“Salt” or “Angelina Jo-Lips Dyes Her Hair Black”- my fuckin review

I have no idea why I just watched this movie, I guess I wanted to be open-minded. Which was a terrible mistake. Ok so Angelina Jo-Lips has a blonde wig on and works for the CIA. She is married to some russian dude, and her boss is Cotton Weary from the movie “Scream 2”. Then this old Russian dude comes in and says “Hey Jo-Lips you are a Russian sleeper agent this whole time”. Then she goes apes shit and fights the CIA to get out of their office. She is trying to get to her husband, so instead of asking the CIA (where she has worked for years and years) for help, she goes on mad dash to get to her apartment. Along the way she causes car accidents and shoots at her fellow agents. Then she dyes her hair black, looks for fellow sleeper agents, and goes after the President of the United States. This movie makes no sense to me, and apparently Russia has been training a shit load of sleeper agents to take down the USA and the President. This is all shit to me, including all of Jo-Lips shitty ass wigs that are supposed to be her real hair. Cotton Weary is nasty. This movie is just generic rip off spy action. If you want to watch a cool spy chick who is whipping ass to a funky beat then go rent the first 2 season of the TV show “Alias”.  Anyway this movie made no sense to me and was just too much. Unless you want to see Angelina Jolie playing herself with a new wig, then skip it. She should just stick to corralling kids from other countries, or play a monster with swollen lips.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Angelina your lips should have their own film, that would have been a better movie.

B. Russians are nice people.

C. Angelina looks better with a black eye.

D. The first 2 seasons of “Alias” were really well written, and kept you guessing. The only thing I guessed about in this film was where Jo-Lips got her wigs.

E. At one point Jo-lips is dressed as a man and is able to get into the white house. Give me a fuckin break, she looked weird and obvious.

F. I hate you Cotton Weary.

G. I wish this movie was about the rap group SALT-N- PEPA, and they were the spies. They would rap as they fought their way into the White House. Now that would be a fucking good movie. Watch this video to get the feel of it. In fact this music video is better than the entire movie “Salt”

H. Angelina Jolie you bore me. Those lips were made for one thing only and it ain’t for talking.

I. One Russian spy can cripple the CIA, FBI and the White House. HAHA Shut the fuck up!

J. This movie really is all over the god damn place. They should have just focused on how to make the best wigs, or a film about shitty wigs in the USA.

K. If I was Russian I would protest this film and all Jo-Lips movies. Angelina you gave Russia a bad name. If anyone is Russian reading this review just call me I will go hold up a sign with you in front of her house.

5 responses to ““Salt” or “Angelina Jo-Lips Dyes Her Hair Black”- my fuckin review

  1. I concur with point G and really appreciate the perverted undertone of point H. And yes, most of her movies seem pretty predictable and unremarkable. However, I really did enjoy Changeling. I heard a morning radio DJ say that he didn’t understand why that movie had that title, that it didn’t even make sense or pertain to the movie. I hope that he is wiped out by natural selection, and soon. And Gia was good. Just sayin’.

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