“2012” or “You Didn’t Pray Hard Enough”- my fuckin review

I finally got to see the movie “2012“. Oh my fucking god hahaha. OK lets seeeee…… It starts off in 2009 and someone rattles some shit off about the center of the earth and it’s hot and the sun is pissed off, and insert some techno babble here. So the world is going to end and they tell the President, who is played by Danny Glover, I mean really a black president, who will believe this kind of crazy fantasy. President Glover and the rest of the earths Presidents decide to hide it from the public and come up with some “save ass” plan. Part one of the plan is to switch out the real Mona Lisa painting for a fake one. Then cracks start showing up on roads and shit. Now the year is 2012, and ENTER THE CUSACK- John Cusack, he is divorced and his ex-wife and kids live with a new dude, but Cusack is a good dad and takes his 2 brats (the daughter pisses the bed, I don’t what this has to do with the plot but they bring it up alot) to Yellow Stone Park. There they break the law and climb over some Government fence saying don’t come in. I have come to find out that scenes like these are true, WHITE PEOPLE ARE FUCKIN NOSEY AS HELL, they think shit don’t apply to them because they are white. Hey honkeys mind your own buiz-nass. Meanwhile the Government, even though the world is about to fall apart, are makings jokes about love interests in the film. Later Cusack and the kids run into WOODY HARRELSON, he is some crazy hippy who knows the world is going to end and eats alot of pickles. I HATE THIS CHARACTER, I WANT THE WORLD TO END NOW. Now the mom and the step-dad are in a store talking and right before an earthquake happens, they literally say “Something is pulling us apart” then a crack opens in the ground and it separates them. I’M SERIOUS. Now Cusack knows the world is about to end and he tries to tell his wife, but she says he crazy (once again I hate in film when a loved one tells somebody something important and they say he or she is crazy, say that shit to me and I hope you die). OH NO!!!!! Cusack is right so he loads the kids, ex-wife and her new husband in a car, then somehow is able to out run an earthquake in a car. SHUT THE FUCK UP, the earthquake is chasing them (you may remember “the cold” chasing Jake Gyllenhaal in another Ronald Emmerich film called “Day After Tomorrow”). So the ground is literally collapsing around them and they are so calm about it, I would be shitting my pants. Later they end up on a mountain with Woody again, and that mountain blows up and turns into a nuclear volcano they size of the state. Luckily the have stolen a plane and Cusack is still being called crazy, and they head toward China to get in some Space Boats the Government has set up. President Glover does not go, he feels he doesn’t want to leave America to die by herself or some shit. So he gives a speech and even though the entire planet is falling the fuck apart, people are watching him on jumbotrons calm as shit. Let me just say this THE WORLD IS ENDING, FUCK AMERICA, FUCK CANADA, FUCK CHINA, FUCK ALL THAT SHIT THAT MATTERED YESTERDAY. NONE OF THAT STUPID HUMAN SHIT MATTERS ANYMORE. YOU NEED TO SAVE THE GOD DAMN SPECIES NOT SOME TERRITORY THAT HAS A PRETTY NAME. Later more people crack jokes as the world falls into pieces and the planet is dying. Meanwhile the Pope is giving speeches that if they keep praying they will make it, then the ground opens up and kills them all because they weren’t praying hard enough. They finally get to the space boats, that will not be going into space, and it turns out Cusack is selfish and he is really only worried about his family and puts the space boats in danger that are full of animals and humans. Clearly your daughter who pisses the bed every night is more important than keeping humanity alive. In the end someone goes on a rant about how humanity is about caring for one another and why be alive if we are assholes. I would have pushed that guy off the boat, and as he fell screaming I would have shot him. Then the black male actor falls in love with the black female actress, because surely if he is black and she is black they will fall in love (Hollywood is racist). The earth is now full of water, a shit load of dead people, and Africa is the only land left. Hakuna Matata bitch. Finally Adam Lambert sings us into the new world and the end credits. This movie is a mess. The Director of this shit was Roland Emmerich, who did other films that were a mess like “Independence Day”, “Godzilla”, and “The Day After Tomorrow”. I feel like he sits there and has a good idea, like lets blow the world up or some shit. The he tries to throw in all this over dramatic fake ass humanity bullshit, that honestly nobody give a shit about. I didn’t care if Cusack and the kids die, they are boring, lame and fake. It’s like just cut the bullshit out, I don’t want your salad bring out the meat and potatoes bitch. This film is a disaster movie, that is what we are in it for, cut that fake ass emotion out. If you wanna see a good disaster movie that doesn’t seemed forced and the emotion seems real watch “Deep Impact“. Anyway I say skip this shit, yeah destruction is pretty, but when the humans start talking, I started puking.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Morgan Freeman (Deep Impact) makes a better President than Danny Glover. Sorry Danny you beat Whoopi in “The Color Purple”.

B. If the world ends I don’t care if the Mona Lisa gets obliterated.

C. I hate love interests scenes where goofy score is played.

D. You don’t have the right, because you are white. Mind your own business bitch.

E. Woody Harrelson sucked in this film.

F. I don’t care if I say I just found out the world is going to transform into a fucking robotic Carrot Top, if you say I am crazy, I will punch you in the face and never talk to you again.

G. The Jesus statue fell over.

H. Hawaii turned into nothing but lava. haha

I. Somehow cell phones worked in this entire movie. I have no idea how or why but everyone’s cell phone worked. The one film they should not have worked in was this one.

J. Ok America you can rest at ease, yes their dog made it. Americans do not like dogs dying in films, they get angry like it was their kid or some shit. So be happy the dog lived, just like in “Independence Day”. LAME.

K. The rooms in the space boats were nice.

L. I wonder if the actors even read the script.

M. Those kids need their asses whipped for back talking their dad. My dad would have shot me for talking back.

N. If the world ends I hope nobody involved in the making of this movie lives.

O. The Queen of England makes it to a space boat with her 2 dogs, I am serious.

P. I needed the world to end about an hour into this movie. I would have said thank you as the giant wave hit me.

Q. Oh yeah the effects looked real, but so does me driving through Atlanta at 6pm.

2 responses to ““2012” or “You Didn’t Pray Hard Enough”- my fuckin review

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