“Carrie” 2013 or “New Carrie, You Eat Shit” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Carrie” 2013. I’m a fan of the old “Carrie” (1976), but not because it’s scary or some shit. I love it because of its characters. They are fun, bitches and amazing. Okay so the new Carrie starts off with Margaret White (Julianne Moore) giving birth to Carrie at home alone. She thought she was dying and didn’t know her ass was pregnant. She is a religious nut. Okay cut to later and Carrie (Chloë Grace Moretz) is in High School bleeding in the shower from a period. The girls are bitches and throw tampons at her head, and film it. Yes, it goes on YouTube. If I had seen this I would have filmed it and uploaded it to YouTube, Snapchat, Vimeo, and Instagram. Call me a dick head I guess. All the bitches get in trouble and have to exercise after school for a punishment or else they can’t go to prom. Exercise is a good thing though right? One bitch named Chris Hargensen (Portia Doubleday) says fuck that and splits. Now her ass can’t go to the prom and she hates Carrie for it. Meanwhile Carrie is learning that she has powers (like X-Men or some shit). She enjoys it and is experimenting. Then a nice girl named Sue Snell (Gabriella Wilde) gets her man Tommy Ross (Ansel Elgort) to ask Carrie to prom to be cool and Carrie says fuck it and goes with him. There Billy Nolan (Alex Russell) and Chris Hargensen throw blood on her ass, and Carrie pops off. Okay so this is a remake and very close to the original. What it lacks is memorable characters. The original Carrie’s story has been used a million different ways in movies and TV shows since 1976. So people have not forgotten about the original. The original had memorable characters that have been stapled into our fuckin brains over the years and they were amazing too. So even though Julianne and Chloe came in to play those parts they still bused their asses. I love both those actors by the way, and it didn’t even matter. They are forgettable in these roles. Everyone in the cast is forgettable in the new movie. You really just sat their quoting the original and wishing you were just watching that one and wondering why this new Carrie was so pretty. Sissy Spacek was homely and you bought that shit. Chloe would be the most popular fucking girl in that school. Not an outcast. She is banging and has powers! Ummmmm yeah right. The new Carrie loves that she has powers and treats them like X-Men powers. Like they are cool and shit. When she pops off at the prom she is aware that she is killing people and even flying. Sissy played it like her brain broke and she was fucked out of her mind. Sissy’s Carrie didn’t know what she was even doing really. That makes sense. Chloe’s Carrie is a like a fucking super hero or some shit. If you play it like you are in X-Men how am I suppose to be scared of that shit. I want to be up in that shit. This movie is a forgettable let down. It really is just a mess and why even make it. I am not against the remake, but this one served no purpose, but to make you want to buy the old one on Blu Ray.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Chloe is too pretty to play a plain Jane girl. She would have been the most popular girl in the fuckin school. Sissy looked homely and shit. Which is believable for a girl that is picked on.

Hot

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B. The new Chris Hargensen sucked. Here is a video of the old Chris play by Nancy Allen. She was fuckin amazing. I mean shit you be the judge.

New Chrishqdefault

Old ChrisMV5BMTc3NTU3MjQ0Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDI0MTU0NA@@._V1._SX640_SY430_

C. I’m meaner than the new Chris Hargensen in my fuckin sleep. She sucked.

D. This film was directed by Kimberly Peirce (Boys Don’t CryThe L Word).

E. Where the fuck was Norma! Was her character even in this movie? FUCK YOU! P.J. Soles was amazing in the old Carrie.

norma

F. Sorry Julian Moore, Piper Laurie had this role on lock. Watch this video to prove my point.

NEW

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OLD

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G. The blood looked fake in the new one.

H. The Original 1976 Trailer

I. The new Tommy Ross was okay but he is not memorable at all. The old Tommy Ross (William Katt) you will never forget.

New

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Old

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J. The score was a let down too, I usually love Marco Beltrami’s work. The original score was amazing and fucked up by Pino Donaggio.

Listen to the old jam by Pino if you don’t believe me.

K. Cute poster

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