“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1” or “Harry Potter Takes a Tour of the English Countryside for 3 Hours” my fuckin review

Ok let me start off by saying I do not read the books for Harry Potter, but I have seen all the movies and just watched “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1“. So this time Harry is in a pickle. He, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley are on the run and are hiding from the bad guys. That’s about it, they are just going from scenic location to scenic location in a tent. I was hoping for more magic and more action, but there is not any. There is however a lot of talking and bitching about finding a sword and what location they should visit next. I am glad that the movie was not silly since they are in their 20’s now or whatever, so their dialogue was at least intelligent and adult. The film was so slow and honestly boring. I bet now you are saying well you have to read the books to understand what is going on fully. Well if I had to read a book each time I went to the theatre to understand a movie, I wouldn’t go to the theatre. The movie should stand on its own without a book, if it does not stand alone then the director has failed. Later a CGI Gollum shows up, dies and then we are expecting to cry. Here is the problem with that, I know DOBBO was in the other films, but I didn’t watch a Harry Potter marathon before I came to see the new one, so they throw his character back into this one real fast, then throw a knife at him and I am supposed to care about a character I barely now in this film. I guess I was just hoping for more action and magic shit, and all I got was the Travel Channel. So If you read the books, and like the English countryside this film is for you. I want more magic in “Magical” movies.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I wish this story was about the bad guys, they were more fun, interesting and knew how to throw a dinner party.

B. I like Luna Lovegood (she is barely in this film). It’s like they said lets take all the cool characters and leave them out of this one.

C. Just so you know this film is NOT DARK. The only thing dark in this movie is that they filmed the English countryside on overcast days. If one more person tells me this shit is dark I will punch them in the face with a baby and say “That was dark bitch”. Go watch Watership Down (a cartoon) that shit is dark.

D. They don’t use their magic enough, I would be drunk off magic, think Dark Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I would be magically tearing off people’s heads and skin. Yeah that’s dark BICTH.

E. After watching Harry, Hermione and Giganto Ron in a tent for 3 hours, I realized that Voldemort is not a bad guy, I would want to kill all 3 of them too.

F. The score was nice.

G. I would use magic just to go to the bathroom. “Illuminanti Bladder” then my bladder would be empty.

H. This movie could have been smooshed into 10 minutes long. Warner Brothers said how can we make more money off the last Harry Potter movie? We can stretch them out into two movies. I dare you to tell me I am wrong!

I. If I worked for Voldemort I would say listen this magic thing is not working out we should just go get a bomb and then teleport to Harry’s ass and blow him to hell.

J. Lord Voldemort is a boring bad guy, and really not bad at all. He just has no nose and can’t smell, hell is basically just a pale burn victim wearing a moo-moo. I just feel sorry for him.

K. I like Hermione (Emma Watson) she needs her own movie.

L. I wish someone would put down their magic wand and say “I AM BEYOND THIS WAND GOD DAMN IT! I AM MAGICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!” Then destroy the entire room and everyone in it. Don’t ever give me magic powers or you will truly know what the word “Dark” means BITCH.  I am into chinese black magic, watch this scene and see how it is really done. If you don’t like this scene, that is fine, but you are probably racist.

M. Go watch the Travel Channel.

N. This movie needed Sabrina the Teenage Witch in it, and her robotic talking black cat.

O. This song should have played in the end credits. LAME.

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