“Prometheus” or “All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go”- my fuckin review

Here is my movie review for “Prometheus” now read that shit. Hmmmm so this prequel to the “Alien” films starts off with two annoying scientists finding clues all over earth that point to some star system in a galaxy far the fuck away. So they are like let’s go visit that shit and they get on board a ship called the Prometheus with Michael Fassbender, the android and Charlize Theron, the bitch. My two favorite characters, maybe because I like them as actors. Weyland himself shows up in hologram form as an old man with bad makeup to give them advice. Weyland is the guy who owns the company in all the other alien movies. Now Prometheus has found the planet called LV-223 I think, NOT LV 426 (that is the planet in the other Alien movies with the eggs, and a queen and shit). They find some alien temple and go exploring and run into some space canisters, a giant head sculpture, and then some microscopic alien worms. Shit happens then insert a sketchy company plot. The android is up to no good, the NOT Aliens are up to no good, and Charlize has sex with the pilot for no reason. I think there is supposed to be tension in this movie, and it was supposed to be scary. It was not. Even the score comes across hopeful and not scary.

Ok so yes this movie is big and pretty, but that’s it. You are just sitting there and staring at the sets, landscapes and spaceships. The plot is messy and you keep waiting for a better tie in to the film “Alien”. You are having to tie that shit together for yourself in the audience by guessing at shit. A lot of the characters are annoying and you could care less who lives or dies. There are no “ALIENS” that we recognize from the Alien movies in it (which I knew going in, but you realized how much you miss those bitches in this film).  It seems like you just keep waiting on something, something that never shows up or happens. Maybe a point, maybe a scare, maybe some popcorn. Who the fuck knows. They are not even on the same planet as the other Alien films so there’s that. Weyland (Guy Pearce) was so silly looking in that old man makeup too, why not just hire, oh I don’t know, AN OLD FUCKING MAN TO PLAY THE PART! Instead of making him look like Mrs. Doubtfire. It just seems like they concentrated so much on the look of things they forgot about what made these films really cool. Ummmmm THE ALIENS, Ummm TENSION, Ummmm SCARES, Ummmm CHARACTERS, Ummmmm SCORE, Ummmm DRAMA. Seriously I wanted to like this movie, but it boils down to one question. Would I want to watch this movie again? No. I could care less to ever see it again. When you watch it ask yourself the same question. Would you be excited to watch it again? No. It’s a one time trick pony, with no memorable lines or characters. So if you like “Alien” or “Aliens” you will be bored. If you like pretty landscapes, costumes and 3D then you got that I guess. Anyway go see it and spend $19.00 bucks on an IMAX ticket or take that money and go pay for a hooker.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Don’t make a sequel.

B. Charlize Theron is the hottest bitch in space.

C. Michael Fassbender is the 2nd hottest bitch in space, but I am lost.

D. I wish this picture was what this movie was about.

E. There are no aliens that are from the other alien movies in this movie. I guess those alien eggs were on another ship.

F.  I am not afraid of a space worm.

G. Logan Marshall-Green is in this movie and he is not Tom Hardy.

H. The score was composed by Marc Streitenfeld and it was forgettable and generic and shit.

I. Sushi don’t scare me, I just get hungry.

J. Noomi Rapace bores me to tears as a hero, actor, and all around human in this movie.

K. Here is what you wish were in these movies. Save your bullshit about “Well, Ridley wanted to try something new”. Fuck you he didn’t write it. Trust me I went in with low expectations, and I knew these fucking critters were not in it, but don’t spill acid blood on my leg and tell me it’s an ALIEN movie. I didn’t realize how important they were until they were not in it.

L. Here is what you are not scared of in this movie. The Space Jockey aka Elephant man.

M. This alien from “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace shows up at the end of the movie. His name is Ratts Tyerell.

From the movie:

Deacon_prometheusmovie_still.jpg

From Star Wars:

N. The plot from this movie came from an episode of  “Star Trek: The Next Generation”. Here is the clip of it. Sorry Prometheus you ripped off Star Trek.

O. The last film I saw and liked by Ridley Scott was “Hannibal” in 2001 and that was just OK. If you had any edge you lost that shit back in 1982 Ridley.

P. Here is a link to a list of plot holes so you don’t think it’s just me being an asshole. I am not being an asshole either. I am just being honest. http://www.movieplotholes.com/prometheus.html

Q. This poster is boring to me.

6 thoughts on ““Prometheus” or “All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go”- my fuckin review

  1. i liked this movie purely for the aesthetic reasons you mention (sets, fassbender, charlize). i didn’t hate it…but it was meh. your review however might be the best thing about my experience with this movie. i probably would have seen it even after reading this review just to be able to fully appreciate the greatness.

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