“Sucker Punch” or “Titty Punch”- my fuckin review

Ok let me say first that I like director Zack Snyder (Dawn of the Dead, 300, Watchmen, Sucker Punch), his films are violent, shot well, and have a lot of cursing in them. This Story starts off with a music video to “Sweet Dreams” with the main girl “Baby Doll”, who is a 20-year-old that still tries to wear pig tails to look 12. Baby Doll’s mother has died and now Baby Doll and her sister are left alone with their step dad who is a rapist and pedophile. In an attempt to stop her step dad from raping her little sister she shoots her little sister. Learn to aim bitch he was right in front of you. Now Baby Doll is sent to a mental hospital called “Lennox Mall”, where she is put on a table to be lobotomized. This is where the story really begins, when she retreats inside her head, which is some sort of burlesque prison for half-naked girls that are all about to be raped by all the guards. I don’t know about you but when I retreat into my head I am on a fuckin beach with wind and peace. Anyway back to the rape den fantasy retreat, in this world Baby Doll is a dancer (we never actually see her dance, so I assume she can’t dance in real life, or all she can do is the “The Cabbage Patch” move) and every time she dances she retreats even further into her mind to a fucked up video game world. Yeah, it looked like I was playing a video game that I couldn’t control, ya know like it was only one player and your best friend Matt G. had the controls for 2 hours. In this fight world she would team up with the other half-naked dancers and they would do cart wheels and shit. Then they would shoot at things (not  at people, shooting at people gets you a rated “R”, so they would shoot at like monsters and robots and shit) until they achieved some tasks that Scott Glenn (Wise Man) gave Baby Doll and the other Sailer Strippers. This “Wise Man” role was probably given to David Carradine but then they realized he was dead in real life. The point of the film I guess was to achieve these tasks and then they shall be free, mentally and physically, oh and also try not to get raped because you are walking around half-naked in front of rapists. I don’t cut myself all up and jump into a shark pit and hope for the fuckin best, those mother fuckers will eat me bitch. That’s just stupid. In the end Vanessa Hudgens is no help at all, and they do some more shit. This movie was just OK for me, the dialogue was boring, sloppy and confusing. The only character the characters had were their sexy costumes. The fight scenes were all a video game. Scott Glenn’s wisdom sounded like it was coming from a drunk version of David Carradine. PG 13 violence and no cursing pissed me off. The soundtrack was cute. This is Zack Snyder’s worst film. So if you want to see Burlesque the video game without robo Cher in it, or if you are big fat white man who is a pervert and likes to see 20-year-old girls in school girl uniforms prance around half-naked then this film is for you. So far this year is a let down for films.

The Trailer: This trailer makes it look more exciting than it really was.

The Facts:

A. I wish this was how Paula Abdul became a dancer.

B. You are 20 years old lose that school girl look or else you will get molested. PS get ready to see this costume on every chick this Halloween and at Dragon Con. They will think they are being original but will run into 50 different other girls wearing it. Yes go to any Halloween costume store, the only costumes for girls are slutty ones, don’t blame the store, that is what sells the most. Women be inventive and smart, you don’t have to dress like a HO this Halloween.

C. They did play Bjork “Army of me” in it. I do like that song. In fact the movie should have just been this music video.

D. They all had stripper names, “Baby Doll”, “Sweet Pea”, “Rocket”, and “Blondie”. I told Matt G. his name would have been “Boom Boom”.

E. Here is a shot from one of the video game scenes. I should have waited to just play the video game version of the film.

F. Somehow I bet this movie was going to be rated “R”, then was cleaned up so the kiddies could watch it and pick their favorite stripper to be. I bet there will be an “Unrated version” on DVD.

G. Here is a picture of Sailer Baby Doll Moon and the Sailer Strippers.

H. This movie was original but it was all over the place, it was like a bad mash-up song. Some songs don’t mash well.

I. This movie takes place in 1955.

J. I wish they would have just went on a rapist killing spree in the mental hospital taking revenge on shitty men. Just wearing their dirty hospital clothing.

K. Here is the way Baby Doll really danced.

L. I felt like I was in “Inception” with this retreat within your head 2 times shit.

M. There were no Titty’s injured during the making of this movie.

N. I would rather had scene Janet Jackson, Madonna, Lady Ga Ga, Paul Abdul, and Beyonce in this film doing cartwheels half-naked, or just Raven-Symoné.

O. Here is the poster bitch.

One response to ““Sucker Punch” or “Titty Punch”- my fuckin review

  1. My friend Pat made me watch this, and throughout the whole thing he kept chanting about rape, rape, rape. And I was like, “There hasn’t been one fucking rape scene this whole time. These women should be raping and then killing all these men! There are not enough women rapists in movies! This should have been it!” So, I concur with fact J. Now I’m gonna go rape someone….not : )

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