“The Book of Eli” or “Denzel finds a Bible”- my fuckin review

OK I rented “The Book of Eli” only because I like post apocalyptic themes. Listen I love the fashion, and the loss of color, it is almost like anything pink got blown up or burned in all these films. Here we go, so the end of the world has already popped off, I guess like 30 years ago or some shit. They filmed this entire film in GRAY-O-VISION because I can hardly see what the fuck is going on and I watched the shit in HD. So Malcolm X has been traveling the earth trying to get to San Fransisco for 30 years. WHAT THE FUCK, he must have been walking around in circles fort 29 of those years eating cats and listening to his iPOD. I am serious, in a world where everything is gray, your eating cats, fighting rapists, fucking fallout, and licking sand, you are still able to hit shuffle on your iPOD. SHUT THE FUCK UP, I can’t even keep my shit charged pre-apocalypse. Then Malcolm X gets to this small town run by rapists and Gary Oldman as Dracula. Turns out Dracula likes to read and Malcolm X has the one book he wants, THE BIBLE. So instead of sharing the good book with these rapists, Malcolm says peace out and kills the fuck out of all these dudes ninja style. Yeah old ass Malcolm X is a killing machine. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Needless to say the whole movie gets preachy and they are trying to get the bible to San Fransisco, I guess for the gay folks who are now living on Alcatraz with Malcolm McDowell as their gay king. So I say skip this post apocalyptic 1st Baptist church service and rent Mad Max beyond Thunderdome, the fashion is better, and hello TINA FUCKIN TURNER. In fact, if Eli was played by her and not Malcolm X it would have been more believable to me. The score was a snoooooze too. Well if you like Denzel Washington and movies with no color that try to force the bible on you, then this is for you.

Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Malcolm X was better in “Malcolm X” and “Glory”.

B. Water is real expensive in the future. Stock up now.

C. The only colors that exist in a post apocalyptic worlds are gray, brown and black.

D. If I am hungry I will probably eat a cats face off, and probably yours too with hot sauce.

E. When Malcolm X was giving a speech about the bible, I was like whatever, then outside my window a loud lighting crash happened and scared the shit out of me. Then I was like sorry jesus or whoever.

F. Gary Oldman was better as Dracula than a rapist.

G. Everyone in this movie wore sunglasses, I guess the sun went nuclear or something.

I. At least APPLE technology is still going strong after the bombs go off.

J. I want to see a post apocalyptic movie with Tina Turner and Olivia Newton John killing the shit out of people with Uzi’s and knives, and singing while they do it wearing this outfit.

K. I wish this movie was called “The Book of Eli Banks” and starred Eli Banks.

L. I would have killed people over the book “Animal Farm” I really love that book.

3 thoughts on ““The Book of Eli” or “Denzel finds a Bible”- my fuckin review

  1. Hey Eddie, if we can get Tina and Olivia with some uzis and knives, I think “The Book of Eli Banks” is the perfect title!

  2. Eddie, you seem to be the perfect balance between male and female energy. That simply stuns, amazes, and impresses me all at once. It may have something to do with amount of rum I have drunk, but mostly it just impresses me. Once again, I say you are the jive-ass man. I am pretty sure we were BFFs in a previous life ; )

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