“The Hobbit” or “Get Outta My Troll Hole”- my fuckin review

My review for “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” I hope you enjoy. Okay so the story starts off with a dwarf prologue, so that you don’t get lost or bored cuz it was big and actiony. An old ass Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) is telling the story to us and to Frodo (Elijah Wood). Now we are back in time, before the “The Lord of the Rings” movies, to the shire (where the Hobbits have sex). Bilbo is young again and Gandolf comes over to his crib to meet him and talk to him about joining an adventure with his magical ass. Gandolf tells a shit load of dwarves to come overe and they end up hanging out at Bilbo’s house for what felt like an hour. The dwarves sing 2 songs, danced and then threw plates around. I guess that was for the kiddies in the audience. Are there kids in the audience? Anyway so Bilbo decides to join the dwarves on their adventure. Which I think means to go find and kill this dragon who stole the dwarves gold. On the way there they run into demons and another wizard with bird shit on his head (I’m serious), troll holes, and elves. Cate B. shows up again and moves around in slow motion. Hugo Weaving gives you some important information. Then they fight some fat ass Troll and don’t pay the troll toll. In the end Bilbo exchanges riddles with Gollum and steals his ring. There are 2 more movies still to come. Let’s be real, this one could have been cut in half, but I still liked it, even though I thought this movie had a lot of silly dwarf parts in it. I did like the action and the elf shit that was going down. I also think that they are stretching these new 3 movies out a bit, because it only comes from one fuckin book. It really did feel long and stretched thin at times, but when the shit started going down at the end of the film it did get more exciting. I guess I just want more epic and big ass battle scenes from my hobbits. That beginning and set up was so lonnnnng and sloooowwwww, like I said, you will enjoy it, but I don’t feel like I would watch this film again. Just so you know I really enjoyed watching and re-watching  the last two films “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” and “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King“. Maybe I’m not into set up films. So if you love dwarves, hobbits, Peter Jackson, wizards, demons, and Cate Blanchett then you will love this movie. I say you should see that shit at least once so you can prepare for the next two films “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” and “The Hobbit: There and Back Again“. PS I didn’t see this movie in 48 frames, I saw it in IMAX. We thought that shit was going to be 48 frames but it was not. I wanted to see it that way but we fucked up. Oops.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. They said “Hobbit Hole” and “Troll Hole” in this movie.

B. There was a Scrooge McDuck sized pile of gold in this movie that a dragon dove into.

C. The dwarves were too silly. At times it felt like more of a kids movie to me.

D. Gollum looked real as fuck. Andy Serkis makes that shit real.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

E. There was this cool as fuck Rock Lord battle in the movie. It reminded of the main titles for this.

F. Gandalf (Ian McKellen) the most powerful gay wizard in Middle Earth.

hob

G. There were some giant eagles that showed up, but they didn’t talk. I was hoping they sounded like sority girls.

H. I like those big ass fight scenes with trolls and demons and shit.

I. Cate Blanchett moves in slow motion. She is of magic.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

J. Trolls are ugly.

K. Hugo Weaving always makes sense to me in everything.

guillermo_del_toro_13629

L. I want to see this dragon they keep talking about and please let it talk.

M. Christopher Lee is old as hell, but is still going.

N. This is the most disturbing poster I have ever seen. It looks like a Muppets poster.

hobbit-dwarves-poster

2 thoughts on ““The Hobbit” or “Get Outta My Troll Hole”- my fuckin review

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s