“Legend of the Guardians” or “Battle of the Hootenanny’s”- my fuckin review

Ok I didn’t get to see this movie in the theatre, but I wanted to. It was directed by Zack Snyder, he directed “Dawn of the Dead”-remake, “300” and “Watchmen”. This will help you understand the tone of “Legend of the Guardians”. So the story starts off with two teen owl brothers who fall out of a tree they live in, and then get kidnapped by two big ass owls that sound like the band “Prodigy”. The two brothers are taken to a shit load of other owls who are all evil and wear metal helmets. One of the brothers is a sell out and joins the bad owls, and the other is forced to sleep at night. It turns out that owls can’t sleep at night cuz that’s when they eat and party, if they do sleep at night, then they get “Moon Blinked” (like being a zombie). Next the good brother escapes and goes and gets help from a shit load of good owls called “The Guardians. The bad owls are doing some fucked up shit with old owl puke that turns into blue electricity (I have no idea what is going on here, but it looked neat). Later the Guardians but on battle gloves (this shit was basically Freddy Krueger Gloves) and then go to shut down these mean owl assholes. Insert a big ass battle scene with owls killing each other. Ok I liked this jam, it was cool seeing owls fly around fighting each other with knives. I feel like I have never seen a movie about owls before, so it kept my attention. I also love stories about brothers, especially if they are fighting each other. This film is PG, but the tone feels serious and not cartoony and cheesy, so I loved that. Animated films from the 70’s and 80’s had a more serious almost scary tone, in the 90’s and 2000’s everything went silly ass Disney. It was nice to see an animated film that was not meant for brain-dead kids (See I didn’t use the word retarded cuz that bitch from “Friends” got yelled at for saying it on “Regis and Kelly”). This movie was smart, fresh (haha fresh) and not goofy as fuck. Let’s put it this way I could give a shit about owls yesterday, but now I feel like I need 2 of them who are brothers in my backyard making out.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Owls are ok.

B. I love brother stories, cuz I don’t have a real brother.

C. The group “Owl City” sang the song they played in the battle training montage. I LOVE BATTLE TRAINING MONTAGES!

D. They had a lot of weird ass owl terminology that I did not understand, but I loved that you had to pay attention to get what the fuck was happening.

E. I wanted to see this movie at the theatre in 3D but my friends Matt Gallo and Kevin Vickery said it looked lame, and I didn’t want to go by myself and get made fun of for being alone in the theatre. SHUT THE FUCK UP! People do that shit, Oh no I do that shit.

F. They never said the word “Hootenanny” in the film. 😦

G. I loved that all the voices sounded English or Australian.

H. There was a lot of brown in this movie.

I. These fucking owls didn’t play, they were killing and stabbing each other with their metal battle claws. Think “300” but with owls.

J. I believe animation should never be dumbed down, kids aren’t stupid. I was not stupid as a kid, films like “Watership Down” and “Secret of Nimh” changed my life. “Little Mermaid” and “Beauty and the Beast” didn’t change shit for me, those movies just sold a lie to little girls making them believe they could grow up and be princess’s, and made little boys come out of the closet. I need my animation to reflect life and be real and shit. If my plates and dishes started singing I would destroy them and pour holy water on the broken screaming pieces.

K. There was a snake babysitter in this film.

L. I want to buy this film now on Blu Ray Bitch.

M. The owls looked real to me, their eyes will rape your soul.

4 thoughts on ““Legend of the Guardians” or “Battle of the Hootenanny’s”- my fuckin review

  1. I do things by myself all the time, even though it does suck. I got looked down on by the staff at The Macaroni Grill earlier this year for dining solo. Then the manager came and checked on me as if I was a child. I went to a Tool concert by myself, and I almost had to go see Jackass 3D by myself. This has nothing to do with the movie or the review. I’m just sayin’ if you want to see any movie don’t let any asshole make fun of you for going alone. Fuck assholes who aren’t lonely.

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