“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” or “FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY”- my fuckin review

OK I got to see “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” tonight with Kevin V., Jason S. and Heidi S. and here is my review. Let me first start off by saying two things. I love the Transformers (the toys, concept, and cartoons) and I hate Michael Bay, NO I literally hate him. He is the only Director in Hollywood that I hate throughout the history of film. If you now have the nerve to sit there and tell me “hate is a strong word” then I will show you how strong a fist feels over the word “hate”. So I go see these movies in the hopes that they will get better and that maybe as a Director he will learn from his mistakes. Maybe I am biased, but yet not. That being said the movie starts off with a bunch of space shit about the original moon landing where the real Buzz Aldrin (yes, the real Buzz Aldrin) finds transformers on it. Then Shia LaBeouf shows up with a new girlfriend named Carly, who is Victoria Secrets model in real life (that’s right Michael Bay cast a Victoria Secret model). Now Shia has new issues to deal with in this film, he can’t find a job. Issues we could give a shit less about but they sure do harp on them a lot. His goofy parents show back up for a joke or two.  Then Insert human characters with pointless dialogue, like Josh Duhamel who just stands around in military clothes and I assume he got a promotion. John Turturro is back playing one of the worst characters every created for cinema and they show some transformers who are trying to kill Chicago (the city). In the end humans are helping the Decepticons destroy the earth for some reason and the Transformers are back seated for this amazing nonexistent storyline. This movie makes no sense at all, yeah I know neither did the previous ones, but I had hoped for some cooler action scenes this time at least. They were all forgettable. The score was the worst that Steve Jablonsky has done so far and half the time it sounded like a fuckin sit-com. The transformers themselves basically had no dialogue, and they even expected us to be sad when they kill a character off they only showed fucking one time. This movie is more disappointing to me than the last two; it is an incoherent action mess. I am angry and let down. Michael Bay you are the worst Director on the planet, and this has nothing to do with Transformers. You do not believe in your films, so how the fuck are we supposed to believe in them. There is even a fucking scene where the fucking Victoria Secret model makes Megatron (the leader of the Decepticons-the bad guys) jealous of this character called Sentinel Prime. A FUCKIN DUMB ASS HUMAN WHITE GIRL JUST WALKS UP TO THE MEGA BAD GUY OF THE UNIVERSE AND SHE JUST FUCKIN CHATS WITH HIM AND MAKES HIM JEALOUS. I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The lines are forgettable, the score is forgettable, there is no story to forget, and the characters are trash. I didn’t expect much going in and I got less. I hope that at least the Transformers would’ve had some cool transformation fight scenes, but they were all a blur. The Transformer films had so much potential as going down in history as science fiction classics, but they are just a joke. A big fucking joke.  So if you like Michael Bay, then you should stop reading any of my reviews from here on out, because you do not love or respect film at all. I am sad tonight, fuckin sad. 😦 Thanks Michael Bay, I pray I never meet your lame douchey fuckin ass, you sexist, racist ass mother fucker. Oh yeah the robots looked real. As I write this I watched the 1986 animated movie and marvel at it’s beauty.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Megatron hates Abraham Lincoln for some reason in the movie and blows up the statue. This makes no sense to me.

B. The title for this film is fucking stupid. We get it you like Pink Floyd, but Pink Floyd hates you. I mean honestly who in the fuck approved this fucking title. It is a disgrace to film. I hate it.

C. Shia LaBeouf is forgettable at best in this film, and literally looks greasy the entire movie.

D. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley plays Carly, who in the cartoon, this is the character Sam will eventually marry. She is a piece of shit, yeah we get it she is pretty, but why not pick a pretty fuckin actress not a fuckin Victoria Secret model. She is a block of fucking wood that needs to be burned.

E. John Turturro is a piece of shit in this movie and in the 2 previous films. I never want to watch any film that you are in ever again, or even talk to you as a person in real love because you sucked that bad.

