“Twilight- New Moon” or “Bella Lugosi Just Rolled Over In His Grave”- my fuckin review

Ok I am slow, but I wanted to give Twilight 2-New Moon a watch. So the story starts off and Buffy Summers and Angel are finally together, and it is Buffy’s birthday and she gets a new camera from her dad, so she can make what all white girls want to make, a scrap book. Then Oz show ups, aka the wolf man, with shitty hair and gives her a dream catcher. I would have knocked that shit out of his hands and said come back with something worth a shit, like the latest “Vampire Weekend” cd. Then her vampire boyfriend Angel gives her nothing, but Buffy wants Angel to bite her and turn her into a vampire like him. Little do they realize that being a vampire means you are technically some sort of demon with no soul and will surely go to hell when you are staked. So instead Angel has a birthday party for her with his vampire family. They stare alot at her. At the party Buffy gets cut on something and Angel’s brother Spike goes nutz and tries to rape her or eat her or whatever, so Angel protects her by throwing her ass across the room and breaking her god damn arm. Thanks Angel. What if Buffy has her period? Then Angel gives her one last birthday gift, the gift of breaking up. Maybe if they laugh once a week, or go watch a comedy it would have lasted longer. So then Angel and his family move back to Transylvania and Buffy is sad as fuck. She literally sits in front of a window staring for 4 months, then cries ever night. Buffy is a real fucking cry baby, I mean shit we have all been dumped, get past it, shit go rent “Gilmore Girls” or some shit you Debbie Downer. So then she decides to start dating OZ the werewolf and he gets a hair cut for her, then he and all his wolf pack friends all wear low-cut shorts and no shirts for her too. Next Buffy decides she wants to live on the edge and tries to get raped by a gang of bikers in the hopes that Angel is watching and will come save her. He does not. Later Oz turns into Scooby-Doo, and brings Scrappy-Doo, and Dummy-Doo along for the werewolf ride. Turns out Buffy attracts all that supernatural shit. So now Oz and the Doo’s try to protect Buffy from the beautiful red-headed Willow Rosenberg, Willow is a vampire and can do cart wheels and shit. I can’t lie, I like this Willow bitch. Now Buffy is starting to smell like wet dogs. Later Oz lies and tells Angel that Buffy is dead, so now Angel must go to the Watchers council in Europe to get them to kill him (Angel), because he can’t live without Buffy. Now Buffy is in a mad dash to get to Angel to stop him from getting himself killed. On the way she runs into a bunch of Satan worshiping towns folk wearing red cloaks, now I do love me some red cloaks. Now Angel jumps in the sun with his shirt off to turn into a super gay twink with glitter and everything. Buffy stops him and they make out and he is straight again, but the watchers council don’t play. They send in Dakota Fanning as Dawn to bring in Angel and Buffy, I have to say I wish this movie was all about Dakota Fanning as a killing machine, that would have been hot as shit. So then Dawn takes Buffy and Angel to see The Master (I think he was bisexual) and it turns out Vampires can do all kinds of tricks, not just turn into bats. At the end Angel and Buffy make a deal with The Master to bite her ass so she will be a vampire, turns out the dynamic emo duo were lying, Angel don’t want to bite that ass. Buffy is now grounded (not in her life, but like her dad grounds and punishes her). Finally Buffy, Angel and Oz have a 3 way in the woods, and they buy Oz a fucking shirt. So yeah, ummm, maybe I don’t like over dramatic love stories that do not makes sense to me, maybe I am an empty shell of a man, maybe I feel nothing. NO this is not true, I feel god damn it. Maybe the books are better but this movie is silly and forced. It takes itself way to seriously, and doesn’t know how to have fun with love. Love is not the end of the world it’s the beginning, it laughter and happiness. Not Debbie Downers. I know this review will piss Twilight fans off but really all this shit was done already and YES IT WAS CALLED BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. I am all for reboots and new stories and shit, but BUFFY did it well, did it god damn well and if you are going to play ball on this vampire love field you need to get your shit straight. You are competing with 7 seasons and 5 spin-off seasons, THAT’S 12 YEARS BITCH. Some of you may say will don’t compare it to Buffy, well stop acting like Buffy bitch. haha Anyway is this movie shit? NO. Will I ever watch this movie again, HELL NO. I love horror and I grew up on it more than milk, and really this film just spits in the face of horror. Who knows maybe part 3 will be better. I feel like if they had focused on that red-headed bitch and Dakota Fanning I would have dug it more. Anyway if there was really a Dracula he just threw up on the Volvo Edward drives. Vampires driving god damn Volvo’s hahahha

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Bella Swan ain’t no “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, I wish Buffy would have shown up and whipped her and Edwards fucking ass. (Some of you just said out loud “Why don’t you get over Buffy?” I said this back to you “Why don’t you get over this nutz bitch?”

B. Edward Cullen is racist against Native Americans.

C. Does nobody in this fucking town notice how fucked up the vampires eyes are. I would have met Edward and been like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR EYES BI-A-TCH.

D. Nobody laughs in this movie.

E. How come everybody is half-naked and nobody is having sex.

F. Jacob Black said being a werewolf is not a lifestyle choice, he was born gay, or whatever.

G. Apparently when you get turned into a werewolf you get buff and a haircut.

Jacob Pre Wolf

Jacob after he is a werewolf

H. For Christs sakes put a fuckin shirt on, I haven’t seen this much nippage since I went to the Clairmont Lounge.

I. If they went back and edited out all the standing around and staring, it would only be 30 minutes long.

J. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is a fuckin tease, she owes Jacob (Taylor Lautner) a BJ.

K. Was I this dramatic in High School, Oh god what if i am that dramatic now.

L. Raven Symone should have been the head vampire.

M. Vampires and werewolves don’t get along, I blame the “Underworld” movies.

N. These teens need some god damn candy or some cupcakes or a laugh, christ if I was this sad all the time I would kill myself.

O. Do all vampires shop at the same store?

P. If am dating a vampire, then i want to get bit, I could never get my shit together until 8pm anyway.

Q. If you ever save me in a Volvo I will laugh in your fucking face.

R. I wish vampires wore neon green and not black all day.

S. Seriously those werewolves really did look like the same CGI used to make the live action version of Scooby Fucking Doo.

T. I want to slap that bitch Bella in the face, she had the same look the whole fuckin movie. I will buy you a personality, they are on sale at Walmart right now.

U. I think I judged Dakota Fanning to hard before this film, or she was good because the film around her was boring. Whichever.

V. I do like the ocean and trees in this film.

W. I wanted Edward to ride a werewolves back so bad, like a horse you pervs.

X. The scene with the red head girl Victoria doing cart wheels was the best part. PS I did like the Thom Yorke song

Y. I can’t wait until all these 15-year-old girls grow up and realize that there is no Edward and no Vampire on a white horse to save you. hahahha

Z. This should have been the movie.

2 responses to ““Twilight- New Moon” or “Bella Lugosi Just Rolled Over In His Grave”- my fuckin review

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