“Cowboys & Aliens” or “Assholes & Ugly Aliens” my fuckin review

OK I just back from watch “Cowboys & Aliens” and I learned that maybe I don’t like weird movie mash-ups. The movie starts of with James Bond (Daniel Craig) as a cowboy waking up pissed off in the desert wearing a Hot Topic Steam Punk bracelet that shoots lasers. He goes to a local town where he runs into more pissed off cowboys who he fights with, cuz he is pissed off. Then a weird girl shows up who will clearly be a half ass love interest because she is too pretty for this shit ass town, and yes she is pissed off too. Now Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) shows up and he is such a fuckin asshole and also wants to beat up James bond, but before he can do that here come the spaceships. Now instead of the towns people running inside their houses and shit to hide they just run around in the middle of the street in circles so that can be jerked up in the air by the spaceships. Now everyone joins up and goes a ridin to go find the aliens or spaceships or whatever to get back their stolen kinsfolk. So after what feels like 3 hours of watching people ride horses they catch up to the aliens cheap ass space crib and decide to join local Native American and some criminals to have some shitty ass show down with them. The aliens look like ugly gorillas and the humans are all so pissed off they make me sick. Also think about this, James Bond is wearing an alien weapon that he finds and puts on and is somehow a fucking master at using it, and can defeat shit loads of aliens who are also wearing them, and have probably been wearing them since before he was even born. SHUT THE FUCK UP. The love interest is boring and lame and I wished someone would have shot her face off. The difference between this movie and Syfy CHANNEL original movie is Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig. That’s it. Replace them and you got another boot leg ass movie on late night television. So if you like angry cowboys, pissed off Harrison Ford, Daniel Craig dirty, boring girls who like they wearing their pajamas, gorilla aliens, dust, a “so what, who cares” plot then this movie is for. This movie was not for me. It is boring and even though the idea is not generic, the movie was.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Why are cowboys assholes?

B. I am not sure why all aliens look like shit in all movies lately.

C. Just cuz you put big stars in movies it doesn’t mean that shit will be gold. Here Harrison is saying “I am old and angry”.

D. In the movie the aliens are after earths gold. HAHAHA yeah I know, and for some reason they kidnap humans. OK why? They say to learn our weakness’, Now I am not as smart as a space alien, but I figured our weakness the first 5 minutes of the movie. It’s a laser to the head. That’s it. One shot to the fucking head. Why take shit loads of humans to study on how to kill when you can just shoot them with your big ass laser guns. HAHA SHUT THE FUCK UP.

E. Olivia Wilde bored me in this movie. I kept wishing it was Summer Glau in this movie instead of Olivia.

Here is a picture of Summer. She is a real women and is truly the hot cut.

F. James Bond and the girl kiss real quick before the battle. There is always time for herpes even in cowboy days.

G. The director Jon Favreau also directed the movie “Iron Man” which also bored me.

H. I wish they would have made “Flappers & Aliens”. This movie would have been fucking amazing.

I. or “Greasers & Aliens”.

J. or “Ravers & Aliens”. This would have been even better. SHIT!

K. I hate forced bad asses in movies. It’s like we get it your tough, how the fuck can you take 6 different dudes guns away from them at once. If I was guy number 6 I would have shot him when he grabbed the first 2 guys guns. I understand “suspension of disbelief” but Daniel Craig is a human and not an alien. That mother fucker ain’t got no special powers bitch. He is just dirty and an asshole.

J. Just go see “Attack the Block” this movie kicks assholes in and makes sense to me. Here is my review for it. https://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2011/05/26/attack-the-block-or-kids-from-london-kick-fuckin-ass-my-fucking-review/

K. Maybe if you like Westerns you may like this movie, but honestly there are better Western’s out there. New and Old!

L. The score was done by Harry Gregson-Williams and was not very memorable. Even though I tend to like his work, this was forgettable.

M. Here is what we all thought about the movie when we walked out of it. 4 bird fingers up!

N. They should have played this song in the end credits. Cuz the aliens were gold diggers bitch,

O. Anyway I am bored writing about this movie. Good luck, don’t believe me go watch! Go buy your Hot Topic Steam Punk bracelet too asshole.

3 thoughts on ““Cowboys & Aliens” or “Assholes & Ugly Aliens” my fuckin review

  1. Also the real star of this movie was Daniel Craig’s butt. Yes this stupid movie was an attempt at a genre mash-up of western and sci-fi but don’t forget it also owes a significant aesthetic debt to GAY PORN.

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