F. Ken Jeong is the only character that matters in this movie, and he is only in it for 5 minutes and it still didn’t make sense, but at least he is funny. I heard he makes up his own shit so that is probably why it was good. He should have been the star. Ken you are a real star.

G. Bill O’Reilly is in this movie. This is stupid and forced. Enough said about that shit.

H. Leonard Nimoy played the voice of Sentinel Prime in this movie. Michael Bay likes to throw Transformers fans a bone sometimes (Leonard Nimoy played Galvatron in the animated Transformers movie). PS they barely showed this character transform. Hey Michael, the movie is called “Transformers” you fuckin shit ass.

I. Frank Welker (who did the voice for the original Megatron in the cartoon and has done hundreds of voice overs, he is brilliant) did the voice for Shockwave and Soundwave in this movie. I think they had one line a piece. THANKS ASSHOLES. Also in the cartoon Shockwave and Soundwave were bad asses, and in this they are forgettable trash cans.

J. Chicago gets flattened in this movie. Oprah Winfrey, Roger Ebert and my good friend John Paul are probably dead underneath a robot that had no dialogue and looked like 50 other robots.

K. The Victoria Secret Model had high heels on during a huge hour-long battle scene in Chicago, where she is in a building falling over and shit, and somehow has high heels on still. This is stupid.

L. I am empty tonight. I am disappointed in film and the film industry.

M. There is so much wrong with this movie I just don’t know what else to say. I wish someone could understand my disappointment right now.

N. If Michael Bay was laying in the street hurt and bleeding, I would step over him and keep walking and say “Maybe there will be a Victoria Secret model coming soon to help you, BITCH”. Then I would laugh. PS I did not make this picture, there are hundreds of these kinds of pictures of him on the internet.

O. This shitty song is played in the film and it so forced I almost threw up, and Kevin V. did throw up. It is after a Decepticon attack where I think humans were hurt. The only emotion you got out of me here was fuckin laughter. The entire “Rock” soundtrack is also shit, it is like a 50-year-old man said “Let’s use generic heavy metal rock, because the robots are literally heavy metal, Oh my God I am so brilliant”. Way to think outside the box shit head mother fucking asshole.

P. I had hoped the score for this film would have had some fun stuff in it, but it did not, hell even Transformers 2 had memorable score. Steve Jablonsky you have failed in this movie.

Q. There is even some big cool looking transformer that we never see transform, it is in robot mode in the background. I guess it might turn into a truck. You fucked up.

R. How hard is to make this movie cool and write dialogue that makes sense and is witty? Honestly, aren’t there people around the Director that say “Hey, this is not funny, or witty, or memorable, and the acting sucks”.

S. I feel sick today. I wouldn’t throw my trash in you Michael Bay.

T. This scene in the cartoon movie is better than the whole movie I just sat through.

U. This movie will make millions and millions, and Michael Bay will sit somewhere and say he is a great director because of the money, but let me tell you something bitch. People would go see Transformers if fucking CARROT TOP would have directed it. YOUR NAME ON IT DON’T MEAN SHIT. It says Transformers and that’s why people are there, at best Michael Bay is Transformers bitch. That’s right Bay. Don’t believe me? Pick anyone to direct part 4 you bitch.

V. If you think I am one of those people who bitch about their childhood being ruined, I am not. I am one of those people who thinks Michael Bay wipes his ass with film. My childhood was ruined while it was happening bitch.

X. Hey Michael, don’t you ever wonder why so many people hate you as a director? Even before directing Transformers. I have never heard so many people talking about hating someone so much in my life. Think about it. There is a fuckin reason! Kill yourself.

Y. A goddamn Victoria Secret model in a lead role. FUCKKKKK.

Z. Just so you know I am pretty forgiving. I own the first 2 Transformers movies, I will not own this one 😦

AA. The sad part of this whole review is that if Michael Bay actually ever reads this he would like it. He is that much of a douche bag.

BB. If you think his camera work made you sick before wait until you see that shit in 3D. It will make you have a fuckin seizure.

CC. Here is more proof that he is shit and has actually recycled footage from an older film he did called “The Island“. He uses that footage from that film in the new Transformers movie.

