“The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies” or “The Hobbit: Bitchy Elf Queen With Battle Animals”- my fuckin review

Here is my review for “The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies“. Okay so this is the last movie for THE HOBBIT portion of these films. “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” and “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” were the first two. I thought they were both boring and a lot of bitches walking around and a shit load of aerial shots. This film starts off where the last one left off. The dragon destroying a city. This seems weird to me to have started the movie off this way. Because this scene should have just been at the end of the last film. We wanted that scene at the end of the last one. We waited that long for nothing. Meanwhile if you didn’t just watch part 1 and 2 before you saw this one, then you will be lost and have to catch up again or not. After the dragon splits, the humans don’t have a home and want to move in down the street at the Dwarf House. The main Dwarf has Dragon herpes now and I wants all the gold to himself. He crazy now and everyone is scared of his little ass. The elves show up and are throwing shade on everyone in the film. They are snobs and think everyone is trash in this town. True. The Elf queen is pissed and over everything. Across the valley Gandalf is locked up somewhere by demons, but he is broken free when Mega Pimps Cate Blanchett, Christopher Lee and Hugo Weaving show up to have a ghost demon dance off. Later all these weird ass battle animals start showing up to help fight the big war. Battle Pigs, Battle Rams, Battle Bears, Battle Eagles, and a Battle Elk. The Battle of the Five Animals. Now the dwarves, elves, demons, humans, and battle animals are all fighting in a big ass war. You only see a little bit of the big battle, then it cuts to some main characters fighting one on one battles with each other. They were boring. I guess the good guys won. Oh yeah there is a hobbit in the movie too, even though he is barely in it. SPOILER ALERT: It ends where “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” begins. So you can go home and watch those fuckers again. Okay so this movie is more entertaining than the first 2 but still feels like it’s missing something that the The Lord of the Rings movies had. These Hobbit films seem cheaper and sillier to me for some reason. I think the characters aren’t as interesting in these movies as they were in the “Lord of the Rings” films either. Maybe it’s because they film these in that creepy ass frame rate which makes the makeup and lighting look different so now it looks like limp dicks. Anyway if you love this Hobbit world then you will probably love this movie. I do not read the books to these films and I have only seen the movies once, so I felt lost during most of it. Unless you are sucking that Hobbits dick then you will probably feel lost too. So if you love Hobbits, Battle Pigs, Gandalf, Gay Elf Queens, Gold, and big battles then this is the movie for you. I was entertained but will not repeat watch. It is lake a simpler/basic version of the The Lord of The Rings movies.

The Trailer:

The Facts:

A. My favorite of these movie was “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King“. This movie is big, epic and fun.

B. Martin Freeman is great as Bilbo, but he is barely in this movie, and just stands around really.

C. There really were weird ass animals running around in this entire movie. I love that though.

The Battle Pig!

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These Battle Rams

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This gay queen just rolled up on an Elk.

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D. Peter Jackson is good director. I hope he makes something from his own head next.

E. Lee Pace as Thranduil is the best part. He is such a bitchhhhhhh. Snobby as fuck.

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F. I love the dragon but he was barely in it.

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G. Evangeline Lilly was better on “Lost”.

H. The Dwarves hair looked like shit. Like ugly shit.

Honestly WTF!

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I. The scene where Cate BlanchettChristopher Lee and Hugo Weaving show up to help Ian McKellen was great. It was fun to see all those bitches act up together.

J. Howard Shore The score is not as memorable as the “Lord of the Rings” scores. Also this song was at the end.  Sung by a Hobbit.

K. The poster is cluttered.

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