“Beautiful Creatures” or “A Country Witch Will Survive”- My Fuckin review

Here is my review for the movie “Beautiful Creatures“. Witches are hot in 2013. Okay so the movie starts in a small southern town with this country dude named Ethan. He is bored and dreams of some witch bitch named Lena,  that eventually shows up in his class and blows the windows out when some snobby religious bitches make fun of her. He digs her and then tries to be her friend. She is not gothy or anything she is just “Whatever” to shit, and he is just a nice guy who smiles and giggles a lot. He also has a best friend named Link who is cool. He and the girl start getting along and she finally comes out of the closet as a “Caster”, she doesn’t like being called a witch. He is cool with it, and still likes her. I mean shit who wouldn’t be cool, whatever I will date a witch. They go on some normal dates and chill with Link.  Then Ethan meets her witch family at dinner, and all hell breaks loose when the dinner table starts spinning around in circles because of her witch bitch cousin. She is coming of age and on her birthday she could turn bad or good. Honestly though if I was at a table that starting spinning around I would either be laughing my ass off or throwing up. Lena’s cousin and her mother Emma Thompson want her on their side bad, which is the evil side. The witch shit hits the fan in the end with an interesting and not predictable or cheesy ending. Okay so oddly enough I enjoyed this film. It was not Twilighty at all because the characters seemed like real people and talked and laughed. You know, like real people do. They weren’t moody sticks of wood. I actually liked the main characters. You could see yourself hanging out with them and not stabbing them in the face. Even their friend Link seemed like a real person and someone you would know. The southern witches were fun and over-the-top, and you could tell the actors had fun with their parts, and didn’t take is so seriously. There are some parts that didn’t make a lot of sense, but I mean shit there are witches running around so whatever. In the end it was fun and entertaining and I didn’t hate it. I laughed at the jokes and the silly real-ness of the characters. So if you like witches, bitches, silly southern characters, Link, Emma Thompson, Jeremy Irons, and spells then this is the movie for you. I ain’t buying it, but it was fun to watch.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Witches are more interesting than vampires.

B. Calling a witch a “Witch” is like the “N” word to them. They want to be called Casters.

C. Alden Ehrenreich was the most real love interest I have seen in a film like this ever. He was silly, funny and simple country. That’s real. He was not sad, depressed or brooding.

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D. Witch Bitch (Emmy Rossum).

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E. The Director Richard LaGravenese also made “P.S. I Love You“.

F. Link (Thomas Mann) was like a 2013 version of Duckie from “Pretty in Pink“.

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G. A witch will turn your ass into a Toad.

H. Emma Thompson was drunk while filming this movie. Look.

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J. New witches don’t use brooms but will spin a table around like Merry Go Round.

K. Larkin (Kyle Gallner) should have had a bigger part.

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L. “Beautiful Creatures” is a horrible title. I hate it. Also nobody was that beautiful in it. Which is what I liked about it.

M. When witches eat dinner the table spins in a circle. I would have shit in my chair.

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N. There is a lot of people in this poster.

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