“The Devil Inside” or “Don’t Ever Go Watch Someone Get Exorcised Bitch”- my fuckin review

I went to see “The Devil Inside” with Joey and Marlinda last night and before the review here is a funny tale about a bitch in the theater. This white Marcy Darcy looking bitch at the movie theater kept looking back at me while I was talking to Marlinda and Joey, but know that I do not talk during the movie or the trailers. It was before the trailers had even started and the lights were up still. They were showing car commercials and the entire audience was still coming in and we had about 15 or 20 minutes before the movie started. She looked back once at me, and I thought OK weird, then she did it a second time and that’s all it took. I snapped at that bitch and said “I know you aint looking at me bitch”. I was like we are allowed to talk before the trailers start you old bitch. Then she kept on so I put my hand up in front of her face and kept sayin “I don’t see you” and followed her eyes with my hand so I couldn’t see her face. Don’t be giving me evil looks for no fucking reason in silence, if you got something to say then say that shit bitch. Also yeah I get it, don’t talk during the movies, but the movie had nowhere near started. If I was talking during the trailers or the movie then by all means tell me to shut the fuck up. Also know that this group of young African-American teen girls sat down behind us and screamed the entire time. The old Marcy Darcy bitch was pissed and hated the world. I don’t mind people yelling and screaming in horror movies. I want people to scream, yell and be involved in movies. So I had fun. PS the lady dropped her phone and keys during the movie and then had to wait until the lights came up after the movie to find them. HAHA Bitch. Ok back to the review.

So the film starts off somewhere in the past and some lady has killed a shit load of people at an exorcism gone bad. She and her daughter are the only survivors. Now cut to 20 years later and it’s the year 2009, the little girl is all grown up and is wondering why her mother was trying to be exorcised and then shipped to Italy 2o years ago. She decides to go to Italy with this cameraman who is filming a documentary (another fake true story) about their trip to Italy and her mom. They get there and find her mom locked up in a hospital and she is acting fucked up and possessed. They go and ask the Vatican for help but they say “fuck you, Easter is coming up and we are busy”. So they go get help from 2 rogue priests to help exercise her mom, but to convince them that an exorcism is real they go exercise some random girl strictly for kicks.   Then it’s of to save mommy dearest, who she doesn’t even really know (remember it has been 20 years). Ok let’s stop here for a minute. IF YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING PRIEST THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO AN EXORCISM? I got no pity on your ass after that. You get what you deserve. Now demonic shit pops off and shit loads of people become possessed. In the end there is no resolution, no answers to anything, and the film literally just stops. The audience is pissed off and yelled at the screen. Everyone walked out pissed. I am not kidding. It was packed too. On the way into the film we heard this girl say “Just when it started to get good, it cut off”. She nailed it. Haha So yeah we have seen this movie before and they threw in extra exorcism for good measure. The characters are boring and forgettable, and we could care less if they all died. I am over this fake documentary shit. “Paranormal Activity” already did it and did it Ok, and you are just riding half ass coat tails at that, after “The Blair Witch Project“. I guess possession films are hard to do after the “The Exorcist” films, but that means you just have to work harder to come up with something cooler or more original. This film had a couple of scares but that was it, I would never want to see it again. If you like fake documentaries, shitty people possessed, exorcising with no work out equipment, and boring ass characters then this film is for you. The ending was abrupt and shitty and so was the film.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Seriously if you are not a priest what the fuck are you doing at an exorcism. What the fuck do you think is going to happen? A fuckin pony will show up.

B. I love this old ladies (Suzan Crowley) possessed hair. I wish my hair did that while I was just talking about car repair.

C. HOW the fuck are you going to call a movie “The Devil Inside” and not play INXS “Devil Inside” in the end credits. You fucked up.

D. Get some Visine Bitch.

E. In the 70’s or 80’s when you heard someone possessed talking about wanting to suck dicks or licking their lips you were offended. Now you are just turned on.

F. My grandmother is Puerto Rican and when she was little she witnessed a minute of a real exorcism, but her ass was smart enough to get the fuck out of there when the shit popped off.

G. At one point during the movie this 14-year-old African-American girl behind me in the theater yelled at the priest (Simon Quarterman) on-screen when he couldn’t save the girl “Nigga you ain’t the pope”. I said “Shit, True”.

H. At the beginning of the film they said some shit like this is the film the Vatican did not want you to see, because the footage is real or some shit like that. Haha I was like ummmm the Vatican doesn’t even know this MOVIE exists and or cares. Also after the films terrible ending it cut to a website address where you could learn more about this true story. True story all played by actors. haha. Anyway here is the website it cuts to at the end for more “Real” footage about it http://www.therossifiles.com/site/, remember the movie is about Maria Rossi (Maria Rossi is played by Suzan Crowley in the real footage).

I. This is what the lady looked like that harassed us. Fuck You Marcy Darcy.

J. There was a contortionist in the movie played by Bonnie Morgan (supposedly real footage of a possessed girl). Bonnie was in an episode of “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” and I love her in that episode. Here scene from Terminator.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDHeOKZ74N4

K. This movie seemed like they ran out film half way through it and then it just cuts off.

L. SURPRISE TWIST: My stepbrother Laz saw the movie out in California and had this to add to my review for another opinion.  

LAZ LIKED:  

The crazy mom. That woman should really win an academy award for acting. She went from one mood to the next – from little old lady, to possibly crazy sweet old lady, to foul-mouthed spitting lady, and back again in 4 minutes, and she knew judo. I would probably go on a date with her if she could keep the whole “flies crawl out of my nose sometimes” thing under wraps. The main priest guy, father holyshitihavewoodnow, his acting was passable, borderline good. The twisty olympic cirque de soliel contortionists demon possessions, it was juuuuust the right amount without becoming too gimmicky, but im sure if the film was 5 minutes longer they would have thrown another one in somewhere and it would have become tired.
LAZ HATED:

The shaky fucking ‘lets pretend this is a documentary’ camera work. Have you ever SEEN a documentary? They aren’t shaky like that at all and no one has that many tremors while holding a camera, and no non actor person could possibly have a normal conversation with some guy running circles around them and shoving a camera under their chin while they are trying to eavesdrop on a class lecture. It’s sooooooooooooooo played out and asinine and then of course, to pay homage the overall “The Blair Witch Project” ripoff, they have that scene where the gaybo priest pops up behind my hot priest. I mean, I’d like to pop up behind the hot priest too…but I digress. The ‘every 3 minute plot exposition for the very next scene’ thing really bugged me too. 1st scene: people talk about pizza. 2 scene: people inexplicably get pizza. 3 scene: people talk about xylophones, next scene: people have xylophones. etc. Then of course, the ending. FUCK YOU. I hope someone hacks that site and puts up pictures of furry sex.

Here is Laz judging the movie.

M. No Soul is Safe from this lame movie.

2 responses to ““The Devil Inside” or “Don’t Ever Go Watch Someone Get Exorcised Bitch”- my fuckin review

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