“Frozen” or “Your Pecker Will Break Off” – my fuckin review

WARNING! You must listen to this song while you read this review.

Ok I finally got to see “Frozen” the other night with Kevin V., and I was told that it was fucked up (the butt haha). Anyway so the movie starts off with these 2 dudes (Shawn Ashmore and Kevin Zegers) and one chick (Emma Bell), and they are all going snow skiing on a big ass mountain. The 2 dudes are best friends and one of the dudes is dating the chick. She can not ski well and invited herself on the trip or some shit, so they have to do the bunny slopes with her ass all day. Then at the last minute they want to do one last run at night, and they are also the last group going up on the ski lift. Then the ski lift operator has to piss and swaps with some other dude, and he leaves cuz he doesn’t get paid enough to watch rich white people ski all day. He cuts the lift off and leaves.  Now are 3 way is stuck up high as fuck on the ski lift and it’s freezing. They are fucked. They are freaking out and I would be too. They have to fight frost bite, wolves and their bladders while they are trapped in a fuckin chair on a ski lift. This movie stressed me the fuck out. They were just so fucked, and I am scared of heights and being trapped. Fuck going skiing I aint trying to end up like Sonny Bono and slam into a tree while skiing. I will look at that snow mountain but I ain’t climbing that bitch. Also wolves are bitches and will eat you. So if you liked “Open Water“, snow, girls peeing on themselves, hands frozen to metal, wolves, or pink coats then this movie is for you. I liked it, and it made me nervous. I will never go snow skiing!

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Iceman has been type casted. Shawn Ashmore is always playing in the snow in movies.

B. If you are trapped on a ski lift, then tie your clothes together to make a rope and climb your ass down fat bitches.

C. Fuck what you heard, I will pee off a ski lift if I am trapped on it.

D. They should have had their faces covered the whole time to fight the cold off. You would think I was a fuckin pile of clothes on that ski lift.

E. Here is the 3 way on the way up that bitch. In my movie they would have all made out together to keep warm. There dialogue did make sense though.

F. Movies that I call “No Option Films” make me a nervous wreck. Like the movie “Open Water ” with the sharks, they were just fucked. WHAT CAN YOU DO? Not god damn thing. In “Frozen” they can jump a hundred fuckin feet down, wait the week out for someone to come help, or climb up on the razor-sharp cable. YOU ARE FUCKED.

G. Even if you were able to get down on the ground you got pissed off wolves to fight also. People wonder why I carry a pocket knife. BITCH I might have to stab a wolf on Ponce and Boulevard.

H. I do not want my skin to fall off from frost bite. Fuck that!

I. She pissed in her pants. They showed a close up. haha

J. I really was nervous the whole movie.

K. Sometime you gotta a crawl 50 miles to get help.

L. Never leave your cell phone. It’s 2011, you need to be holding that shit while you have sex, sleep, take a bath, etc.

M. Cut up hands make me nervous.

N. I can’t even ride the fuckin sky buckets at Six Flags.

O. I pray my penis never gets frost-bitten and falls off.

P. Someone jumped off the ski lift and when they did I sang Katy Perry‘s song “Fireworks” as they fell. “Cause baby, you’re a fire work…..”

P. Kevin Zegers was in all the “Air Bud” movies.

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