“EVIL DEAD” (2013) or “Blood, Guts and Gore But Not Much More” -my fuckin review

Here is my movie review for the remake/reboot of “Evil Dead“. Let me start off by saying this first. I don’t mind remakes or reboots, and I like the original “The Evil Dead“, but I don’t love it. So I have no super loyalty to the original. Okay so the movie starts off with some chick who is possessed by a demon/demons. They shut her down in this creepy ass cabin, and then we cut to the main characters. Some dudes and some chicks who are taking this one girl to the creepy ass cabin so she can get off heroin cold turkey style. Then they find a cellar/basement door with blood all over it and decide to go down into it. There they find a bunch of dead animals and a satanic book with a cover made of flesh. They decide to stay and read from the book that is covered in flesh and all hell breaks loose. Later there is wall to wall blood, body parts, demons, and guts. Okay so I wanted to love this movie, but didn’t. The gory shit was realistic and cool, and there were some scares here and there but the characters were a snooze. All the main “Human” actors were boring as fuck, and I can’t even remember their character names or anything important/memorable they said. Here is the thing, with most horror movies you have a monster and main human characters. The human characters are basically half the movie, and if you don’t like them or want to hang out with them, then you don’t care if they live or die. I don’t hang out with boring ass people and I don’t want to in a movie either. Give me some people I dig or can relate to then we will cheer or cry for them. The score was just okay and not very memorable (PS I listen and love scores to horror movies so this is not just a bullshit review comment).  There was also a lot of talk about them only using practical effects in this movie and no CGI. I’m not sure where that shit came from because CG was all in it. Not that I have a problem with CGI, it was just sold to me as a no CGI flick or some shit, and it was all in it. In case you are wondering the CGI looked fine and was probably needed, but don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining bitch. If you go see this movie then just ride the ride, don’t over think it or expect to like the characters. You will just get blood thrown in your face for a few hours. I wish it was a ride at a theme park more, that way we don’t need to care about characters or why they are doing what they are doing. So if you love blood, gore, demons, creepy ass cabins, more blood, guts, bloody puke, and are anti drugs then this movies is for you. If you are in love with the original Evil Dead you probably will not like it. If you want memorable characters that make smart decisions then you will not either. You should still go try it out because you may be scared. The girl behind me sounded like she was having a fuckin orgasm every time and arm fell off. That was hot and funny. I will not be buying this movie on Blu Ray when it comes out.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Fede Alvarez directed this movie. He has only done some short films and it was Produced by Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi. The blood and gore looked amazing and if you are in to that then you should check this film out ASAP. It was one of the gorier movies I have seen in a while. I loved that part of it.

B. If your sister looks like this then she is a demon and you should kill her. Don’t feel bad about it bitch.

img_189297_evil-dead-2013-red-band-trailer-2-hd

C. At one point the demon called a girl “A pathetic junkie” HAHA are you kidding me, is this an insult? If you call me pathetic I will laugh in your face. The demon sounded like your grandmother getting on to you. Give me a break.

D. The demons would also do “Human fake outs” (when a demon looks human again and tries to make you feel sorry for the human it is inside). If you are all fucked up and killing people and have demon eyes then turn back to “Normal” for a second I will not hear you. I will still kill you fast as fuck! FUCK YOU DEMON! In this movie they are always pausing and listening to the fuckin demons. They did it at the end of Mortal Kombat the movie too. Shang Tsung turned into Liu Kangs little brother right in front of him and Liu Kang fell for that shit too. Turn into my sister or brother and I will kill you faster.

EXAMPLE:

Demon- “Wait it’s me your sister I love you”.

Dude- “Sister is that you”.

Demon- “Roarrrr I tricked you.”

Me- “Haha Shittttttt”

E. If you come at me like this I will beat you over the fuckin head.

85-evil-dead-redband-trailer-2

F. I really did love all the gore, but that’s all there is. Here is a pic of the boring cast.

New Cast

Shiloh Fernandez;Lou Taylor Pucci;Jessica Lucas

Old Cast

the-evil-dead-1981-pictureYou decide who was cooler?

G. WARNING! Here are some things you need to know in life!

1. Don’t stay in a creepy ass cabin with dead animals in the basement.

2. Don’t go into that basement when there is blood on the door.

3. Don’t read from a satanic book covered in flesh.

4. If your friend is killing people and has creepy ass eyes then they are no longer your friend. Kill them.

5. Don’t talk to demons like you are old friends.

6. If you want to scare me, using the word “pathetic” will not do that.

7. Go to a rehab clinic not a creepy ass cabin to get off drugs.

H. The score was composed by Roque Baños (The MachinistSexy Beast). It was forgettable. Here is a sample.

I. The book even said “Leave this book alone”. This shit worked in the 80’s but we are too smart for this shit in 2013.

Evil-Dead-wallpaper-13

I. Memorable teens or cast is very important in a horror movie. Think about your favorite horror movies, now think about the humans in it. You love them too. Horror is not just about the monster, but who the monster is hurting.

J. This scene happened early in the movie. This is when I would have killed that bitch dead.

Jane-Levy-in-Evil-Dead-2013-Movie-Image5

K. Stay til the end of the credits for a surprise.

L. This poster bores me. Although I like her boots.

Evil-Dead-Remake-Poster-610x901[3]

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