“A Smoky Mountain Christmas” or “Dolly vs. The Witch Woman”- my fuckin review

OK the Hallmark Channel played “A Smoky Mountain Christmas” last night and since I am single I watched it. Anyway I dig Dolly Parton and she is the main star in this 1986 TV movie. The plot is about this country singer played by Dolly Parton, who is fuckin over her stage shows being all neon and new wave. She wants to be sitting in a field singing her country jams, not in a studio. So she decides to go on break for Christmas and go to the smoky mountains where she grew up to think about her life in a cabin with snow on top. When she gets there she runs into a bunch of homeless kids who have set up shop in her old cabin. The kids have no parents and are fuckin over foster homes, so they ran away and broke into her cabin. Then Dolly and the kids strike a deal about living together until after Christmas. Later the Bionic Man (Lee Majors) shows up as a scary mountain man, but ends up being nice and digging on Dolly and the kids too. But wait there is trouble on the mountain in the form of a WITCH WOMAN, that’s what they call her too. She is a bitch and doesn’t like Dolly or those kids and she knows magic and shit. She possibly works for Satan himself. In the end Dolly faces the Witch Woman, and a court judge who is played by John Ritter. If you want a feel good Christmas movie about Dolly, some brats, the Bionic Man, and a Witch Woman than this is for you. So yeah this was for me. Dolly Sings alot of Christmas shit in this too. I liked the film, and Dolly’s hair and boobs are both huge in this film.

The trailer:
go to 2:05 into this clip. This was her New Wave music video that pissed her off in the beginning of the film.

The Facts:
A. Dolly is a real smart ass.

B. Dolly likes big things.

C. I can’t raise 10 fucking homeless kids.

D. I need to get with a Witch Woman, she was banging.

E. I wish Dolly would carry an Uzi.

F. What is funny is one of the orphan kids carried a shot gun. He was like 13 years old. You don’t see that shit in film anymore. WHAT A FUCKIN SHAME TOO. Here is another jam she sang to the kids.

G. I want to go to DOLLYWOOD!!!!!

H. Has anyone every seen Dolly’s boobs, ya know, like hanging out?

I. I WANT THIS SONG!!!!

J. Here is one of my favorite Kenny and Dolly Christmas songs.

K. A country singer in a cabin taking care of orphans with shot guns and being attacked by Witch Women, could very well be the best plot I have ever heard about.

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