“Them” (2006) or “French Hooded Hipster Attack”- my fuckin review

Them” is a french film that I have read a lot about over the years and just forgot about it until recently.  It starts off with 2 French bitches who wreck their car bitching and then get attacked by French hipsters in hoodies. Later a female teacher drives to meet her husband at their Chateau (that means fancy house in french), but this Chateau looks like a shit hole and they don’t cut their fuckin grass either.  So basically they go to bed and don’t lock their doors, and then the French lady gets a weird phone call that creeps her out, which makes her go take a bath. I mean what the fuck, if something creeps you out do not go take a bath. Later this group of teens in hoodies show up to fuck with them. What is with people not locking their doors. I have always locked my doors, I mean shit the world is crazy. Do people not know this? LISTEN HUMANS, LOCK YOUR GOD DAMN DOORS! I know they can break down the door if they really want in, but it will give you a minute to pick up a baseball bat at least. In the end the cat and mouse chase is on, and I hate the phrase “cat and mouse chase”. Will these French hooded hipsters kill the couple? Will the French couple learn to lock their doors and windows? Will the french couple cut their grass and clean their Chateau? You will have to rent this movie to find out. Yes, it is subtitled and loosely based on a true story. It was just ok for me, people say they love it, but maybe I should have seen it in 2006 to get the full effect. Now it just seems like text-book horror. I would rather have eaten a French Pastry.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. LOCK YOUR FUCKIN DOORS. If you die with your doors unlocked then I will not feel sorry for  your ass one bit.

B. Turns out white people do stupid shit in France too.

C. I’m surprised these French hooded hipsters didn’t rape these people too, In America those hipsters would have raped them probably. Americans are fucked up sometimes.

D. Cut your grass, I mean we all hate it, but you have to cut it.

E. If being chased by French hooded hipsters pick up a weapon to fight with. Don’t just run around with your hands waving in the air.

F. Seriously if something weird happens around you that scares the shit out of you, do not take your clothing off and get into a tub and or shower. You are begging to get murdered or raped.

G. Hoodies are not scary, I have a shit load of them.

H. The movie is called “Them” because there were many killers after them.

I. In the true story, one of the French hooded hipsters said “They wouldn’t play with us, so we played with them” hahaha kids today.

J. This message is for white people only! The world is not safe, people are crazy, lock your doors, do not be nosey, being naked is not always a good thing, if you have a cat it will jump out of a closet at you, and call the police more. I know that just because you are white you think the world is happy with ponies and shit, but sometimes those ponies will rape, murder and eat you.

K. The TV programs in France are shitty, those French hooded hipsters were just bored is all.

L. The Poster makes them look like aliens with hoodies.

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