“G.I. Joe: Retaliation” or “G.I. Hoe: Military Masturbation” my fuckin review

Here is my movie review for “G.I. Joe: Retaliation“. Ok so the film starts off and some of the Joes are on a mission. Channing Tatum (Duke) and The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson (Roadblock), Flint (D.J. Cotrona), Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) and Mouse (Joseph Mazzello) are all grabbing some defector from some bad guys. They think they have won but The President of the U.S. is still a bad guy named Zartan from part 1. He orders the Joes terminated! Now The Rock, Lady Jaye and Flint are on the run and try to figure out why the President is a douche, while Snake Eyes and a ninja chick named Jinx go after Storm Shadow, who has already freed Cobra Commander. They decide to call in the first G.I. Joe who happens to be Bruce Willis. Now the party is started with everyone fucking everyone’s shit up. Another bad dude called Firefly shows up with Cobra Commander and they have some tanks and shit. England gets shut down and the Joes are pissed as fuck. Will the Joes be able to stop Cobra Commander? Will Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes finally admit they are in love? Why is The Rock so fuckin huge? Okay so I did have fun watching this movie. Did I love it? No, but it was fun for G.I. Joe fans. I love seeing these characters walking around in the world wearing their fucked up costumes like it was normal. I pray to live in that world one day. Honestly all their costumes were legit and nothing looked cheesy. I would wear any of that shit to McDonalds. The story was on the right path but got lost somewhere along the way, and their were a lot of hokey ass lines. Some fight scenes were cool, but that shit could have been more original. Most of the action scenes were generic. The score was a mess and cheesy. Part 1’s (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra) score was amazing. The ending was a little flat and should have been more of a huge fuckin over-the-top battle. Not an attack on South Carolina. Overall it was a fun watch and they tried but no cigars today. So if you love G.I. Joe cartoons, Channing T., The Rock, Bruce Willis, shit blowing up, Ninjas, and England collapsing then this is the movie for you. I had fun watching it, but that was all. Yo Joe I go for the military fashion and costumes. TOO HOT! If you ain’t into G.I. Joe then skip it, or if you are into it too much then skip it too.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Cobra Commander literally sounded like Jigsaw from the “Saw” movies. It was stupid and his voice took me out of his character when he spoke. His costume was tight as fuck though.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION

Listen to the cartoons version of Cobra Commanders voice. Now this is incredible.

B. Jon M. Chu directed this movie. (Justin Bieber: Never Say NeverStep Up 2: The StreetsStep Up 3DThe LXD: The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers). Flint looked like he was dancing when he fought.

C. Mouse was played by Joseph Mazzello from “Jurassic Park“.

joe-mazzello-gi-joe-retaliation-mouse-still

joseph-mazzello-as-tim-murphy-in-jurassic

D. At one point The Rock said he got recruited in the hood.

E. I love actor Jonathan Pryce he played the President.

F. Snake Eyes looks a million times better in this movie. Part one there was some weird ass mouth thing on his mask. This time there was a screen covering that shit. So much better! I hope Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow start dating in part 3.

386686_10151181688907344_1619667512_n

G. Byung-hun Lee is gold as Storm Shadow. He sells it. The movie should really just focus on him. Byung-Hun is the best actor in this film.

gi-joe-retaliation-picture02_1357993783

H. The coolest scene in the movie was this ninja fight scene. Here it is.

I. Channing Tatum as Duke. I mean shit he is funny, whatever.

J. I long for a world where I see shit like this walking down the fuckin street.

GI-Joe-Retaliation-photo-courtesy-Paramount-Pictures

K. The score was composed by Henry Jackman (Kick-AssX-Men: First ClassAbraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter). His shit is a little generic. Part 1’s (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra) score was a million times better by Alan Silvestri.

L. RZA plays Jinx’s blind Ninja Master.

M. Flint is in the middle. Lady Jaye and Jinx’s characters were boring and just there for their looks. They could have been played more cool.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION

Flint in the cartoon.

hqdefault

N. Raven-Symoné should have played Jinx.

625

O. Bruce Wills looks like the star in this movie, but The Rock and Stormshadow were on-screen the most.

gijoe-international-watermark-jpg_163728

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s