“Field of Dreams” 1989 or “Field of Screams”

Yeah I just watched this movie for the first, I hate Kevin Costner so I avoid his shit like the white (why does everything bad have to be black, white scares me more bitch) plague. The story begin with Kevin Costner playing Kevin Costner. Kevin lives on a farm with a haunted cornfield with his wife and kid, but one scary night he starts hearing demons in the cornfield talking to him. The demons tell him if he builds and altar to satan then someone/something will come. The altar is in the shape of a baseball field for some reason. The local towns folk think Kevin is crazy, but he is not crazy, he is really working for satan. So then he builds the baseball altar and a baseball playing demon named Ray Liotta shows up to play ball with him. Later the demons tell Kevin to go kidnap famous African-American actor James Earl Jones and bring him to the Satanic baseball altar. Now more demons have shown up to play ball and worship satan. In the end the demons take James Earl Jones to “He who walks behind the rows” and Malachai. Satan then blesses Kevin with a visit from his dead father, they play ball together which causes the worst traffic jam the town they live in has ever seen. OK I know nothing about baseball (my dad worked everyday, then got drunk when he wasn’t working, so we didn’t play catch, things were thrown at me but my head caught the things not my hands) so I don’t have any emotional attachment to Americas all-powerful baseball. I do however like the concept of magic, dreams coming true, and fate. I thought it was an interesting horror film, yeah GHOSTS are in it bitch. Kevin Costner bores me to hell and back, maybe if it had Bill Paxton in it I would have liked it more. It was still an interesting watch, I guess if you love baseball then you have something to jerk off to. Go rent your baseball porn you pervert.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I hate you Kevin Costner. You act the same way in every movie you are in, which means you are not acting, you are just being yourself. A BORE.

B. If it was me I would have said this to the ghost baseball players “HEAR ME SPIRITS, YOU ARE NOW IMPRISONED HERE, DOOMED TO PLAY BASEBALL FOR ETERNITY, TRAPPED HERE… IN MY FIELD OF SCREAMS! NOW PLAY BALL DEMONSSSSSSS, THIS IS NOW YOUR HELL, AND YOU WILL PLAY BALL 24 HOURS A DAY FOR MY AMUSEMENT. HAHAHAHA!

C. I am glad his wife didn’t think he was crazy and joined in and was like fuck it. I would have said “Yeah whatever, build that shit”. I hate in film when one significant other doesn’t believe their lickety boo. I mean you are married/dating someone give them the benefit of the doubt. You want to build some shit out in the yard for satan, whatever go ahead as long as it doesn’t interrupt me watching “Glee”.

D. The town they lived in wanted to burn books. haha America.

E. I don’t know shit about baseball so if I had to build a baseball field, it would have looked like a volley ball court, the ghost demons would have been pissed off and eaten my soul.

F. If I saw a ghost in a field I would say this to him “AHHHHHHHH HOLY SHIT A FUCKIN GHOST”, then I would run away.

G. What a weird fuckin movie.

H. I loved the score by James Horner, he is an amazing composer.

I. I think James Earl Jones died at the end.

J. I want a voice to tell me to build something, like a treehouse.

K. I wish the Children of the Corn were in this movie too. “OUTLANDERRRRRRRRR”

L. Tim Burton’s Batman came out the same year this movie did. It was a lot better.

M. OH MY GOD! What if I build a baseball field and my dad comes back to play ball with me. Oh wait, he isn’t dead and I hate baseball. I will just go see the new Tron movie with him instead of all that building shit.

N. OH I did like building stuff out of Lego’s. Does that count.

O. THIS IS THE WORST POSTER EVER. Seriously this poster makes me sick as fuck.

2 thoughts on ““Field of Dreams” 1989 or “Field of Screams”

  1. I have never given two shits about any sport, but I always loved this movie simply because of the same concepts you like: magic, dreams coming true, and fate/destiny. This is honestly the only Kevin Costner movie I’ve ever seen, so I’ve got nothing on his “acting.” To me this movie is just, I dunno, great. I’ve always been weird and liked weird-ass things, and this weird-ass, magical movie is one of them. This review still made me laugh my ass off and I like your spin on it. Hail Satan : )

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s