“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1” or “Bella Gets Married, Pregnant and Turns Into A Fuckin Skeleton”- my fuckin review

I just watched “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1” with Max Fisher, Marlinda Phillips, Sky King, Ashley, and Craig. Ok I try to keep an open mind about movies and film so I went to see it. It starts off with Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart) getting married, so that they can finally have sex because the author of this books is Mormon. Anyway they have their wedding outside, because I guess they can’t have it in a church because Edward is a FUCKING VAMPIRE and his skin will burn. Wait that is not true because the only vampirey thing about these films is that they drink blood and that’s IT! So now they are married and Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) the werewolf, excuse me WOLF, is pissed. Edward and Bella are now going on their honeymoon to the one place every vampire wants to go, THE FUCKIN BEACH. In this movie vampires love the sun. UH OH, now it is time for sex, Edward and Bella bang? I think, because it faded to black, but then Bella woke up and the room was torn apart and for a minute I thought bad vampires had shown up and kidnapped Edward, but it turns out Vampires will just fuck the living shit out of you. Then Bella is shocked when she finds out she is pregnant and then she rubs her stomach a lot. Ladies when you fuck dudes and DO NOT use a condom you will get pregnant, I just wanted to make sure you understood that. Now Bella has a demon baby in her (YES, A DEMON BABY, BECAUSE EDWARD IS A VAMPIRE WHO HAS NO SOUL OR PULSE OR HEART BEAT, BUT YET HE CAN GET A BONER AND HAS SUPER JIZZ THAT GETS GIRLS PREGNANT OVER NIGHT) and the baby is turning her into a living skeleton. Jacob finds out and you guessed it he is angry and morphs into a wolf and runs around in the woods. In the end Bella is dying cuz the baby is a demon that is eating her snatch or stomach or whatever, and Edward rips it out of her, then turns her into a vampire. Congratulations on your marriage Bella, can I get my toaster back? Remember that girls are fantasizing about this life (Dating an undead demon, going against God and marrying him, then fucking him, getting pregnant, then having a demon baby ripped out of her coochie).  So this film is a fuckin mess, even worse it’s boring as hell. It was like watching a hokey ass soap opera with shitty score and forced dialogue. If I knew these people I would beg them to shut the fuck up, or run away screaming and crying. The characters are flat and wooden, and yeah they smile once or twice, but they are just so miserable all the time, but yet they want to be together. Umm If I am with someone who is moody all the time I am getting the fuck out of there. The author clearly does not know a god damn thing about vampires and werewolves, yet she is writing about them. However she does know about moody ass females teens who are boring as hell. What fucking guy likes this type of girl? I can’t even talk someone like this for 2 seconds much less date them. Honestly I hoped these films would get better as they kept making them, but they have gotten worse and worse. The most horrible thing about this film or any film is it being boring. THIS FILM IS BORING TRASH. So if you are boring, enjoy hearing the word “Vampire” and you don’t know what it means, like seeing a skinny white boy with weird teeth with his shirt off, enjoy soap operas, like CGI Baby faces, are attracted to Skele-Bellas, and want to puke fake blood then this movie is for you.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Fuck you Skele-Bella. What’s sad is it’s the best she has ever looked. WHEN SHE WAS DYING.

B.  The score was like a sitcoms perception of what a soap opera sounds like. Honestly it ruined this movie even more. WORST SCORE OF THE YEAR!

C. This movie makes no fucking sense to me. It’s like the use the word “vampire”, but they need to pick up a fucking dictionary and see what the word means you dumb ass bitches.

D. These girls were the best part about the movie and they weren’t in it.

E. Teen girls are you so sad you will just accept anything thrown at you. It’s like going to the zoo and a monkey throws shit at your face, you wouldn’t like that would you? Same thing!

F. After Bella has sex with Edward and got pregnant she said “This is impossible”. Ummmmm you just fucked a vampire and the pregnancy part strikes you as bizarre or impossible. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

G. I’d rather see Miss Piggy as Bella.

H. This movie insults every other vampire film every made.

I. Here I am praying that someone comes around from the back of this sign and blows my god damn head off after watching this film. Max Fisher was physically sick after the film he could not even been in the picture. I did have fun with all of these people though.

J. I heard Ray Bradbury say once “Write about what you know”, clearly Stephenie Meyer knows nothing about what she is writing about. Yes, I know theses books and films have made millions, but money isn’t everything. Once I found a 1oo dollar bill in a trash can, but it was still in a fucking trash can. Here is a horrifying article with Stephenie discussing how she has never seen a vampire movie and knows nothing about what she is writing about. http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20049578,00.html

K. I just don’t understand why they would put this film together this way and don’t fucking tell me it was not made for people like me. Movie should be made for all to enjoy not horny 16-year-old girls or for that matter horny 40-year-old girls.

L. At one point Jacob and the baby fall in love.

M. These movies are disgrace to horror movies and to soap operas.

N. I wish this would have happened.

O. If you are only watching this film to look at attractive people, go rent a porno. The stories are better in a porno anyway. Look here is gay version called TWINK-LIGHT. It’s basically the same thing, except Bella can act in TWINK-LIGHT.

P. OK I am done talking about this over dramatic trash. Go watch Buffy. It was a million times better.

Q. Lame ass poster.

9 thoughts on ““The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1” or “Bella Gets Married, Pregnant and Turns Into A Fuckin Skeleton”- my fuckin review

  1. I was so excite to see the first film…honestly because of the hotness of some of the dudes in the cast and in my experience most people cannot be super attractive AND talented. I saw the movie, and was proven RIGHT! I honestly thought about standing up and screaming “Fuck you” when Bella was in the hospital at the end of the movie. I’m so relieved to find out that was the best of all the movies.

  2. Just saw this movie, I didn’t like the first really at all, I think it was the 2nd or 3rd I actually didn’t mind and the 4th one just released SUCKED SO HARD, even my girlfriend thought it was fuckin lame, worst one yet.

  3. I personally believe this specific article , “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″ or Bella Gets
    Married, Pregnant and Turns Into A Fuckin Skeleton- my fuckin review | EDDIE RAY BREAKS THAT
    SHIT DOWN!”, highly entertaining not to mention the blog post ended
    up being a terrific read. Regards-John

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