“Dark Shadows” or “Johnny Depp Plays A Vampire and I LIKED IT?” – my fucking review

Here is my movie review for “Dark Shadows“, enjoy bitch! OK let me first start off by saying that I have NOT enjoyed the last few Tim Burton films (Charlie and the Chocolate FactoryCorpse BrideSweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Planet of the Apes, and Alice in Wonderland all bored me). His films since 2001, except for Big Fish, have been forced and it almost seems like he is making fun of his own directing style. It’s like the studio says to him “Can you Burtonize this film?”, even though he is fuckin Tim Burton. That being said here we go. OK so the story starts off in the 1700’s and shows Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) living with his parents, there he starts banging this witch maid, and she falls in love with him. He falls in love with some other chick and the witch is pissed, so she curses him to be a vampire and locks his ass in a box. Now in 1972 there is a new Collins family and they are broke as shit and depressed. Barnabas is accidentally dug up and heads back to his old crib. There he hooks up with the new Collins family to help them restore their family name and make some money again on tuna sales. Along the way crazy shit happens and it feels like an over dramatic soap opera. Which I didn’t mind. In the end Alice Cooper shows up to a ball, and there is a big fight scene with crazy shit popping off. OK so surprisingly I liked this movie. Maybe because I thought it was going to be a complete mess, so I was surprised. Maybe because there were ghosts, vampires, witches, and Alice Coopers in it. Maybe because there were giant creepy mansions with secret passage ways. Maybe because I finally liked Johnny Depp’s hair in a movie, lately he and his hair irritate me in movies. I can’t recommend this movie to people because there are some forced 70’s jokes here and there in it that I rolled my eyes at, but the movie is more serious than the trailer lead you to believe. It really is like watching this weird soap opera with over-the-top characters, so that is why I enjoyed watching it. I really had written this movie off before I had even watched it, but I can’t lie I had fun watching this over-the-top shit. I think this movie is just insane enough for me to like. It’s a good, Halloweeny, Horror, Soap Operay, Comedy. Not Tim’s best, but entertaining and fun.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I love montages, especially ones that play a song by The Carpenters.

B. Ghosts, Witches, Vampires, Werewolves, Creepy Mansions, Secret Passage Ways, 70’s clothing, and Alice Cooper. These are a few of my favorite things.

C. There is one blow job, a sex scene, and a witch puts her panties on someones face in this film.

D. This is the worst trailer I have seen in a while.

E. The entire score is dark and moody. Not light-hearted. Which surprised me. This is one of the few newer Danny Elfman scores that I have liked in a while. Take a listen.

F. I love Alice Cooper, putting him in your movie will earn you points. Even if his face is CGI’ed to look 1970’s.

G. I loved how Barnabas kept talked about Satan coming to get his soul. It made me laugh.

H. This is the best Johnny Depp has looked since “A Nightmare on Elm Street“. Maybe cuz he was dead and had a nice haircut and didn’t look like a god damn pirate.

I. Don’t misunderstand me this movie is not edgy or inventive at all, and Tim Burton may have lost his originality for sure, but at least he can make something entertaining still. I doubted that for a while.

J. I have seen episodes of the old show, but I remember it being slow and quiet. I probably would have went an over-the-top route with it too, but not so jokey.

K. I love Chloë Grace Moretz.

L. Michelle Pfeiffer is good in any role.

M. I want to live by the ocean in an old mansion NOW!

N. I am not sure that if you liked the original “Dark Shadows”  you will like the new movie.

O. I do like this poster, maybe because it looks like half the photos I take.

One response to ““Dark Shadows” or “Johnny Depp Plays A Vampire and I LIKED IT?” – my fucking review

  1. So do you think Burton’s movies got worse when he switched his muse from Lisa Marie to Helena Bonham Carter?

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