“Snow White and the Huntsman” or “Charlize Theron is the Fairest in the Land Bitch!”

Here is my movie review for “Snow White and the Huntsman” I hope you enjoy that shit. OK so the story starts with this king and queen having a baby named Snow White (sounds racist to me). The queen dies cuz the winter comes or some shit. Then the king goes out looking for new ass to get with. He finds Charlize Theron as a prisoner and takes her in and marries that ass. Now Charlize is queen and gets rid of the king and locks Snow White’s bony little ass up. The kingdom goes to shit, and Snow White grows up to become Kristen Stewart. Now the evil queen must eat that bitches heart to stay hot, but Snow White says peace out and escapes. Queen Charlize is pissed off and sends Thor (Chris Hemsworth) to get Snow White’s ass back, but he helps her instead with some dwarves and these weird ass, creepy as fuck fairies. Meanwhile please cut back to Queen Charlize because Kristen is doing that thing where she thinks she is conveying emotion by staring into space. Later they flip the 18th century script on your ass with some cheap surprises involving a kiss. They should have just left Snow White’s ass asleep, because Kristen did a really good job playing an emotionless dead body. In the end “White” (girls) triumph. I hope I didn’t give anything away because I am sure you have never heard of Snow White before. Shut the fuck up!  Anyway it was just ok and it wasn’t boring, but it was like watching “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring“, “Pan’s Labyrinth“, and “Twilight” all douched out into one movie. Charlize really is the most entertaining thing about this movie, but it is not enough to save this movie. The rest of the cast you just stare at lost. I wish they would have cast Madonna as the Evil Queen and Lady Gaga as Snow White. Then this movie would have made more sense to me. Madonna probably wants to eat Gaga’s heart to stay hot too. So if you love Kristen, Thor, Charlize and dwarves then go see this movie. Literally that is all you are getting. I will never watch this movie again. It is a one time ride.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Charlize Theron could be shitting in a dumpster full of baby diapers and she would still be hot. Don’t sit there and tell me that Bella is prettier than Charlize. A Charlize will trump a Kristen Stewart anytime. You tell me who is hotter?

Answer wisely or Charlize will eat your heart bitch!

B. Where the fuck was Dopey? I love Dopey!

C. The dialogue was hokey and laughable at times.

D. The evil queen is technically a cannibal. She wanted Snow’s human heart.

E. Shit this story is really just about a spoiled rich little white bitch who turns to prostitution with 7 dwarves. Let’s be real.

F.  Renn Fest.

G. Snow White can talk to animals and shit.

H. Kristen looks best in movies when she is sick or dead, her speech to motivate her army was horrible.

I. Nick Frost is a dwarf in this movie. What the fuck.

J. Here is Madonna as the Evil Queen. At :53 seconds she also turns into crows like Charlize.

K. This poster is hot.

6 responses to ““Snow White and the Huntsman” or “Charlize Theron is the Fairest in the Land Bitch!”

  1. Charlize is a less ugly version of ScarJo. Are you blind or just gay? Kristen has a lot of natural beauty and is so exotic. Better body too- got the curves Charlize lacks.

    I think you just like whatever plainfaced white women Hollywood commands you to like because you’re a sycophant who lacks taste, but will adapt when told to.

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