“Monsters” or “Where Are The Monsters Bitch?”- My fuckin review

Here is my review for the movie “Monsters“. The film starts off 6 years after the planet Earth (that’s where you live bitch) has had an alien invasion. Don’t get excited, they do not show the invasion. The giant aliens (which look like squids) are walking around not really doing anything wrong but bumping into shit. So anyway this reporter dude, that is really moody for some reason, has to take his bosses daughter to safety. They are both in Mexico, so now they can’t get over the border because the giant Squids are blocking the path to the U.S. (the alien squids were probably hired by the U.S. to keep Mexicans out, the U.S is trying to hold people back). Will the couple get past the squid aliens? Will the couple make out in front of the squid aliens? Will Machete show up? All these questions are answered in the film, whether you like it or not. Ok so it’s not a bad movie, but the problem is WHERE DO ALL THE MONSTERS STAY? The aliens are barely in this film, it’s really just about these 2 white assholes trying to get over the border. If you like white assholes then this film is for you! If you like Aliens and Monsters then this film is not for you! I say rent it, and just know there are no monsters in it, and yes assholes, I get there forced metaphor about the “Monsters” being humanity and not the aliens at all. OOOOOOOOOO

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Don’t call your movie “Monsters” and expect people not to be pissed when there aren’t any monsters in it. They did not venture beyond this point in the movie.


B. Your metaphor is played out. We get it.

C. I would have shot the aliens too, they were ugly and didn’t speak.

D. If you drop off 2 white people in the jungle they will probably fall in love.


E. I would rather watch “Mars Attacks”.

F. I hope I never have to take any of my bosses daughter’s anywhere, or I will push them in front of Monsters.

G. I wanted to see aliens eating people, and landing on humans heads. They do show a drawing of the monsters fighting.


H. It’s not a bad movie, but it’s misleading. That shit pisses me off. Go watch this movie instead.

I. The poster is cute.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s