“Les Misérables” or “Les Long Ass Movie That Makes No Sense”- my fuckin review

Here is my movie review for “Les Misérables“. Okay so the film starts off with John Bear John (Hugh Jackman) in a prison for stealing some bread and he sings about it. Then he gets out and gets put on parole and sings about it. Then he says fuck parole, changes his name, opens up a factory and sings about it. He then runs into Fanta Grape (Anne Hathaway), who I think has tuberculosis, and she is broke as fuck. She has a daughter named Corset, cuts her own hair off, pulls her own teeth out, and spreads her  own legs all for money and all while singing. Fanta dies of something, maybe tuberculosis (everyone dies of that shit back then), and Jean Paul Gaultier (Hugh Jackman) promises to raise her daughter. He runs into his old Prison Warden Russell Crowe and says he will turn himself in to him because that is the honorable thing to do but does not. I guess he is not honorable. He says that shit like 5 times throughout the movie. He NEVER turns himself in. They sing about it to each other constantly. Later John Wayne (Hugh Jackman) goes to get Corset from Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen) and Bellatrix Lestrange (Helena Bonham Carter), who are annoying trash cans that sing. Now it’s the future and Johnny B. Good (Hugh Jackman) and Corset are older and still on the hide from the police, but yet they still live in the same fuckin city as the warden. You would think they would move out of the country. Now the French revolution is breaking off and Corset walks by this dude and they literally fall in love. THEY WALK BY EACH OTHER AND THEY FALL IN LOVE! WHAT THE FUCK! TALK ABOUT TRASHY! So now they want to get married or whatever and they sing about it. Then some people get shot while singing, Russell “the warden” Crowe comes back and kills himself for no reason, and Hugh Jackman dies from heart-break just like Natalie Portman did in “Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith“. All while singing. Okay so I tried to like this movie, but it was so long and boring I almost died of tuberculosis. Maybe it was meant for the stage and doesn’t transfer to film very well. Then they need to keep that shit on the stage then. Just so you know there is no dialogue in the film (yes, I know it’s a fuckin musical, but if your film is put together and the shit ain’t working out, then add some god damn dialogue) and they literally sing about everything. I went to the bathroom during the film and sang about pissing while I was pissing. Okay I think the problem is that some people coming in have seen the play and some people have not. I know nothing of the play, so it is the job of the Director to make you feel part of the story emotionally and also entertain you. This did not happen. I just stared at the screen and was lost. You just feel as miserable as the cast. The best part of the film was Anne singing her song, but she was not in the movie long to even give a shit about her character. I wish they would have stretched her character out longer. Yes, oh my fuckin god, change the precious play. I also saw 20 commercials prior to the film about how they sang everything live as they filmed it and they did not record it in a studio later, but honestly it wouldn’t have mattered. I don’t think the audience would have cared either way. In fact if they had not beat us over the head with the commercials saying they did it that way nobody would have even known. So if you love Hugh Jackman, non stop singing, Anne’s TB look, the French, depression, being miserable, people killing themselves, and Helena B. Carter playing the same character again then this is the movie for you. It was not for me. I will never watch this again. No, I didn’t hate it. Just like I don’t hate sleeping either. Maybe the play is better, but now because of the film I have no interest in seeing the play.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. The best part was Anne Hathaway as Fantine, but I didn’t feel any emotion toward her character because she is barely in it. You don’t know her well enough to cry for her. She is there and gone in a second.

Les-Miserables-poster-Anne-Hathaway

B. I want to see Anne as Catwoman singing that shit.

C. The title is true; everyone in this movie is depressed and miserable. Also over dramatic.

D. I am over these douche bags. Not the characters, the actors. Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter.

LES-MISERABLES-Sacha-Baron-Cohen-Helena-Bonham-Carter-535x792

E. I’d rather watch Grease.

F. I feel like I have tuberculosis now.

G. Russell you are trash and made the movie even worse. Your singing voice sounds like a cat being strangled while taking a shit.

russell-crowe-les-miserables1

H. The French revolution seems really dramatic and a wall full of bootleg ass kitchen doors will not stop a cannon bitch.

I. PS I like musicals, just not this one.

J. Jean Valjean blow Job mouth. Don’t say you are going to turn yourself in every 10 minutes and don’t. Just say “fuck you” and move out of the country.

LesMiserables

K. Someone was dragged through shit during a scene in the movie. You figure it out.

L. I downloaded the Anne track about dreaming. It really was the best part.

M. I have seen the plays “Phantom of the Opera”, “Wicked”, and “Cats”. I liked those. Just in case you were wondering if I have ever been to plays before. Just in case you were going to attack me for not liking this fuckin movie bitch.

N. It looks better with Dakota Fanning on the poster.

les-mis-poster copy

3 thoughts on ““Les Misérables” or “Les Long Ass Movie That Makes No Sense”- my fuckin review

  1. The film starts off with 100 men in knee deep water tugging hawsers to tow a huge ship into a dry dock. Don’t they understand you can’t float a ship in knee deep water?

  2. You’ve summarised all my disappointment of the film. This is a disaster and a waste of the cast. & it managed to get worse and worse with every minute dragged on! I feel like they are trying to squeeze a musical into the big screen by getting actors who cant sing to sing every single word they have to say! I am not touched by any of the characters nor any scenes. & what’s with the British accent?!

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