“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2” or “X-men Vampire Gang Bang Weekend with a CGI Baby on Top” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2“. Let me first start off by saying that after seeing this movie I have heard that this is the “Best” of the “Twilight” movies. Although that statement may be true, so is this one. I have taken 5 shits this week (there are 5 Twilight movies) and the first three shits hurt, the 4th shit burned and the 5th shit came out the easiest. My 5th shit was the best one, but in the end it was still shit. See I did the math. Okay so the story begins with Bella as a real live vampire. Now in most horror movies/ books/stories throughout Earths history this means you have a demon shacked up inside you and that you are basically evil and want to eat a bitch dead, but in Stephenie Meyer‘s (the writer) world it means you just have super powers. Bella’s husband Edward helps train her to use her new super powers and gives her contacts so that the audience doesn’t get creeped out by her new red eyes. Yes, a vampire wearing contacts so the audience doesn’t get upset over the fact that the main character is a vampire in a movie about vampires in love. Bella also has a CGI baby now named…. wait for it….Renesmee. Get real! Which is being protected by the guy Bella shit on in the last 4 films, Jacob (Taylor Lautner). Here is where it gets creepy. Jacob has “Imprinted” himself on the CGI baby, which he did to Bella in the last movies, which to me meant he was in love with her. So now his ass is in love with Bella’s baby. WHAT THE MORMON FUCK (Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon you figure it out). Somehow everything is peaches and cream and everyone is happy with all this shit. Even Bella who is now feeding on Cougars (Not Courteney Cox) and running around like THE FLASH. OH NO, I spoke to soon the HVIC- Head Vampires in Charge are pissed about this new weird ass CGI Baby and want it dead. They are also in Europe and it takes them a long time to come over to the states to try to kill the baby, so Team Cullen has time to travel around the world and recruit some other cool vampires to help take on the HVIC. Now remember being a vampire in these movies is not about drinking blood, living by night, and being undead. It’s about having super powers, so each new vampire friend has a different super power. One can shock people with electricity, one can change what you see, one can control water and dirt, and they all can run real fast like THE FLASH and can fight like they are in the movie “The Matrix“. Now it’s time for the big show down with The Cullen family (Edward, Bella, CGI BABY who is now a CGI 7-year-old, Jacob and the wolf boys, and all the X-Men vampire super friends against the HVIC, which are basically a bunch of over-the-top homosexual vampires from Europe and Dakota Fanning. The shit hits the fan and the fight is on, bodies and head are flying everywhere (no blood mind you). I was shocked. I said out loud “Finally”. Finally some real emotion and sadness in these films, with characters dying and suffering. A scene where we are finally pulled into the film for the first time to feel their pain. This feeling quickly ended for me, when they jerk the rug out from under you and leave you with shit. You will see what I mean if you ever watch it. What a fuckin let down. A shitty wimpy let down. In the end everything is wrapped up in a nice little fucking bow with a vampire cherry on top. Okay so this movie and the series is a mess and let down. This movie has nothing to do with vampires, and I am not even a fan of vampire shit. It was like watching a weird creepy X-MEN movie that let you down. I mean shit, “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” seems hard-core compared to this film, at least shit dies in that movie. This movie left me emotionless and empty and it really only had one action that could have been amazing if it had not been for the shitty twist they keep talking about be so amazing, when really it was a big let down. So if you hate vampires,  hate horror movies,  but love Stephanie Myers, Team Edward, Team Jacob, Team Bella, CGI Babies, bad wigs, a lot of fast forward running around, the super friends, Dakota Fanning not talking, CGI dogs not werewolves, and Mormons then this movie is for you. It was not for me, it was a train wreck and left me limp as a pimp without a dollar bill.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. I would rather fuck dry wall than look into Kristen Stewart dead eyes for 5 minutes in bed. Here Bella sees her Skeletor looking hands for the first time.

B. I am glad these movies are not in 3D because Robert Pattinson chin would have stabbed me in the face. Rinny Chin Chin bitch!

C. Some wolves get hurt in the movie as wolves but we never saw them in human form so I didn’t know who they were and didn’t care if they lived or died. I shouldn’t have to watch the first 4 movies again before I go into to see the 5th movie for it to make sense to me.

D. Dakota Fanning literally said one word in this movie. ONE WORD! Probably your best actor in the film had one word.

E. My 2 favorite X-Men vampire superfriends were Vladimir (Noel Fisher) and Benjamin (Rami Malek).

F. Everyone looks like they are wearing wigs in these movies.

G. Look how creepy! A fuckin dead eyed CGI-ed baby.

H. Somebody buy this bitch a Vampire movie or book.

I. HAHAHA Bella Cougar attack.

J. Haha Vampire mormon family values.

K. If this is what love looks like then I have never experienced it before.

L. No blood in a vampire movie? Hahaha get real.

M. The HVIC shop at Hot Topics.

N. This fuckin queen!

O. Edward’s dick is cold. Bella’s Vagina is cold. You can keep them both.

P. If I was a vampire I would eat all these people.

Q. Tyra Banks shows up as an X-Men Vampire also.

R. Hey, If I look for a new job can you help fill out a new Renesmee to hand out to jobs to read.

S. Run bitch!

2 responses to ““The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2” or “X-men Vampire Gang Bang Weekend with a CGI Baby on Top” my fuckin review

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