“Nymphomaniac: Vol. 1 and Vol. 2” or “Shia’s Dick” my fuckin review

Here is my review for “Nymphomaniac: Vol. I and Nymphomaniac: Vol. II“. Okay so this is a Lars von Trier (Melancholia, Antichrist. etc.) film. So get ready for the real fucked up deal. His shit ain’t PG. Okay so this movie is about a girl named Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) who is a Nymphomaniac. It’s about her life and how hard it is dealing with the fact that she is nympho. She has sex like 10 times a day but never really enjoys it. Its nuts. She meets Shia LaBeouf one day and they start banging and fall in love, but he can’t have sex 10 times a day so she looks elsewhere, and he tries to be okay with it. Joe is telling her life story to this man who is asexual (not interested in sex with anyone), so her stories aren’t turning him on. You see Joe’s ass do all kinds of crazy shit throughout her life. It really is interesting and entertaining to watch. No, not because people are having sex. Sex is normal and people have it, grow up bitch. Yes, it is graphic and you see Shia’s ding ding, and Joe’s hootie cootie, but their story is interesting and sad. I fell like all Lars Vin Trier movies make me nervous and even a little scared because you have no fuckin idea what is coming next. Shit, horror directors should watch his films and take a lesson on how to scare people. There is also a part one and part two to this film, but I watched it in a big ass 4 hour block. I guess people will watch this film hoping to get to see some “acceptable porn”. This is not porn, its sex and the issues that revolve around it. Yes, there is a shit load of nudity, but check this out, you naked to sometimes! Shia’s character is English in this movie and honestly is believable and you forget he is Shia. Uma Thurman and Jamie Bell are both amazing in this movie and you will love them both in it. So if you love Lar Von Trier, talking about sex, watching sex, Shia’s dick, Christian Slater, relationships, real talk, and over sexed people then this is the movie for you. I enjoyed it and you probably will too for many different reasons. I also loved the ending it was fucked up and real. So watch with your kids and grandparents and hide a camera so we can see their faces.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Lars von Trier is interesting and keeps shit weird and real.

B. Shia playing with his ding ding.

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C. Sex is not a big deal. It happens or people want it to happen. Don’t be embarrassed about it or thinking about it.

D. Shia with a bag on his head.

tumblr_n0uudmQBmO1r2igm4o1_500E. Jamie Bell is great in everything. He is always interesting and convincing.  Also no he is naked in this.

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F. Here is the cleaned up version of Shia’s sex scene. You see a lot more in the movie.

G. Uma Thurman was amazing and funny in this and I love her. No she was not naked in this.

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H. The main character had to have sex 10 times a day. I would die. Being a Nymphomaniac is hard and sad. This should have been her theme song by PEACHES.

I. There is a lot of nudity in this movie, but you are naked every time you get dressed or take a bath. Get passed it. Here is the director Lars.

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J.Willem Dafoe is forever nasty!

K. This poster is great.

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