“The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” or “The Hobbit: Where The Dragon Stay?”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug“. The trolls are back with an all-new adventure; just kidding they are still walking to get to that fuckin dragon. So the story begins with more walking with the trolls and Gandalf, their first stop is spooky spider woods. There giant spiders fuck their shit up. Where The Dragon Stay? Luckily they are rescued by elves and then taken to elf land where they are locked up for being trolls. I agree with that. Where The Dragon Stay? They eventually escape and go on a wild ride down a river for 15 minutes or so and get all wet. Where The Dragon Stay? Then end up in a shitty floating town called Sweet Haven with Popeye. In the end they finally get to the dragon, and then as the dragon starts to pop off and head to Sweet Haven the movie ends. Once again you have to wait to see the dragon do anything cool in part 3. So yeah this movie was just okay for me, I really did think this movie was going to be about a pissed off dragon and it was not. I mean the title of the movie is called “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug”. The Dragon’s name is Smaug and the word “Desolation” means the act or an instance of desolating. That was not in this movie. The barrel ride scene was fun, and its Hobbit world shit so you like it for that I guess. Is it amazing? No. Is it long? Yes. Is it boring? Yes. Is there enough of the dragon’s ass? No. I do love the first “Lord of the Rings” films and I can see why Peter Jackson skipped over these stories and went to the Lord of the Rings instead. Those are more complex and interesting. This one is like walking 3 hours to get to a zoo, and by the time you get there you are tired and could care less about the fuckin monkeys and shit. You just want a blueberry snow cone and a bathroom to throw up in. So if you love Peter Jackson, elves, spiders, little people, talking dragons, Thunder River at Six Flags, and long walks then this is the movie for you. I will never sit through this again. I’m tired from all that walking. I say wait for Blu Ray or Netflix and pretend it’s a TV series and watch 30 minutes a day. I also saw this move in the new HFR 3D (High Frame Rate) format. It was shit and it’s like watching a live BBC Broadcast of a school play about the Renaissance period. See it in 2D, regular 3D, Imax, RPX, or and iPhone.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. The Dragon in Dragon heart was better.

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B. I literally thought that the chick elf in this movie was the same actor and character as the elf from the “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” movies. Until my friend Max told me after the movie ended “Eddie that was the girl from the TV Show Lost, not Liv”. WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! I swear I thought she just didn’t age or some shit.

Evangeline Lilly elf.

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Liv Tyler as elf.

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C.  The voice of the dragon should have been voiced by Raven-Symoné. She would have sold it.

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D. Thunder River at Six Flags. Been there and got wet.

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E. I am glad the spiders talked. I love talking animals in movies and in real life (WHATTTTTTTTT?).

F. The queen of elves.

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G. Sweat Haven

H. I want to see Gandalf and Bilbo make out in the next movie “The Hobbit: There and Back Again“. OH MY GOD this is the title for the third movie are they fucking kidding me. Once we get there we got to walk back with their asses. Fuck this!

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I. The score was forgettable and boring.

J. This poster is busy.

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