“Haywire” or “The Female James Bond Can Fight But She’s Boring As Hell”- my fuckin review

I got see “Haywire” with Max Fisher and his mother Mrs. Fisher and here is the movie review. Ok the movie starts off with a female James Bond named Mallory (Gina Carano). She is dressed like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and runs into Channing Tatum,  who is another spy that is trying to bring her “in”. Mallory and Channing beat the fuck out of each other and she gets away by kidnapping some dude and his ride. Now we go back in time as she tells her spy story on how she got there. She tells the random dude that she kidnapped everything. I have no idea why, but I assume she needed someone to talk to so that we the audience know what happened. There is no reason to tell some random dude that you just kidnapped anything. OK now we are in the past and Mallory and Channing are still friends and spies out to same some other dude that was kidnapped. There is a lot of fighting, running around and guns. Then she goes back home to get her next case from Ewan McGregor. He sends her to England, I think, to help and English spy played by Michael Fassbender. Shit hits the fan and he punches her in the back of the head and then more fighting pops off. Mallory is betrayed by everyone! Which eventually lead her ass back to “real-time” in the car with dude she kidnapped. Later she calls Antonio Banderas who then calls Michael Douglas to talk shit about her. Mallory eventually goes and gets help from her dad Bill Paxton. In the end there is a showdown with a bunch of  bitches and Mallory whips everyones ass. OK this movie looked cool and the fight scenes were cool, but that’s about it. Everyone in the movie seemed like they were just walking around Gina waiting to get hit in the face. It’s not that Gina is a bad actress, but she is a fighter, not an actress. Drama is hard to do for anyone and I think she just came across weird and forced in her scenes. Honestly you just kept waiting for the next fight scene and that was it. I say wait for DVD so you can fast forward to the fight scenes. Other than that skip this shit.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Gina Carano’s voice was dubbed over in the movie. So sometimes you felt you were watching a foreign film that was dubbed over. I guess she sounded like shit when they filmed it.

B. I guess stars line up to be in his movies.

D. I am not a fan of Steven Soderbergh. The only other films I liked he did are “Contagion” and “Out of Sight“.

E. Michael Fassbender really is a great and believable actor. He really does well in any part.

F. I wish this was the movie, and she looked liked this in it.

G. I did not like the score, it was like a mix between a 70’s exploitation film and a jazz festival. Keep it. See what I mean? Listen.

H. Channing Tatum was pretty good in this movie. Maybe we were too harsh on his ass.

 He used to be a stripper.

 And here he is on the cover of OUT Magazine.

I. What the fuck am I looking at?

J. This movie had too many stars running around in it and you really can’t remember their character names.

K. Here is the first 5 minutes of the movie, which was the best part of the movie.

L. The poster is cool I guess.

One response to ““Haywire” or “The Female James Bond Can Fight But She’s Boring As Hell”- my fuckin review

  1. Yeah, Soderbergh take ideas that could be exciting and makes them boring. Out of Sight and The Limey are cool, and Schizopolis is a funny late night nonsense movie.

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