“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” or “Harry Potter: THE END BITCH” – my fuckin review

I just back from seeing “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” with Kevin Vickery. He cried all through it. This time Harry PotterRon Weasley, and Hermione Granger have run out of books, I mean movies, oops I mean have run out of road in their last magical adventure together. Ok so the movie starts off with the 3 of them talking to some troll about some shit I don’t understand. Then it’s off to look for more whore-crutches, that if smashed will hurt (not kill) Lord Voldemort. Meanwhile Professor Severus Snape is running the school and looks bloated because of all his hard work there, but Harry and his back up dancers show up to shut that bitch down with the help of Professor Minerva McGonagall in this anticlimactic fight scene. Now this witch has clearly been around for a minute and I wanted a show down that ended all show downs and instead I got a Target style fireworks display (aka sparklers). Insert more dialogue about shit I am confused about here. Then it is time to raise the shields on the Hogwarts for the big battle scene that I have been waiting on for 7 movies to see. I can’t wait to see all those kids and teachers in huge fight scene where they are flying around on brooms zapping shit and flying up in the air using magic spells they have learned all these years and being cool as fuck. I can’t wait to see Luna Lovegood shutting some motherfuckers down. I can’t wait to see Bellatrix Lestrange killing students. I can’t wait to see some dramatic death scenes that have me crying and shit. I can’t wait to see all this crazy ass magic popping off and everything going ape shit for at least an hour. You know what I got? A terrible speech by Neville Longbottom that sealed his fate in the acting community. Sorry Longbottom that speech had about as much emotion as your toy action figure. Eventually Harry goes for a big showdown with Voldemort and I sit up in my seat with excitement and get ready for it and he just gets knocked out and then goes and talks to Professor Albus Dumbledore for 15 boring fuckin minutes. I was like ughhhhhhhh. Then finally another anticlimactic showdown.  Ok maybe I wanted too much action going into this movie, maybe I wanted more emotion, maybe I wanted a 3 way sex scene, maybe I should have read all 8 dictionaries (yes, I said dictionaries) before I went in so I would have understood everything that was going on, that the movie itself could not explain. Anyway is it a bad movie? No. If you have not read the books, or have not just walked out of a part 1-7 movie marathon you will be lost. If you have read the books ten times a piece, are wearing Harry Potter costume while reading this, own all the movies and know all the lines then clearly you are a Harry Potter nerd and will love this shit. Haha If not you will just think it is boring and be lost and wish someone would do some real magic in this movie for once. Also nobody ever said once “It’s magic bitch!”.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I would have had Professor Minerva McGonagall grab a broom and ride that shit zapping bad guys and laughing and saying “This is how it is done students”. Then she would have landed and said “Class dismissed”. See that is how you make it excited.

B. HAHA 19 years later with bad old age make up on. HAHA I wish they would have shown them working at gas station.

C. Could someone please explain to me why Lord Voldemort is a bad guy? Is it because he owns a snake? It it because he is deformed? Is it because he wears black? Because honestly he comes across more of a child molester to me. Here is the first costume design.

D. Here is me and George Weasley and Fred Weasley. They are tall as shit. I think one of them dies but I am not sure because it just showed someone at a distance laying their asleep with red hair. If you want a death scene to have emotion and being meaningful then show it. You don’t have to show blood, but show him fall in slow motion or some shit. I may have cried then. Instead I had to lean over and asked who just died.

E. Once again the cool characters were back seated so that the boring ones could shine more.

F. Emma Watson‘s acting career will continue after these movies. Good luck to the rest of those kids and their internet pornos. Give it time.. Here is what is coming.

G. At one point the school is a fucking disaster area and Harry has the most powerful magic wand on the planet and instead of repairing the school with oh I don’t know “MAGIC”, he break the wand and throws it in a river.  Smooth move shit ass.

H. Me and Kevin were talking about how people in their 20’s are walking around sad saying their childhoods are over now because these films are done. HAHA your childhood was over when you gave your first blow job at 16 bitch. hahaha

I. I am into wand free magic.

J. They need to learn a grenade spell.

K. Alexandre Desplat composed the score, it was just ok for me, but forgettable.  The score for the first few Harry Potters were pretty awesome though check those out.

L. If I ever have the ability to do magic I would be making motherfuckers heads explode. Everyone in this film is a nerd. I would be yelling “WHERE’S HARRY AND VOLDEMORT? BRING THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS OUT GOD DAMNIT!” Then I would rip their heads off magically, and float their heads around the school as trophies.

M. He ain’t going to a straight club wearing this. Straight girls cry, gay guys clap.

N. If you love Harry Potter, then you will love this movie, and you will probably go see movies that Daniel Radcliffe is in until you die because you can’t let it or him go. Good luck with all that 🙂

O. Tom Felton said they burned his hair and it will not grow back because they dyed it so much for these movies. Sorry Tom.

P. They should have played this song at the end of this movie.

Q. Was Dumbledore in train station heaven?

R. I think Nagini is the real star of these films. Her/His dialogue makes sense to me.

S. Neville’s acting career.

T. Hey you know you can still love the books and not like the movies, it’s ok. I love Transformers but think the movies are trash. It’s ok, J.K. Rowling‘s will still get paid either way, and she could care less if you live or die. Your devotion does not matter to her. If you call her she will hang up on you. 🙂

U. Are they going to kiss here or suck that wand off? WTF weird.

17 thoughts on ““Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” or “Harry Potter: THE END BITCH” – my fuckin review

  1. AMOOOOOOOOOOOOO HARRYYYYYYYYYYYY POTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
    CON TODO MI CORAZON
    AMO TODAS SUS PELICULAS LAS AMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DIOS
    LAS AMO MAS KE A MI PERRITA ( NISIKIERA TENGO PEROO PERO BUENO LA AMO)

  2. i am a big fan of harry potter and you’ve got it all wrong. watch your back, cause i’ll be watching you. btw, do you ever LISTEN TO WHAT THE ACTORS ARE SAYING?!?!?!?!?!

  3. Okay you clearly have way too much time on your hands. If you want to understand the series so badly read the books. Or maybe your just jealous because someone can create another world besides your sad life.

    • HAHA I don’t want to undertand the series so badly. Also my life is not sad at all, I work for a Television Network, I write and film movies, I write review for magazines and commercials, and wow that is just the beginning. I wonder how awesome your life is.
      PS I get asked to write a lot of these reviews, that’s right cracker jack. Thanks for taking the time out of your your obviously busy schedule to tell someone they suck. 🙂

  4. I love HP and I also really enjoyed this review. It didn’t say anything bad, just the movie is made for HXC HP fans and probably wouldn’t be for everyone, which it totally true.

    Good job, keep it up.

    PS. I also loved your x-men first class review. right on!

  5. hahhahah I LOVE HARRY POTTER but this was soo funnny!!!!! harry is a mega fag and needs gay sex badly! i was laughing hella hard this shit is hilarious! and yea the movies suck dickhole! and for all those people freaking out up there, they are obviously not “real” harryplopper fans cause the movies are SHIT compared to the books so why they so mad?? lol your sooo funny keep reviewing!!

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