“Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” or “I Was Not Afraid of the Dark”- my fuckin review

I just watched “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” which was directed by Troy Nixey not by Guillermo del Toro in case you are wondering. OK the story starts off with this chunky faced little girl moving in with her dad Guy Pearce and her new step mom Katie Holmes into a big ass old mansion. The first night shit pops off when the chunky faced little girl starts hearing shit coming out of the vents of the house. There are these voices whispering her name to come play with them in the basement and shit. Where this bitch found human teeth earlier. HAHA If I hear creepy ass voices coming from a vent calling my name I usually take a can of hairspray and a match and then make a little flame thrower for that fuckin vent and burn whatever is inside it. I don’t say OK and go down there to play with them. This little girl ain’t 5 years old she is like 11 or some shit. She is smart enough to know not to listen to creepy ass rat demons in the basement. Meanwhile the parents don’t hear or see shit, and Katie Holmes is trying to get along with chunky faced girl by offering to bake her scones. If someone tried to offer to bake me fuckin scones I would slap the shit out of them. FUCKIN SCONES. Bake me some cookies bitch, I am TEN not a 22-year-old college student writing a script at Starbucks. Later the chunky faced girl realized that these ugly ass whispering rat demons are not her friends at all, they are fuckin assholes and they plan to take her teeth. Now she is trying to get the adults to believe her, but they do not. Katie tries to listen to her and visits the local library where this dude who works there somehow knows literally everything about this house. This dude is also like 25 years old and knows everything. HAHA Ok anyway eventually all hell breaks loose and they decide to escape in the slowest get away I have ever seen in my life. They literally put chunky faced girl to bed, so that they can pack some things, and then leave. WHAT THE FUCK! Grab that chunky bitch and run out the door, these rat demons have knives and shit. I was like UMMMMMMMMM. These white folks make no sense to me. I wanted all of them to die. In the end I thought this movie would be scary for 10 year olds, until I found out that it was rated “R”. HAHA What the FUCK!  I am totally lost. So if you want to see a spooky movie with dumb ass white people doing stupid ass shit then this movie is for you and your 10-year-old chunky faced children. It’s sad because I love the setting, and the score was literally incredible, but it felt like I was watching a movie that came out in 1994. Wait for DVD and watch this with chunky kids they will be scared. I am not scared of rats who whisper in vents. I would have been more scared of Tom Cruise visiting Katie Holmes on the set while the movie was filming and him hitting on me.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I like Katie Holmes but I want her to be single and choose roles that are crazier.

B. I step on rat demons on the daily.

C. Guy Pearce acted shitty in this movie.

D. That little girls face was really chunky monkey.

E. The teaser trailer is one of the worst teaser trailers I have seen in the last 10 years. I mean it is so fuckin stupid.

F. Here is a pic of me, a rat demon, Ben C., Tristan T., Katie Holmes, and Matt Gallo after the movie.

G. The score was the best thing about this movie, it was composed by Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders.

H. White people really do a lot of stupid shit in horror movies.

I. Don’t talk to anything coming out of an air vent.

J. I bet a can of RAID BUG SPRAY works on rat demons too.

K. I need to buy some flash grenades in case this happens to me. The rat demons didn’t dig light.

L. This movie could have been really cool but it was not 😦

M. During the movie I kept whispering to Ben, Matt and Tristan “Bring the little chunky bitch to me, I want her teethhhhhh”.

N. This poster is boring.

2 thoughts on ““Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” or “I Was Not Afraid of the Dark”- my fuckin review

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