“The Adventures of Tintin” or “The Adventures of Twink Twink and the Alcoholic”- my fuckin review

Me and Max Fisher just watched the movie “The Adventures of Tintin” and here is the fuckin review. Ok so the film starts off with this CGI dude with red hair, who I think is in his 20’s and lives alone. He has his own apartment and a pet dog and is not interested in the ladies. That is literally all we know about him. Oh yeah he solves cases and is a nosey white bitch. One day he is out on the street and buys a model of a boat, a boat that everyone and their mom wants. Haha I’m kidding there are no girls in this movie. Then he is robbed and someone steals the boat from his crib, and instead of calling the police he goes on an adventure. Anyway so starts the drama, oops I mean adventure. He joins up with this alcoholic ships captain, no I am serious, this captain is a severe alcoholic and they harp on it constantly. At this point Tintin has a gun, which I do love, and he and the drunk Captain are after another model of a ship. So this alcoholic bear and his twink go off to the clubs, oops I mean the desert in search of the other model ship.  Insert a lot of CGI Indiana Jones style scenes, that just made me dizzy and sick. Thanks Steven. In the end, there is no end they are still solving the same mystery. Ok I was excited to see this movie but I was bored, I tried to like it, which is a weird thing to even say. It was just so  slow, but yet somehow non-stop. I know that doesn’t make any sense but when you watch it you will see what I’m saying. Sometimes non-stop action can be slow and boring. Anyway I wish this movie would have just been more animated (cartoony), they keep forcing this realistic CGI shit on us. We don’t like it, it’s creepy and weird (Hello Uncanny Valley) and our brains reject shit that looks to human but yet is not. Remember Polar Express, yeah it creeped us all out. I mean if you are going to make something look so real, then just make the shit real bitch. I would have enjoyed it better if it was Jamie Bell’s ass running around solving cases. This CGI red-head really didn’t have a fuckin soul.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Stop forcing this “The Polar Express” UNCANNY VALLEY SHIT on us. We Don’t like it! it creeps us out!!!! I wish he was the cartoon version or a real life version. This realistic human CGI shit is ass.

B. I kept saying show us your “Uncanny dick bitch”. In case you do not know what Uncanny Valley means. The uncanny valley is a hypothesis in the field of robotics and 3D computer animation, which holds that when human replicas look and act almost, but not perfectly, like actual human beings, it causes a response of revulsion among human observers.

C. Jamie Bell did the voice for Tintin they should have just had him play a live action version of him.

D. There were even pirates in this movie. I AM FUCKIN OVER PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!

E. I wish my friend James Ford played Tintin in a live action version.

F. You guessed it John Williams did the score. Steven doesn’t like other composers.

G. Andy Serkis played the bear Captain Haddock. Here they are on a date.

H. Jamie Bell was asked if he thought the character of Tintin was gay here is what he said……

“I mean, I think that there’s always been that conversation; there’s always been that argument. No one has ever said no to that argument; there’s nothing definitive, so I mean, it’s up in the air. It’s an interesting question, because there is a lack of women and females in the entire Tintin universe; there’s only one and she’s represented as this annoying person who is singing all the time and bugs everyone [Ed’s Note: La Castafiore].”

I. Anyway skip this movie and watch Rin Tin Tin.

J. Steven Spielberg directed this movie, but this year alone he has produced about 17 movies or TV shows. How the fuck do you have time to Direct a movie when you producing 17 different things. PS almost all of those 17 things SUCKED ASS. Focus Steven, FOCUS.

K. When I left the theatre I sang this song but changed the words to “Goodbye Tintin’s rose”.

L. Max threw up at the end.

M.  I also want you to know that Peter Jackson produced this, and Edgar Wright co-wrote the screenplay. Does the term “Too many cooks in the kitchen” ring a bell.

N. I do love that Tintin was shooting at people with a gun, and The Captain was an alcoholic in a kids film. Haha YES.

O. This poster looks like a shitty compass.

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