“Fast Five” or “Oh Slow Your Ass Down Bitch”- My fuck review

OK I finally watched “Fast Five“, I mean shit I am opened minded. I like action scenes and shit. Anyway so this is part five of the “The Fast and the Furious” films.  Who knew they would make it this far. Ok so this time Vin DieselPaul Walker, and Jordana Brewster are back together and stealing cars again. They should really just think about getting jobs by now. This time they steal the wrong car and it has some kind of micro chip in it and the bad guys that own it want that shit back. Vin says fuck that shit, we are going to come up with some elaborate scheme to get some money from the bad guys so we can retire. Now he and Paul call all their old friends (Tyrese GibsonLudacrisMatt SchulzeSung KangGal GadotTego Calderon, and Don Omar) from the other films to help. TEAM ASSEMBLY, but this time the Government is after them too in the form of THE ROCK (Dwayne Johnson). Now it is a race against time, I think, to get a safe with money in it, fight bad guys, and avoid The Rock. In the end there are a shit load of car chases and car wrecks. Also Jordana is pregnant so the movie is about family. Haha. There is even a scene where The Rock and Vin beat the fuck out of each other and then join forces to fight the bad guys. I was praying for a big orgy scene with the entire team but that didn’t happen. Ok so this film was what you would expect it to be, a part 5 in series of films about cars and car chases. If you want something more than that don’t look here. It’s cars driving fast, some jokes, and some fight scenes and that is about it. This movie was not for me and I was just sort of staring at it. They apparently do really well at the box office because they keep making them, and hell I even watched it. If you like Vin Diesel, cars, Paul Walker, car wrecks, Ludacris, car chases, The Rock, cars having sex, and Tyrese then this movie is for you.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. They are making “The Fast and the Furious 6” in case you were wondering.

B. There is no nudity in this film.

C. There was not a 3 way in this movie.

D. They can drive really well, but yet they wreck all their cars.

E. Here they are car surfing.

F. They don’t curse enough in these movies.

G. How are you not going to play Roxette’s “Joyride” in this movie somewhere?

H. Here is the whole team walking along side each other looking for a beach towel.

I. If I was in this movie I would have run people the fuck over.

J. Or Cyndi Lauper’s “I drove all night”.

K. I miss Michelle Rodriguez.

L. I hope they keep making these until they are 70 years old. Now that would be funny.

M. I wish one of them would have gotten pulled over for going 5 miles over the speed limit one time, ya know like after a chase scene they turn the corner and slow down then get the ticket.

N. This poster is so blue.

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