“Burlesque” or “Cher is an Avatar”- my fucking review

In my defense my mom wanted me to go with her to see this today for Thanksgiving. Here’s the story, Christina Aguilera lives in the country and she is poor, she says “Fuck this, I can sing so I am going to LA”. She gets to LA an realizes she is weird-looking and singing can’t always cut it, so she goes into this bar called “Burlesque”.  Christina meets the owner of the club which is an avatar of Cher, I think the same special effects that James Cameron used on “Avatar” were used to create this CGI Cher. Ok so Christina gets a job at Burlesque’s and it turns out they do Burlesque shows at Burlesque’s.  Now insert TV sitcom story line here, yep the club is not making enough money so CGI Cher might have to sell that shit, but wait Christina Aguilera and Cher work at the bar and they can sing. YAY. That is really about it, I mean yeah there are some other characters running around and a love interest, but who cares. Think “Coyote Ugly” meets “Show Girls” just without the boobs and nudity. So if you love Cher and Christina Aguilera, broadway songs, shirtless dudes, or you are a gay male then you will probably love this movie. I thought the songs were forgettable, the story was stolen from “Saved by the Bell” and Christina Aguilera gets on my nerves.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Is Cher even still alive or is she a special effect. I swear I was like “What the fuck, she is CGI”.

B. I really do hate how Christina Aguilera sings, you know that up and down voice shit. It’s like we get Christina, you can sing different notes, shut the fuck up.

C. I think Christina Aguilera’s hair was backlit with a gold light the whole fuckin movie.

D. Seriously Cher looks like a drag queen mannequin now.

E. I felt like this movie was trying to be “Chicago”.

F. Go watch the Dolly Parton movie “Straight Talk” same thing.

G. Do you want to see a real Burlesque show? Then go see a “BLAST OFF BURLESQUE” Show.

http://www.facebook.com/BlastOffBurlesque

H. Alan Cummings was in this movie for like 2 minutes.

I. I do like the way Cher sings though, but she should have sang this song at the end. This music video should be made into a movie damn it.

J. My dad liked the movie, he may be gay.

K. I would only cast Cher as android, or Morticia Addams in a remake of the “Addams Family”.

L. Turns out I was really to hard on the movie “Showgirls” at least they gave you boobs, ice cubes, and someone getting pushed down the stairs. This movie had none of this.

M. Seriously the blue aliens in the movie “Avatar” look more real than Cher at this point.

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