CC. I guess I should just shut up now and go throw up. I really tried to give it a chance, but now I will go throw up. MICHAEL BAY you are a trash can that I would not throw my trash away in.

32 responses to ““Transformers: Dark of the Moon” or “FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY”- my fuckin review

  1. I completely agree with all of your points. I left that shity theater after Megatron was going to get killed. And I’m sure your right, he will sit around like a fat ass laughing cuz he thinks he thinks he is this great director when he just fucked up another “could have been great movie.”

  2. i will not go see this movie because michael bay is not a real person. he is a human shitdick and if you let him in he will fuck your mind with filmturds. you will never wash the turd tracks off. i hate whatever it is at the core of him that allows him to inflict this shit on the human race.

    PS. it’s probably undigested corn.

    PPS. i love you.

  3. HIGHLY DISAGREE…Michael Bay has made the BEST Transformer movie HE could make..If I want a story where every character is given a ton of development id watch Beast Wars. Yes the movies could be better. Michael Bay did a decent job. I thank him for allowing the public to see how great the war between the bots and cons can be. Im excited to see what the future holds for the movie verse

    • Learn to not be a trash can and not disrespect me, the audience, the transformers, and hell even the unwanted popcorn on the floor. He shits on 2 things I love so fuck him. Don’t be mad at me, be mad at him. Also hate makes the world go round not love hahha

  4. Jesus Christ. I almost never leave comments on blog posts but I couldn’t help but say, THANK YOU. I’d like to think that I’m a pretty forgiving guy myself and gave this a chance even after hating the first two. You have no idea how pissed off I was after flushing down time and money for this movie. This is something I would not even waste bandwidth for when the pirated version comes out on torrent sites. I even unfriended 10 friends on Facebook for recommending this movie. What is up with Americans and their horrible taste in movies? It’s mind boggling.

  5. I SO AGREE WITH YOU! THIS WHOLE FILM IS SHIT! I ONLY GO FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER. OK SO MY BRO IS LIKE 6 YEARS OLD, AND IT’S A MOVIE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR KIDS..HOW CAN THERE BE FUCKING SLUTTY SCENES WITH THAT NEW SLUT WHO CAN’T ACT SHITTY BUT ALL SHE NEEDS TO DO IS ACT SLUTTY…I PREFER MEGAN FOX RATHER THAN THAT VICTORIA SECRET SLUT. OMG STOP WITH THE FLIRTY AND LIFE ACT..I JUST WANNA SEE MORE ABOUT TRANSFORMERS, NOT THE FUCKEN HUMAN LOSERS…I had to cover my bro eyes everytime that chick makes the moves. AND THEY HAD TO FUCKEN START WITH THE CHICK BEING HALF NAKED…SO NOW MY BRO KNEW, THEY HAD SEX..FUCK IT I had to lie to my bro…DISGUSTING MOVIE…I like the first ep…now IT SUCK

  6. Wow, I think that for someone that loves film so much and is so educated WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR FILMS? What movies have you Directed, Written, Produced, Editied? I hate people that talk a whole lotta shit and cant back it up with work that they have done. So when you make a movie then maybe you could talk some shit. Until then you are just someone sitting on the sidelines wishing that you had the oppourtunity to create something that a mass audience will see. Plus you still paid for the movies so MIKE BAY RAPPED YOU AND YOU ASKED FOR IT WILLINGLY.

    • HAHA I do love films, direct films, edit films, work at a TV Network, write for magazines, do voice overs, etc. etc. etc. So now by “your rules” am now allowed to talk a lot of shit? I have not been on the sidelines since I was 10 years old and I go see his films because I am opening minded and I keep trying to give him a chance. Unfortunately he is a fucking trash can, and yes I am a fool for giving him my money, but I know part of the money goes to Hasbro so that makes me feel better. I will not give him any more of my money in the future. Haha Awesome job on calling the wrong guy out though Haha I assume you must work in film and or TV too and I hope you are doing well, I hate they you took up for Michael Bay though he really is a disgrace to filmmakers. Thanks for reading though.

