“Narnia 3: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” or “I am Allergic to Aslan”- my fuckin review

I finally got to see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader tonight and I really wanted to see it at the theatre but didn’t get a chance to because everyone I know hates Aslan. Anyway the story starts off back on earth and the older kids (Peter Pevensie and Susan Pevensie) are living in America, while Edmund Pevensie and Lucy Pevensie are left behind in England to stay with their annoying shit head cousin Eustace (who looks like a girl). Eustace hates Edmund and Lucy and wants them to die, so they get into an argument and stare into this ocean painting until the painting floods them into Narnia. Now Edmund, Lucy and Eustace are saved by King Caspian who is driving the boat called THE DAWN TREADER and they have only been gone 3 years in Narnia time. Also the talking rat is back and a pissed off buffalo. Now they set their sails for adventure to find seven swords that are supposed to do something but they end up getting captured and sold as slaves to pedifiles. Don’t worry they get away before any of them get molested, but now they have bigger issues to deal with. Lucy now has body dysmorphic disorder, and thinks that she is ugly and wants to look like her older sister who is hotter. Edmund is now old enough to be horny and struggles with being bisexual. He and King Caspian fight over who gets to hold Peter’s sword, eventually Edmund is hornier and wins. Later King Caspian and Edmund meet this chick who used to be star (the shooting kind) and they both want to bone her. Turns out she is a lesbian and says fuck you bisexuals and splits. Wait, don’t forget about Eustace, his ass has now been turned into a dragon, and the rat and him become lovers. In the end they fight this big ass sea demon, Peter, Susan and The White Witch make cameos, and Aslan tells the kids they can never come back to Narnia again cuz they iz too old. The rat decides he wants to go to Aslan’s country which I think is supposed to be heaven or hell. The kids hug Aslan and to go back to the real world to find earths version of Aslan, which is either Jesus or Justin Bieber. Ok so fuck it I like these movies Aslan (god) damn it. I like talking fucking animals, I like crazy lands, I like magic and shit. Call me a bitch if you will, but I still believe in magic, and I want to go to Narnia and fuck shit up. This movie is fun, but not as good as the first one but it was still sad at the end cuz now the kids are grown up and have to go back to shitty earth. Anyway if you liked the first two Narnia’s then you will dig this one too. If you are an old bitch who doesn’t believe in magic anymore, and couldn’t get past “The Goonies” because that was “Your Childhood” and now you are going to hate everything new that comes out cuz that shit wasn’t made before the year 2000. Then go yank your chicken noodle to “The Last Unicorn” and dream about being 10 again so you can remember what being happy was like for your cold dead heart. Also there is treasure.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. When Lucy hugged Aslan I literally sneezed thinking about how allergic I am to Jesus, Oops I mean Aslan.

B. King Caspian is 30 years old. Edmund is 20 years old. Lucy is 16 years old. In case you were wondering.

C. Eustace was annoying as a human, and cool as a dragon. Here is the dragon boy and the rat in love.

D. King Caspian is too old to be hanging out with a 16-year-old girl.

E. Here is a pic of what Edmund (Skandar Keynes) and Lucy (Georgie Henley) look like now.

F.  The water was pretty, I think it was all CGI, but it was pretty.

G. Liam Neeson is still Aslan.

H. Tilda Swinton is still The White Witch.

I. Here is the whole Posse on the beach.

J. I want to ride that boat with their asses and eat limes so I don’t get scurvy.

K. Here is Lucy drunk at the premiere.

L. They played this song in the end credits.

M. I wish Aslan would claw someones fuckin eyes out in this movie.

N. The score was a little generic sounding and not very memorable unlike the first two films scores. Yes, it was a different composer for part 3 named David Arnold. He is most none for doing the scores to these bond films The World Is Not EnoughTomorrow Never Dies.

O. The action scenes were also a little generic as well, except for the sea demon scene.

P. I like English accents in film. Except for Russell Brand he is dumb and has shitty hair.

Q. Eustace played by a girl.

R. The funny part is that I believe in that dragon more than I do organized religion. I guess religion is just a sad form of magic.

S. Here is me if I was Aslan.

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