares”. There are so many scenes that were taken from the original that it made it predictable and boring. Ok ….yeah I know it is a remake, but you could have the same characters and shit, but change-up the dream scenes to something new and cool. The premise to the new film is basically Freddy Krueger lived in the basement of a pre-school and tickled the kids, then the parents of the kids burned his ass alive. Then Freddy comes back in their dreams to tickle them more as teens and or kill them. My first problem is this, Freddy Krueger looks like Kermit the Frog. He aint scary. He looks like a real burn victim which makes the audience not afraid of him. They feel sorry for him, cuz his face is burned up, and you are like “ooooooo I don’t every want to get burned by a pissed off parent mob, that hurts.” Freddy’s voice is real jazzed up to sound deeper and echoey, which is just too much, and still comes off silly even though they are trying to make this one a “serious” new version. Really I just kept thinking that I miss the old Freddy played by Robert Englund, this Freddy is played by Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) from the movie “Watchmen“. Rorschach ain’t no Krueger. My next issue is that with any great teen oriented horror film you need, oh I don’t know, MEMORABLE FUCKING TEENS!  I have seen these teens in other movies and they are all good, but in this film they are boring as hell. Give me some memorable lines or some shit. How hard is it to write witty dialogue. The new Nancy (Rooney Mara) is a snooze, and basically a pretentious art student, ooooo you can paint, you are so deep. SHUT THE FUCK UP NANCY. I was like please Freddy kill her, or yourself whichever. I was like shit I would rather see fucking Raven-Symoné as Nancy fighting Freddy, than this little Miss Lisa Frank. Ok I listen to a lot of soundtracks, scores to be exact. Seriously a shit load. This score was done by a composer named Steve Jablonsky (Transformers, Texas Chainsaw remakes, Friday the 13th remakes, basically Michael Bay Productions). THIS SCORE IS WHAT I CALL “DISPOSABLE SCORE”, meaning it is forgettable, and basically you could have swapped the Freddy score with the Friday the 13th score and you would not have noticed. IT REALLY IS GENERIC SCHLOCK. Steven, I try to like your scores but they are disposable, and disappointing at best. In a nut shell the characters are forgettable, the scenes are forgettable, the score is forgettable, this film is forgettable. I don’t even hate this film, because I just don’t care enough about it to feel anything.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I feel like I am scarier than the new Freddy Krueger.

B. The girl who played Nancy is a dumb ass and I hope I never see her again. Go paint something bitch!

C. There is a scene where the character Tina is flying around the room and Freddy is killing her in her sleep, and I couldn’t stop laughing because I want that to be a ride at Universal Studios.

D. Raven Symone would be a better Nancy.

E. If you send your kids to a Pre-school with a pervy dude who lives in the fucking basement, don’t be surprised when they come home and tell you they got tickled.

F. Kermit the frog ain’t scary.

G. I hate when a character is telling someone they saw something spooky or fucked up, and then the person they are telling it to dismisses them and says they are crazy or whatever. If you told me you were having nightmares about a dude trying to kill you, I would say yes that is fucked up, now lets fight this fucker together. If you ever dismiss me about fucked up shit I will punch you in the face, and never talk to you again, and give the dude who is after me your address.

H. Fuck you Steve Jablonsky.

I. I have never slept better after watching this film. Thanks for nothing burn victim Freddy.

J. My friend Marlinda makes a better Freddy than this shit. Watch and see.

2 thoughts on ““Nightmare on Elm Street” (2010) or “Kermit on Elm Street”-my fucking review

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s