  7. Wow. Joseph Daniel Anthony Charafi did an excellent job of taking a look at this entire blogsite and grasping the overall tone and concept of it. Perhaps for an encore he’ll suck his own dick.

  8. He is lucky I wish I could suck my own dick. Hahaha I really do love film and would fight for it and I have bleed, cried and worked all day and night out in the hot sun for it.

  9. I’ve just seen it and feel like crying.. you are soooo right. especially about that fuckin carly-megatron scene… even if buy that shit, why wouldn’t he kill her?
    and WTF, the end was the worst part – Megatron saves Optimus’s life, and Optimus kill him???? that so not him. I am realy surprised that Peter Cullen agreed to do this movie. i know he has deep respect to the character and that scene was an embarrassment an an offence to the fans.

    one thing though. it shows that you are a big transformers G1 fan. and I am almost sure there was a scene in the cartoon that megatron throws Abraham Lincolns’ statue and sits and smiles or something. check it out. maybe I’m wrong but i dont think so.
    other than that you are 100% right.

  10. another thing. its like the movie was edited in like.. one day. some dumbass scene were 10 minutes long which is just too much. and then there were these parts that it seemed like something was cut away. like when optimus got his trailer gear back after separating from it. and how the autobots got themselves captures as decepticons prisoners.
    and another thing. does anybody know what was this movie’s target audience? was the model in her panties for children like the plot was? or maybe the G1 fans who always wanted to see iron hide megatron and starsceam do almost nothing and then die? cause i do believe there aren’t any.

  11. I love this post. I agree with everything and I never seen the film. he ruined the horror films as well. such as Friday the 13th and A nightmare on elmstreet. I MEAN SERIOUSLY! COME ON!!! Tina, Rod (or rob not sure.) we’re the original yet he comes in and changes their name to Jessie and Chris. plus who is quinten? The only characters I knew where Tina, Rod and Glenn. and Freddy should have been Robert Englund.

  12. Muthafukka you nailed it. Your review systematically disembowels the rectum-skinned turdcan named michael bay. Honestly, I think he knows what he is doing, I think he is doing it on purpose as a sort of statement on how moronic people have become. He intentionally makes shit out of good intellectual property just to prove people will eat shit and pay for it with a smile. I tried to stop the process in 2007. I saw the first film, and vowed never again to watch a single film that Bay shits out. I haven’t since. I hate that fucker. I have a 9 year old and a 5 year old, both boys. They love the G1 cartoon, the 1986 movie, and watched me play through WFC and FOC. Their minds will never be tainted by bayshit as long as I draw breath. Great review and keep it real

  13. YES, YES, YES AND MUTHA F***IN” HELL YEAH! Transformers is an iconic part of cartoon pop culture, and Bay (who has the same look to all his shiny pointless action films) has not paid any attention to the originals. I’m not talking about the names of the Transformers, but the FEEL of the Transformers universe. Partly because he is a cocksucker, but mainly because the transformer universe isn’t about humans: Shia (you tool) and his fuckin girlfriend, or his retarded fucking parents or the fucking US government and the fucking hoorah, cheese-munchin’ bullshit that goes with it!! I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU MORONS, I….WANT…TRANSFORMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Humans are a side note, a small part of the story for us, being humans (der), to have something to relate too. Michael Bay, you should be fucking ashamed! You will go down in history as the guy who made a mockery of the Transformer franchise. Well done Dickhead. All those poor kids out there, corrupted but this rubbish! Kids who will be unable to taste the true flavor of the originals, because you stuffed cheap plastic-covered, thoughtless, mass produced, drive-through, american filth in their faces! DIE C*NT!! DIE!
    ps. Check out Bays resume for Directing. Its all shit. Armageddon kinda passes, because it had some cool actors (NOT AFFLECK) and i’m partial to an end-of-the-world tale. But they’re all shit! So i guess we can’t be too surprised.

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