“Twilight: Eclipse” or “Don’t have Sex Until You Get Married to a Vampire”- my fuckin review

I finally watched “Twilight: Eclipse” and honestly I didn’t hate it as much as the first two films (which maybe doesn’t say much).  Ok so this time Bella Swan still can’t decide between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, but now there is a bad vamp force organizing to eat her, and she is still grounded. No need to panic though, Bella is still emo and likes to write poems while sitting in a field with purple flowers with her vampire boyfriend out in the sun. Now Edward wants to marry Bella, but Bella just wants to die and get turned into a vampire. I am not sure if Bella or the writer (Stephenie Meyer‘s) of the books knows what a vampire even is.  Someone should send Stephenie Meyer’s ANYTHING about vampires so she knows what she is writing about.  Later Bella gets horny and wants Edward to bang her, but he has some sort of super vamp penis and he is a mormon, so he doesn’t want to have sex until marriage. HE SAYS THIS IN THE FILM! A FUCKIN VAMPIRE SAYS HE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. HE IS A VAMPIRE, the whole metaphor about a vampire is about SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Later Bella teases Jacob, then teases Edward, then Jacob again. Even after she says yes to marriage to Edward, she goes and makes out with Jacob. YES BELLA YOU ARE A FUCKIN TEASE! I was hoping Edward and Jacob would tire of this emotionless bitch and turn gay and date each other. She must have magic punanny (if you are too white look this word up).  Then enter Dakota Fanning, she is back and has a couple of lines and is mean. In the end there is this big ass fight scene between good vamps, bad vamps and werewolves. That was pretty cool, only because I am sucker for cartwheels. So ok is this movie bad? No. Will I ever watch it again HELL NO! It is better than the first 2 films, the dialog made more sense to me in this one, and I liked how they finally flushed out some of the other characters so that we got to know who they were. My point once again is that these Twilight movies roots are based in Horror, but the writer has no idea what she is writing about. You got vampires out in the sun, you got vampires not wanting to have sex until married, you got humans getting bitten by vampires and turning instantly like a zombie, you got werewolves looking like Scooby-Doo, you got a watered down PG mess.  Anyway maybe I am not the target audience for these films, maybe the target audience has never seen a vampire film like the writer, maybe I am an asshole, maybe I can’t get past “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, and maybe I don’t like fucking teases. Either way I feel let down, bored and disappointed when these films end.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is a boring bitch and a fucking tease. If you relate to her you are too.

B. Vampires don’t turn instantly.

C. Bella’s friends are shitty.

D. Bella’s mom looks like a country singer.

E. Bella did punch Jacob in the face and broke her hand. I was happy about that.

F. The movie should have been about Rosa Lee, her rape and wedding murder past. Also her name should be Sara Lee.

G.Honestly read this interview with Stephenie Meyer and then throw up. She has never even seen a vampire film, she doesn’t watch rated R movies and has not even read “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”. UGHHHHHH


H. If you give me a wolf bracelet I will laugh in your face.

I. Bella is really horny the whole film.

J. I like Victoria.

K. Edward and Jacob are dumb for loving this boring girl whose mouth hangs open when she doesn’t talk.

L. This whole movie is about protecting Bella from everyone and everything, and about how everyone’s life just stops for this bitch. I would drop this bitch off a cliff and say oops. She is not worth all this trouble. Maybe if she was Raven Symone or the Olsen Twins, that would be worth the fight.

M. I did like it when vampire heads got knocked off.

N. Isn’t Edward’s penis cold? BECAUSE HE IS DEAD! This scene is fuckin stupid.

O. I wonder if there are real vampires, maybe they are all emo cry babies after all, maybe they long for boring white chicks, maybe this movie is true. Maybe I will hate them when I meet them too.

P. My friend Ryan Bellis wanted me to say I watched it with him, and that he loved it.

Q. If you want to watch some good vampire movies here is a list


R. They are all so depressed in this film. Hey Edward it gets better, WHEN YOU START DRAINING THE LIFE OUT OF YOUR HUMAN VICTIMS. Christ live a little.

S. HAHA a vampire driving a fuckin volvo.

T. The should have played this song and killed Bella at the end.

3 thoughts on ““Twilight: Eclipse” or “Don’t have Sex Until You Get Married to a Vampire”- my fuckin review

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