“I Am Number 4” or “I Went Number 2 In The Toilet”- my fuckin review

Ok I wanted to see “I Am Number Four” in the theatre but nobody wanted to go. So me and James F. rented and watched this movie and here is the fuckin review. OK the movie starts off with 2 dudes running through the jungle being chased by some monster bat thing. They don’t make it. Then it cuts to some hunky alien surfer dude (Alex Pettyfer) and he is aware of the other 2 dudes dying, because they are all aliens who came from a planet of hot models. So the alien surfer dude goes to his fake dad or protector, who was the killer Mickey in “Scream 2” and they go on the run to some small backwoods town, where jocks are mean. Are jocks really that mean all the fucking time? Then we find out the alien surfer dude is also bisexual and wants to bang Quinn Fabray (Dianna Agron) from “Glee, and some nerdy dude (Callan McAuliffe). It ain’t gay in a 3 way.  Later alien surfer dude goes on a haunted hay ride with Quinn, and they are in love in one fuckin day. Give me a break, I have known people for years and I still don’t love those assholes. The bad aliens guys finally show and they look like a The Star Trek Romulan Mafia. I do not like the bad guys they are lame. So the alien surfer dude has started to develop powers, basically his hands turn into flashlights and he can jump around. It turns out he is number 4 out of 7 aliens that have come to earth to hide and develop their powers. In the end Number 6 (Teresa Palmer) shows up to help and she is also a hot model that can teleport and fight. I just read that this movie did not make enough so they will not be making a sequel. Now we will never know who the other aliens are. This movie was just ok for me, I liked the fight scenes but they were basically at the end of the movie. I wish they whole movie would have been alien cart wheels and shit. It probably would have been cooler as a TV series, that kept building as it went along. So if you are into hot model aliens, boring characters, bad guys that are lame, cart wheels and light up hand jobs then this movie is for you.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. His hands should have turned into fleshlights and not flashlights. If you don’t know what a fleshlight is then look it up, I ain’t yo pimp.

B. Timothy Olyphant‘s hair looked like shit.

C. The hot alien girl said “Red Bull is for pussies”. True.

D. I really felt like they were going to have a 3 way at one point. Maybe I was just hoping they would.

E. Fuck that Star Trek Romulan Mafia. They were lame.

F. There was also a CGI space dog.

G. The Director was D.J. Caruso. He did some other shit I have not seen.

H. Here is number 4 for all you gals and queens.

I. Here is number 7 for you guys and lesbians.

J. I did enjoy the last 20 minutes, when they were fighting and their was cool cart wheels and shit.

K. Here is a pic of number 6 in a stereotypical action shot, the “Walking away from explosion but too cool to notice” shot.

L. I wish I was a hot model alien.

M. Callan McAuliffe played the nerdy guy who wanted the alien surfer dudes pecker. Here they are about to kiss.

N. The Star Trek Romulan Mafia sucked.

O. This looks like an ad for jeans.

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