“MACHETE” or “The Best Movie This Year” – my fuckin review

Tonight I got to see an early preview of the new Robert Rodriguez film “Machete“. Let me start off by saying OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!! THIS FILM IS AMAZING! I LOVE THIS FUCKING MOVIE! It was so much fun! I felt like I was out of breath the entire film. The film stars Danny Trejo, who plays Machete, an ex-Federale¬†out for revenge. They call him Machete because he is good with killing people with machetes. The action scenes are violent, gory and incredible. It also stars Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, and Tom Savini, and in my opinion, the best roles of their careers. My two favorite characters are played by Electra Avellan and Elise Avellan (known as the Baby Sitter Twins), who play Machete’s nurses. Yes they have machine guns also. This film was originally shot as a fake trailer that played between the Grindhouse films “Planet Terror” and “Death Proof” back in 2007, but got so much attention that Rodriguez decided to make it into a real full length film. I am so happy he did, I love how he creates characters that are so interesting and entertaining that you could pull each one out to star in their own stand alone movie. The film is not all action, tits, and gore, there is also a message about how Mexicans are treated in this country. Today I wish I was Mexican and I owned a machete. Wait I do own a few machetes. Ok so if you don’t see this movie you are a fucking fool. This is the best film of the year. This film made me so happy, and the entire audience was happy as well. I am not a religious man, but I will pray for a sequel tonight. If you see this film and do not like it, then you will not like me, so do me a favor and delete this blog from your life and take me off your facebook or whatever. Yes I loved this beautiful throw back to exploitation films.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Lindsey Lohan is forgiven, she can run over 10 kids with her car and I wouldn’t care after seeing her in this movie. She was wearing a nun outfit and holding a machine gun at one point in the movie, and I LITERALLY HAD A PANIC ATTACK BECAUSE IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

B. Danny Trejo you are my hero. You deserve an Oscar.

C. Jessica Alba I love you, you fought with a pair of high heels.

D. Michelle Rodriguez this is your best role, you are a living rainbow of power.

E. Lindsey Lohan this is your best role. Everyone leave this poor soul alone.

F. Cheech you are gold. Abba Gold

G. Tom Savini we owe you much.

H. Steven Seagal this is your best role, and you make sense to me finally.

I. Robert Rodriguez thank you for making films that I understand and wish I was in. You literally create the best characters in film today.

J. I wanted to walk right back in and watch it all over again.

K. The Babysitter Twins are the most amazing girls in film today. I FUCKING LOVE Electra and Elise Avellan. I pray I meet them one day.

L. I wish I could tell you all the cool parts in this film, but I would ruin it. GO SEE THIS MOVIE GOD DAMN IT.

M. If you don’t go see cool rated R movies Hollywood will stop making them. You will only get the fucking “Blind Side” or “Nanny Mc-Fuckin Fee”

N. Machete’s theme song is fucking amazing.

O. Buy a ticket now to see it this Friday.

P. Steven Seagal and Danny Trejo in a sword fight scene together. FUCK

Q. This movie is what the word “Cool” means.

R. Luchador fight scene.

S. I felt dizzy after watching this film.

T. I will say this phrase now after watching the next 10 films I see. “That was no Machete”.

U. DON’T BE LAME, A PRUDE, A NERD, A DUMB ASS, A SHIT FACE. Go ride a ride that is fun. This Movie Bitch!

V. I am literally holding my real machete in my lap right now. No you perv, the knife.

W. Oh

X. My

Y. GOD

Z. Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria……..

One response to ““MACHETE” or “The Best Movie This Year” – my fuckin review

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