“You’re Next” or “When Stupid Ass Rich White People Get Attacked”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for the movie “You’re Next“. Okay I wanted to see this movie even though it looked like the movie “The Strangers” and felt like it should have been made in the early 1990’s. The movie starts off with a rich white couple driving to their big ass mansion to stay in that shit for the weekend or something. On the way there they talk about it being secluded and only having one neighbor. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Then when they get to their front door it’s unlocked, but they are pretty cool with this. I would call the police. Then later they hear noises upstairs and get over it fast when their sons, daughters, husbands and wives start showing up. Then they decide to eat a big ass family dinner at the table and bitch at each other until these dudes wearing cat and sheep masks show up.  The cat dudes start shooting arrows through the windows. One girl steps up and knows what to do because her daddy was a doomsday prepper or some shit. She is dodging arrows and being smart about it one minute then the rest of the film she is poking her head out the fuckin windows. Guess she forgot about all those arrows. Let’s pause right here for a second. They have set this rich white bitch up to be a survivalist, which is cool, but then she does the opposite every time. I forgive the other dumb ass white characters in the film because they are not into survival. This girl is presented to us as being a smart fighter and then she does dumb ass shit. If she was just a normal girl, then I would forgive her characters mistakes. Meanwhile back to the movie. Later more people die by cat/lamb mask people, and they literally die in the next fucking room. Then the stupid ass rich people act like the killers are not in there still. What the fuck is happening? Your rich momma just got murdered and you saw the fuckin killer and you run to the next room and just chill like they will not follow you. They don’t hide or even discuss that shit. It’s like “Oh she dead, fuck her, and surely we are safe now”. UMMMMMMMM Bitch! In the end you find out why this dumb ass rich white family is being attacked and the reason it’s boring and predictable. You don’t however find out why they are writing “You’re Next” on the walls like crazy serial killers would. I guess it was for laughs, but ain’t nobody laughing bitch. So if you are into movies that you have felt like you’ve seen 10 times already, bad dialogue, characters that don’t make sense, rich white people, stupid rich white people, arrows, animal masks, and a twist that is not a twist unless you are watching a TV show from the 90’s then this is the movie for you. I was bored and 15 minutes in I wanted them all to die.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Hey you holding an axe in the window can’t beat a bow and arrow. Get out of the windows bitch.

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B. Adam Wingard (V/H/S segment “Tape 56”, The ABCs of Death segment “Q Is for Quack”, V/H/S/2 segment “Phase I Clinical Trials”) directed this. He bores me as a director and his work seems like it should have been made in the early 90’s. It was written by Simon Barrett. Same thing for him.

C. A scared rich white bitch.

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D. If you are rich and own a mansion then get a security alarm.

E. Two more scared rich white bitches.

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F. Proof! I made this in 1998. Notice all the hard plastic animal masks. That shit ain’t scary. Silly at best.

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G. If you are rich then get a panic room. I wish I had one today.

H. If you are rich and white, your kids are probably spoiled rotten and hate you.

I. You can’t shoot arrows with accuracy while wearing these animal masks.

J. Director Ti West makes an appearance in this movie as one of the family members. The films he directs are amazing. This one was not.

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K. Their cell phones didn’t work because the killers had some sort of cell phone jamming device. I’m serious. They said you could buy it at Radio Shack or some shit. I have yet to see one. If you know where to get one then let me know.

L. “Filmed in 2011 and shown in a couple of film festivals, but not given a wide release until August 2013”- IMDB.com.  Hmmmmmmm yep.

M. I’m tired of seeing dumb ass white people getting attacked and doing stupid shit. This is similar to the movie “The Strangers”. They just say and do stupid shit all through it. These films are supposed to be reality based. You are getting attacked by another human with a weapon. It’s not monsters, demons, or ghosts. It’s another human. Yes, if it’s a monster then yeah what the fuck can you do. Monsters and demons you are just fucked. This is just another human. Maybe people really are just a bunch of dumb asses. I don’t blame a girl for investigating a strange ghost noise, but there are people shooting bow arrows through windows, or knocking at your door wearing as mask at 3am like in “The Strangers”.

N. This is not scary. Maybe in the 90’s or in a Nine Inch Nails music video.

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4 thoughts on ““You’re Next” or “When Stupid Ass Rich White People Get Attacked”- my fuckin review

  1. I think you can buy a cell phone jammer online from an international store, they’re “illegal” to use in the U.S., but I know a few people with some. You can’t buy them at radioshack or in the U.S. though, I’m pretty sure.

  2. Your review is the funniest shit . Thank You. After fI inally finished with watching this movie, I googled “You’re Next” + “stupid.” I started to watch this on netflix yet the characters were so insipid I had to continuously pause …I think they were aiming for hysterics but It took me to days of pausing to get through it. the best thing good about this movie is the Dwight Twilley band song “looking for the magic.”

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