“Transformers: Age of Extinction” or “Michael Bay Is The Worst Director On Earth” – My fuckin review

Here is my review for “Transformers: Age of Extinction“. Okay this is the 4th Michael Bay Transformers movie. The film starts off in America, and its amber waves of grain. Mark Wahlberg and his shitty bunch live in Texas. He loves his daughter, who shows off her ass a lot, and that is about it. Wahlberg is an inventor (they say this shit repeatedly for some reason) and is poor (They say this a lot too). Cut to more heartland of America shots. Wahlberg eventually finds a dead Optimus Prime inside a movie theatre. What nowwww? I think he was killed by humans after the 3rd movie. Then the daughter says “daddddd”. Wahlberg brings Optimus back to life and then helps him escape from the Government, not to be confused with America’s amber waves. The Government is evil in this movie and Bay makes them look like terrorists in the entire movie. America good, Government bad. You figure out this shitty message. Cut to more headland of America shots and Daughter saying “Dadddd” again. They join up with another dumb ass character who is the daughter’s secret boyfriend. The rest of the film is Wahlberg and the boyfriend arguing over who loves his stupid ass daughter more. I am serious. They both talk about how hot she is. Yes, the dad too. Also it’s 2 hours and 45 minutes long. SOOOOO you hate them all by the end of the movie. Now the daughter yells for her boyfriend. Later this rich guy shows up. He makes technology and computers and shit  and has figured out how to make a Transformer. They are made out of Transformium. Yes, say that word again. It is the stupidest shit I have heard this year. Did anyone write this movie at all? Cut to more Heartland of America footage. There is a bounty hunter transformer named Lock Down that is after Optimus, and has made a deal with the humans to find him. I am not sure why he made a deal with humans, when he has all these soliders and big ass ship. Cut to daughters ass. Now Galvatron shows up, he was made by humans, and doesn’t transform. He falls apart and reassembles into a truck. Later they all go to Hong Kong but I am not sure I can remember why. At this point it feels like I have been watching this movie for 4 hours and I’m dizzy and my head hurts from watching a Michael Bay movie in 3D IMAX. While in Hong Kong we learn that all Asians know Kung-Fu, even random dudes in elevators. The Dinobots show up and tear the club (city) up and raise hell. In the end Optimus literally flies off into space like Superman. HAHA WHAT?????? This movie is a fuckin shit mess. The dialogue sounds like nobody wrote it all. The score is horrible. The acting is a nightmare. The characters are forgettable. The story doesn’t make sense at all. It’s sexist and racist. Watching a Michael Bay movie in the IMAX 3d is like being date raped while having a seizure. Honestly, it’s depressing and sad that nobody even tries to make these movies make sense and to make them memorable Sci-Fi films. It really is just fucking trash. I love the idea and concept behind The Transformers and it saddens me to think I can NOT recommend these movies to anyone ever. Yes, the Transformers look cool in theses movies and this time they have more human like faces, which I liked. The Autobots do talk more in this movie, which I like. What they are saying is stupid as shit though. I bet the Transformers ride at Universal Studios makes more sense. These movies make millions and that’s okay, because people love the Transformers. Michael Bay thinks they spend millions because it’s his movie. That the name “Michael Bay” brings people into the seats. The only reason we are there is for The Transformers you douchey BITCH. A handicapped cat could direct the next movie and people would pay to see it. It’s like he doesn’t give a shit about his films or his audience. We are just dumb and who cares what we think or want in a movie. FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY. It don’t matter how much money you have or don’t have because you are fuckin trash can. That is not even good enough to throw my trash into. You are an out of touch old white dude who thinks being sexist, racist and having silly dialogue is cool. It’s not, you are not. You are a disgrace to the film industry. So if you want to see Optimus Prime transform then this movie is for you. That is the only fuckin thing worth while that you will get out of this long and silly movie. I will not be buying this shit.

 The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. Michael Bay’s films are sexist and racist. Insert teen girls ass, and all Asians know kung-fu in his movie.

B. Mark Wahlberg was an annoying dad the entire film. I hate his character. This should have been him in the movie. Also an Inventor????? WHO THE FUCK SAYS THEY ARE AN INVENTOR? Have you ever met someone who said they were an inventor? If someone told me they were an inventor I would laugh in their goddamn pretentious ass face!

marky_mark_in_transformers_4

C. This film is insulting to anyone who is not a white boring American.

D. Stanley Tucci was irritating as the Steve Jobs type character. His jokes were silly and forced. No not for kids just fuckin stupid. Go watch the LEGO MOVIE. Those are about fuckin talking plastic bricks and that dialogue is fuckin amazing.  I hate his character.

