“Captain America” or “Un-American Skinny Wimps Will Not Get Laid” my fuckin review

Ok I finally got to see “Captain America: The First Avenger” yesterday. I was on the fence about going to see this movie because I have never been to keen on any hero with the name “America” in the title. It sounds like straight up red white and bull shit propaganda to me. Now chill out ROGER RAM JET I was in Air Force R.O.T.C. for 3 years and I wear military clothing for fashion to this day. So I am no Government basher bitch. Just know there is a difference between the word “America” and the word “Government”. Anyway back to this jam, OK the movie starts off with this skinny nerd named Steve Rogers who people beat up on and he can’t get laid, but he wants to go fight in the war. Did I mention it is the 1940’s and World War 2 and shit. Yes it’s a period piece super hero movie. So anyway little Stevie meets up with this Doctor who is sweet on him and is best friends with Iron Man‘s dad (before Iron Man is born) and Tommy Lee Jones. They came up with some formula to give wimpy Steve big muscles, big strength and a big penis. Now he is Captain America. He is all big, tall, hot and shit. There is this one (they didn’t let girls in the army back then, just this one hot one) English female soldier who is the army with him, and now that he is big and has muscles she wants his package (his dick). There is also this big bad guy who is worse than Hitler called SATAN, OK he just looks like the devil he is not called Satan. They call him “Red Skull” and he is in charge of all these Octo-Nazis. I know weird. The Red Skull’s plans are simple, he wants to take over the world by using some blue rubix cube that could possibly be owned by Thor. I am not sure about that. Insert show downs and some fighting montages. Surprisingly I liked this movie and here is why. It was how they handled it. They poked fun at American Propaganda in the 40’s by even making fun of Captain America himself at first. Even when Captain America gets his powers and shit they dismiss him for a huge chunk of the film as a joke and what not.  I thought Chris Evans did a great job as the CGI wimpy version of himself and I really believed he was small and little. I think I even felt sorry for him for a nano second. I felt like even though he was called Captain America he was never super pro-American, he was just trying to fight bad shit or assholes and such, even if the asshole was your mom. So yeah anyway I was entertained. Did I love it? No, but I did like it and rode the ride it offered. I will not be buying this movie when it comes out on Blu Ray. If you are into red, white and blue, Chris Evans, guns, shields frisbees, Tommy Lee Jones, red-faced demon, and hate Nazi’s then this movie is for you. No Chris Evans is not nude in this movie if you were wondering. America was wholesome in the 40’s haha or at least the movies were.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Right before Captain America jumps off a cliff the hot English girl kisses him. There is always time for herpes.

B. I wish they would make Captain Africa starring Pam Grier.

C. Chris Evans did a good job in this movie and I believed it. He also got laid more as a hunk than as a skinny nice guy nerd. What does that say about our society? I guess you better get a gym membership ASAP if you want to GET OFF!

D. I like spy type shit.

E. Alan Silvestri is an amazing composer. Here is a sample of the score.

F. Red Skull looked real and Hugo Weaving probably looks convincing taking a shit. I also want his Hot Topic coat.

G. CGI skinny Chris Evans looked real to me, and actually had more emotion than the real version.

H. What the hell is an Octo- Nazi and how do I get a uniform?

I. Stay until after the end credits to see “The Avengers” teaser trailer. It looked cool.

J. I guess Wonder Woman was pretty pro-American looking too and I would have dated her ass. Captain America should date her too.

K. I wish they would have played Neil Diamond‘s “Coming to America” in the end credits.

L. This movie was in “Real 3D” and “Real 3D” sucks 3D balls. It ain’t no IMAX 3D. I wish I would have seen it in 2D.

M. They released this movie to the rest of the world under the title “The First Avenger”, because the rest of the world thinks America is a bunch of gun carrying bullies. Do some research bitch the rest of the world doesn’t think America is as cool as Americans do. Listen to this song to understand why.

N. Samuel L. Jackson is in all these movies now.

O. There is not a lot of cursing in this movie so it was hard for me to understand the fucking dialogue.

P. This movie has some great posters. Here are 3 different ones.

One response to ““Captain America” or “Un-American Skinny Wimps Will Not Get Laid” my fuckin review

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