“The Road” or “Apoca-rape”- my fuckin review

Watched “The Road” last night starring Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, some little boy and Charlize Theron. The movie is about a post apocalyptic world that Aragorn and his son live in. You guessed it the world is a big shit hole, no sun, no food, no Wal-mart. They do how ever have push carts from CVS to wheel their shit around in. Basically the world is made of homeless people with bad teeth. So Aragorn and his kid cart around trying to find food and not get eaten or raped. The big fear in a post apocalyptic world is getting raped first then eaten. There isn’t a lot of action, but if you like exercise there is a lot of walking in this film. They walk all over the god damn place. Charlize Theron’s part is small, but as always, is so convincing. She could play a live action version of fucking MINNIE MOUSE and you would believe it. She is awesome. I did like this movie a lot, and I thought the world looked pretty being dead. So if you like walking, eating humans, potential rape, and crickets for snacks then this movie is for you. Remember it isn’t fast paced but its interesting and well acted. I love me some post apocalyptic jams, especially ones that are depressing as hell.

The trailer:

The Facts:

A. Aragorn looks hungry the whole movie.

B. Kids in the future do not know what a can of Dole’s fruit is.

C. They never show what destroyed the world, probably that BP oil spill or some shit.

D. Charlize Theron is gold, gold all day and gold all night.

E. In this world you would have to sleep like Metallica (sleep with one eye open gripping your pillow tight).

F. I bet Human with buffalo sauce might taste ok. Buffalo sauce on anything is good.

G. Aragorn carries a gun around to shoot themselves with so they don’t get raped. Ummmm how bout pointing that gun at the rapist. PS I don’t want to be raped but I would rather be raped than dead. At least I could seek revenge.

H. I just kept thinking what if someone was raping you and eating you at the same time. WHAT THE FUCK.

I. I do love post apocalyptic films.

J. Aragorn didn’t trust anyone, and made some dude take off all his clothes, and then took his clothes, and left his ass there naked as hell.

K. This movie is depressing so if you are looking for something light-hearted go watch “Sex in the Shitty 2”.

L. This movie was based on a book, I hear that most of the book is just walking, I wouldn’t know because reading hurts my eyes, yes they are hurting right now from typing this.

M. Everyone looks like hammered shit in this movie, which I liked.

N. They find a coke can at one point and shit their pants. I would have shit over a fresh cat by that point.

O. The kid kept calling his dad “Papa” it drove me nuts. He was believable though.

P. They should have played this song in the end credits. Boy 2 Men “End of the Road”

here are 2 different posters for “THE ROAD”- walking toward and walking away. A whole lotta walking.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s