E. I love the whole concept of the Transformers. The Transformers looks cool in this movie but the story, the acting, the characters, the score, the message, etc. is all shit. Stepped on shit.

F. Optimus is angry the entire movie because he is an illegal alien and he hates humans now.

G. Nicola Peltz plays a dumb white girl, who contributed nothing except for her ass and pointless dialogue about her boyfriend and father.  I hate her character.

This is literally a poster you can fucking buy to hang on your wall. If I just saw this poster I would think it was about a stupid American girl. Here is an article about how to tell if you are a women in a Michael Bay film. All true.

http://www.vulture.com/2014/06/how-to-tell-youre-a-woman-in-a-michael-bay-film.html

transformers_age_of_extinction_character_poster_2

Dumb Girl in America- The Movie

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Her face the entire film

H. Ehren Kruger wrote this movie. Also Transformers: Dark of the MoonTransformers: Revenge of the FallenThe Ring TwoThe Brothers Grimm. His dialogue is literally insulting, silly and pointless. 

I. Jack Reynor was the boyfriend who could drive cars. In a movie where cars drive themselves what fuckin good are you bitch?  I hate his character. At one point he argues that is was not rape to date a 17-year-old. He is 20 years old in the film. There is some “Romeo and Juliet” law that says they can date and it’s not rape. UMMMMMMMM They literally took the time in Transformers movie to tell you how someone older can have sex with someone younger and not go to fuckin jail. WHAT THE FUCK! They even show a close up of the card for it. Are you serious????????

transformers-4-Jack-Reynor

J. Haha WHAT THE FUCK. TRANSFORM-IUM????????? Are you serious you fuckin bitch!

K. Titus Welliver plays a typical bad guy with a trench coat and glasses. He also loves America. I hate his character.

L. Imagine Dragons songs are in this movie. It sounds like something an old white man that can’t get passed the 1980’s would love to listen to. Also the score is horrible by Steve Jablonsky.

M. I like Lockdown. I think.

lockdown

His face turned into a gun which might be stupid.

Transformers-4-Lockdown

N. The Dinobots are in this movie and were fun but only in it briefly. I wish they were painted this way in the movie so we could tell which one was which.

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O. You think as a director you would learn from your mistakes. Bay has learned nothing. He has made 4 movies and keeps doing the same thing wrong in each of them. He doesn’t learn because he thinks he is gods gift to the planet. He is not. I would piss on your grave bitch.

P. All Asians do not know Karate or Kung-Fu.

Q.  This had nothing to do with childhoods ruined. It’s bad filmmaking. Period.

R. This half an episode from the old cartoon makes more sense than this entire live action movie. You fucked up and failed Ehren Kruger.

S. I wonder if Bumblebee misses his best friend Shia from the other 3 films. I think we were too hard on Shia in these movies. He was better than Marky Mark.

Bumblebee-Robot-Transformers-HD-Wallpaper-02 copy copy copy

T. I know that these movies help get more Transformer toys and cartoons made, but I feel like it’s blood money. Mother fuckin Blood Diamond. We have to die slowly watching these movies just to go out and buy a 30 anniversary transformer toy. Unicron help us!

U. One good thing is that Frank Welker does the voice for Galvatron. He did the voice of Megatron in the old cartoon. His voice is amazing. Also Peter Cullen as Prime is still amazing.

V. Don’t believe me go look at it on Rotten Tomatoes

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/transformers_age_of_extinction/

W. I literally got a headache during it and had it for 3 days after. I am serious. I think that the constant camera moving and 3D with loud ass noises fucked me up. Bay is fuckin killing us.

X. If you love his movies, I’m not interested in your opinion or reason why. I don’t care, just like you don’t care about my opinion.

Y. At one point Prime says get me to the Autobots THEY can fix me, but on the way there he scans a fancy truck and heals himself? Did anyone read the script first, middle or last? FUCK YOU!

Z. My favorite director John Carpenter posted this Tweet about it.

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AA. A Malaysian animator by the name of Harris Loureiro has animated an amazing stop-motion battle between Laser Optimus Prime and Devastator that looks better and is more exciting than Bay’s movie.

BB. Here Bay talks about the irrelevance of having female Transformers and that he killed the one that was put in the film off and it doesn’t matter, because he hates female Transformers and is sexist towards women. There is vagina like alien in the new movie that they horrified by and call a bitch and blow it up. No, it ain’t just me saying this look it up asshole.

http://www.mtv.com/news/1608508/michael-bay-reveals-transformers-revenge-of-the-fallen-death/

CC. Optimus and 3 dumb characters.

transformers-age-of-extinction-poster copy copy

2 responses to ““Transformers: Age of Extinction” or “Michael Bay Is The Worst Director On Earth” – My fuckin review

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