“X-Men: First Class” or “X-Men: Beast Has A Blue Dick” -my fuckin review

I just watched “X-Men: First Class” with Kevin Vickery, Max Fisher, and Sky. Ok so here is the plot, it’s the 60’s and the X-Men aren’t X-men yet, they are just trying to get their shit together and make out. Charles Xavier and Mystique are best friends (they do not have sex together) and later they meet up with Magneto at yacht party (they do not have a 3 way).  Magneto is pissed off at Kevin Bacon and the Nazi’s, and he is over being nice and wants revenge. Later Charles and Magneto become best friends and start recruiting other mutants to be friends with so they can start a new gang. Then they all decide to work for John F. Kennedy to fight communism, Russians and Kevin Bacon. Along the way they learn about how to accept themselves in a world that is mutant racist. There is this cool bad chick who turns into diamonds, but her real mutant power is how to shop for the most fashionable white outfits I have ever seen. Ok so I love this movie, I thought the acting was great and it totally flowed for me. I loved how Charles and Magneto are best friends, even though they view the world differently, and even have a scene where they cry together. I loved that, it felt honest to me. I also loved the supporting cast and how they acted like they were on the set of a really cool episode of MTV’s Real Word. Magneto really stole the show, and Michael Fassbender was great as that character. Hell I would have joined his team. Anyway it is a fun and entertaining movie that has an amazing 60’s backdrop. Go see this jam and wish you were an X-Men (well I would be a bad guy). I hope part 2 takes place in the 70’s and they own a disco club. So if you love super powers, not fitting in, the 60’s, Kevin Bacon, go-go dancers,  and JFK then this movie is for you. Is it the best super movie ever made? I really liked “Spider-Man 2” and “Superman” and “The Dark Knight“, but it is up there with them for sure. You will totally dig it. Well maybe, I don’t know much about the comic books so I don’t know if that shit matched up with the books or not.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Magneto is bad ass. Michael Fassbender played him and he was awesome. I would want to be him the most.

B. Emma Frost (January Jones, yeah that is her real name, What the fuck she is a real life James Bond character) name should have been called the Diamon-nator. Look at her fuckin amazing X-Men outfit powers.

C. This  movie was directed by Matthew Vaughn (Kick-Ass).

D. OMG there was a spilt screen montage at one point and I almost passed out it was so amazing.

E. Bryan Singer who directed the first 2 “X-Men” movies produced this one and helped with the story. I feel like that is why it made more sense to me.

F. I love this scene and their 60’s wardrobe.

G. James McAvoy as Professor X was tight as fuck.

H. Nicholas Hoult who was in the British version of the TV show “Skins“, he was amazing in that show and in this movie as Beast.

I. Here is a picture of X-Men: Sketchy Class. Me, Max F., Kevin V., and Sky.

J. I love Russia.

K. The score was just ok for me, nothing that memorable.

L. I wish Mystique‘s name was “Blue Snatch”.

M. I was scared when Satan showed up in this movie.

N. There were 2 cameos that tied the other X-Men movies together with this one more.

O. Ummmm they had go-go Dancers.

P. I wonder if there is an X-Men porno called XXX-Men. OMFG if you type in X-Men Porn on google, all this X-Men cartoon porn comes up. hahaha

Q. Is Beasts penis blue?

R. IN A SURPRISE TWIST!!!! This year I will occasionally get another opinion for you. That’s right I will ask someone else who watches the film with me to write a short review about what they think about the movie. Meet my good friend Max Fisher and here is his review. Here is what he thought about it in the red. I might even start to film me plus others doing special reviews 🙂

‘X-Men: First Class’ or ‘Case of the X

This movie was like a sexual encounter with a mutant. At first it seems like a really really good idea. They’re hot, they’re young, they have awesome powers and you get to brag to all your friends that you banged a genetic freak. Then you start going at it and the reality sets in:  What if fireballs come out of their mouth while we’re making out? What if a flaming hula hoop appears while we’re hugging? What if they turn into diamonds in the middle of coitus and my dick gets sliced off? Not a pretty picture. Then the whole encounter turns into a mess of emotions and insecurities, and not that much action– aka X-Men: First Class. 

 This franchise in general is like a an abusive ex that keeps sucking you back in for more. “I’ve changed, I swear!” They say. But it’s the same old story– now set in the swinging ’60s! Ooh, vintage underwear! Ooh, the Cuban missile crisis! They even managed to get Betty Draper to play her horrible self. 

 The sexual tension between young Xavier and Magneto is interesting for a few scenes, but then gets lost in the multitude of plot-lines, continuity issues and ludicrous cameos. My advice is to get out of this destructive relationship and wait until Marvel gets the rights back so they can make a proper reboot.

3 thoughts on ““X-Men: First Class” or “X-Men: Beast Has A Blue Dick” -my fuckin review

  1. I agree that the wardrobe was amazing and will be modeling my outfits for the rest of my life after Beast’s, if I’m not already doing that. And fuck January Jones.

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