Here is my review for “The Amazing Spider-Man” so read that shit. This film is a reboot of those old as hell films called “Spider-Man“, “Spider-Man 2“, and “Spider-Man 3“. It was so long ago that you may not remember them. Spider-Man 3 came out in 2007, so I seriously doubt you will remember it. Anyway this new reboot (more like remake) starts off with a little kid version of Peter Parker getting left behind by his parents to stay with his Uncle Martin Sheen and the Boniva Queen herself Aunt Sally Field. Peter grows up without parents and is now emo, and not nerdy this time around. Instead of getting picked on he takes up for nerds, then gets his ass beat up. During a beat down he meets a girl named Gwen Stefani (Emma Stone), she used to be in the band “No Doubt” but they broke up. Peter and Gwen are sweet as tea on each other. Remember emo kids can get hot dates, not nerds. So they hook up. They all end up at OSCORP where Gwen is head intern (remember she is in High School, yes, head intern at a giant company in NY and that bitch is in High School. SHUT THE FUCK UP) and Peter meets Doctor Connor, who has been working on how to cross animal DNA with human shit. There Peter is a nosey white bitch and gets broke off by a spider and then turns into Spider-man literally on the way home. He can fight and shit within minutes. He went from being emo to flyin all over the goddamn place in seconds. Later Uncle Sheen talks about being responsible and Sally takes some Boniva for her osteoporosis. Peter gets pissed and cries, then Uncle Sheen gets shot and Peter cries again. Now Peter makes a spider costume and goes out looking for the killer. Meanwhile Dr. Conner has taken some DNA juice that turns him into a CGI lizard and he starts taking a shit on the city. So Spider-Man has to shut his ass down in 3D. Ok so this movie was just okay for me, yeah it was entertaining at times I guess, but the story seemed so fast and forced you didn’t have time to get to know anyone. Although hell, you’ve just watched the last Spider-Man movie 5 years ago so I guess why waste time with developing the character all over again. We have already seen that. So fuck it I guess. Also the film started off with a few different storylines about Peter’s parents and Uncle Ben’s killer then they just dropped that shit in favor of a big action scene. Maybe those storylines will be resolved in the sequel or another reboot. The action scenes were not memorable at all and there was this weird ass scene with some cranes lining up with C. Thomas Howell that was cheesy as hell. So yeah there were a couple of cool moments and I did like Andrew and Emma the most. They were believable and seemed honest in their parts, but that was it. So if you love Spider-Man no matter what, Sally Fields looking like a witch, CGI lizards, Emo kids who skate board, and a skinny white spider ass then go see this movie. I will not own this on DVD/ Blu Ray.
A. Gurrlll you need some more Boniva!
B. Rhys Ifans played a boring ass fuckin villain as the Lizard.
C. I want to see Spider-Man going to the restroom in that fuckin suit. It’s a one-piece bitch.
D. Andrew did a good job as Spider-man and he really looked like he was in constant pain.
E. Martin Sheen looked like he was wearing a flipper. Flippers are fake teeth used to hide baby teeth that they use in the show “Toddlers and Tiaras”.
H. At one point cops are infected with Lizard juice and are turned into lizards and nothing happens with them. They just lay there. Ummm Okay.
I. Emo teary-eyed Spider man vs. Geeky nerdy caring Spider man?
J. Andrew G. has big hair.
K. I wish Spider-Man was played by Raven-Symoné.
L. I wish the poster was in the 3D.