“Total Recall” (remake) or “Total Fuckin Bore” -my fuckin review

Here is my movie review for “Total Recall“. Okay so Colin Farrell starts off with some generic action scene, and then wakes up with a new life and he can’t remember the old one. There are only 2 places to live on Earth now, Japanese Great Britain and Japanese Australia. Think Blade Runner and half the Sci-fi movies ever made. You know, Earth is a shit hole now, and there are Japanese neon symbols everywhere. Ok so Colin is fake married to Kate Beckinsale, who is a bitch. Then he goes to Rekall (it’s spelled this way) to get a new memory of a spy sex vacation that will be implanted in his head, but shit goes wrong and Jessica Biel shows up to help him. Then basically there is an hour and half of Colin and Jessica jumping from rooftops and buildings and shit. Think of it this way…. Jump, Jump, Jump, Shoot, Jump, Shoot, Shoot, Jump, Jump, Shoot, Shoot, and Robots. This movie felt like a big budget Sy-Fy channel original movie on a depressing Saturday night. Okay clearly I was bored in this generic as fuck Sci-Fi action movie. What bored me the most were the characters, they had nothing going on. They had no memorable lines, and they were like watching ply wood run around with guns. There is even a fight scene with Colin and the main bad dude, who is an old dude, and clearly no match for Colin but somehow the old dude knows Mortal Kombat moves and is stronger than Colin. This movie really is just generic pretty looking trash. Even Jessica and Kate look so similar I got them confused at times. Also this movie is PG-13 and you can tell. The 1990 version almost got an NC-17 rating because it was so violent. This one seemed edited for Television. I don’t mind remakes or reboots or whatever, but fuck give me something to work with here bitch. So if you like Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel and a lot of jumping around then this movie is for you. Count me out, I will never watch this movie again.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. There is NO mars in this movie like in the 1990 version of “Total Recall“.

B. Kate you ain’t no fuckin Sharon Stone. Matthew Lillard said it best in “Scream” at 1:50 into this video.

See what I mean.

 

C. Len Wiseman directed this movie and he also did “Underworld“, “Underworld: Evolution“, and “Live Free or Die Hard“. All these movies are a god damn mess.

D. There is a futuristic car chase scene that looked like it was from the movie “Minority Report“. SEEN IT!

E. Kate or Sharon you decide the winner. UMMMM Sharon cuz look at her god damn face.

F. The 3 boob hooker is in this movie too, but the new one was boring and forgettable. The original was like a drunk Fran Drescher. See!

G. I wish it was called “Total Free Ball”.

H. Ummmm who is selling it more?

I. The cast bored the shit out of me.

J. No Mutants. Just Robots.

K. I want a new memory implanted over the time I wasted watching this movie. A coma memory would be better.

L. This poster is cute I guess.

3 responses to ““Total Recall” (remake) or “Total Fuckin Bore” -my fuckin review

  1. these things there were those who knew the writing and you had to know how to write and it ‘now that all’ in this respect, “wrote” that are really, really sucks.

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