“Black Swan” or “The Scariest Movie This Year”- my fuckin review

Ok I was not super excited about seeing about movie about the ballet and Swan Lake, but my good friend Matt Gallo loved it, and my other friend Kevin Vickery wanted to go see it bad so I went to “Black Swan“. The story is about Natalie Portman who is playing a ballerina and is going to be in the ballet called “Swan Lake” as the white swan. She is all fucked up, her mom is all fucked up and the ballet is all fucked up. The part of the white swan has to also play the flip-mo version know as the Black Swan. That means Natalie has to play  a good swan and a bad swan. She also cries a lot in this movie and is weak and fragile, like a white swan. Do white girls cry a lot? So anyway Meg (Mila Kunis) shows up from “Family Guy” and she is all “Suck his cock” and “Fuck this Shit” and “Let’s do Ecstasy”. Then Later Winona Ryder shows up and is fucking crazy too, I love you Winona Ryder. Natalie’s mom is played by Miss Beaches herself  (I can’t believe I just wrote “Miss Beaches herself”) Barbara Hershey, and she is fuckin crazy too. This movie really is a crazy ass horror movie, and people were jumping in the theatre. There was so much creepy ass gore in it too. They even had some black chicken monster that tried to eat Natalie Portman on stage. I did not expect to be a nervous wreck in this movie, but I was. Here are some words that describe Black Swan. Bloody, gory, drugs, lesbian sex, insane, demons, crying, broken toenails, faces being stabbed and ballet shoes. If you want to see an interesting, creepy ass ballet movie with gory shit in it, then this is for you. I dug it, but it made me a nervous wreck, because of all the weird finger and toenail scenes. Seriously this year has been shit for movies, but this one is good so go see it and be surprised, or turned on, or throw up. My advice is to take a muscle relaxer on the way in, cuz you will be stressed.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Seriously do white girls cry a lot? Natalie Portman cried through the whole movie. Except when she got pissed.

B.  I am scared of the Black Swan.

C. This movie really did make me feel stress and tension.

D. Everyone in this movie did a great job acting in it, I forgot who they were in real life.

E. There were a few times I said “What the fuck?” out loud in the theatre.

F. I hope the Black Swan does not find me.

G. I wish they make a sequel called “Black Swan 2-The Revenge” and Pam Grier was in it as a killer seeking revenge.

H. I really was surprised watching this movie.

I. I do love Winona Ryder,and I am glad she is on film more these days.

J. I don’t think I could ever be white swan.

K. This really was the best horror movie this year. There wasn’t shit else out for horror this year. YES this is a horror movie!

L. Think a bloody version of “Single White Female” meets “Showgirls” meets “The Fly” meets “Swan Lake”.

M. Here is the original poster.

N. OMG BLACK SWAN FOUND ME. AHHHHHHHHHH

O. My good friends made this fake Black Swan trailer. Watch it is funny as hell.

P. The latest poster.

4 thoughts on ““Black Swan” or “The Scariest Movie This Year”- my fuckin review

  1. Most people found this movie to be frightening and frantic. I, on the other hand, found it to be calming and comforting, exquisite and exhilarating.

  2. This film was crap. In some places it was so poor it was comedic in nature. The part where Winona sticks the nail file in her cheeks, the masturbation scene – rolling round to her Mum – cringe, the metamorphism. This film was trying way too hard. It had no substance and was made purely for titillation which is the whole premise of the film. I was laughing at the sheer tackiness. Natalie Portmans character was fragile and insipid which made the fate of her character was the best part of the film. This film was trying to be arty farty – epic fail !

  3. Saw this movie last night. Eddie R, you’re right it IS a horror movie. And i think it’s pretty funny they haven’t really marketed as such, so all these old ladies are buying tickets thinking they’re going to a ballet movie. Hahaha. Overall, i thought it was good… but honestly all i could think of the whole time was that Natalie Portman just needed to eat a fucking cheeseburger! Seriously, nothing makes me more sane than some juicy red meat running through my veins. Overall, her character annoyed the shit out of me. I don’t have much tolerance for skinny, weak, whiny bitches who cry a lot. I was happy to see her die at the end.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s